Contact During Separation II

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel no obligation to go to Rome so that I may kiss her ring. 

If her attitude and actions persist, and they will, I will file for divorce. 

Sorry Mike but the adage "The beatings will continue until the morale improves" - comes to mind.

Her "attitude" is driven by her BPD - yours is driven by your anger and resentment about how poorly she treats you.

Her capacity to change before or after you file is extremely limited.  What about yours? 

[tuum est61]

I feel no obligation to go to Rome so that I may kiss her ring. 

If her attitude and actions persist, and they will, I will file for divorce. 

Sorry Mike but the adage "The beatings will continue until the morale improves" - comes to mind.

Her "attitude" is driven by her BPD - yours is driven by your anger and resentment about how poorly she treats you.

Her capacity to change before or after you file is extremely limited.  What about yours? 

[Mike_confused]

I am angry.  She knows I am going to file and she is very upset.  No matter what I will not live like I was.   For the two months... .  so far... .  that I have been separated from her I am so much more relaxed.   No one's core changes truly - I believe you/they become more aware of behaviors and adjust them.

I generally like who I am, with the exception of having allowed myself to be used.  I am done with that and she really knows that now.   I feel better.  I am worried for her but I will not try to save her - she earned this.

[tuum est61]

You've made progress on your situation that you should not sacrifice Mike - the main one being that you "feel better."

I think, however, that she knows/has learned very little about the changes you've made.  I still see in your words that you are holding on to the need for this recognition. Most telling was the end your last line

I am worried for her but I will not try to save her - she earned this.

What will it take for you to stop needing this to be something she needs to pay for?

[Mike_confused]

Actually, I don't want her to pay for her actions and treatment of me; nevertheless it is unavoidable.   I do not want that for her.  I am not seeking retribution.  I speak very directly and do not mince words.   

I want an adult relationship with her and I will never have it.   I too need the compassion, consideration and caring that she gets from me.  I will never get it from her.

My posts reflect a stream of consciousness and it does show a progression.  There is no way to get away from her with out battle scars of some form.  I just don't want any more.

[NonBPDSpouse]

WOW... .  

Mike, as I read your posts, I feel like it is me talking... .  

I am in the same stage as you...   except that My wife moved out on the kids and I almost a year ago.

There have been no outside romances on either part as far as I can tell, but Now after all this time it looks like she wants back in...

She is waiting for me to ask and forgive, but I just cant bring myself to do it.

I feel sorry for her, but I like this feeling of not "walking on eggshells" too much.

After about the first 2 months of her being gone, I felt 150 LBS lift off my chest and I like the feeling.

I am trying hard to finalize this separation without too many battle scars as well...

[NonBPDSpouse]

I want to add that for the 25 years we were together she always made me feel responsible for causing her to have these meltdowns, then we had kids so I always backed down and accepted blame so she would be able to be "happy", but this time she left me with the kids.

She is very confused that I have not accepted blame to help her get over herself this time.

When she threatened to move out I actually loaded the car for her. I think it really confused her...

My wife has NEVER actually apologized. Not once in 25 years.  She would usually try do do something nice after a meltdown, but she would always let me know that her meltdown was my fault and her being nice was in no way to be mistaken for an apology...

[sad but wiser]

Wow NonBPDSpouse!  That sounds like my story in so many ways.  No, I don't want to go back, ever.  "We are never, ever, ever getting back together... .  "  If life isn't quite good yet, at least it isn't living hell either.  If my ex loved me at all, he would never want that type of life for me, much less be the one creating it.

[WalrusGumboot]

The reason I didn't like separation was that it made me more vulnerable. Even though I liked not having the burden of everyday life with her, which made me feel stronger, I was actually becoming weaker. I couldn't move on because of the marriage bond, and I was getting lonely.

My mind started working against me, deceiving me into thinking I was becoming strong enough to try to salvage the marriage, even though she didn't plan on doing anything different, but her mouth said different. I fell victim to two recycle attempts. After a very brief "honeymoon" period on both accounts, same old story, but worse. It was worse because I felt suckered. I had started feeling some peace and I walked right back into the fire. Willingly.

My T, who successfully treated a number of borderlines, had told me that they must hit rock bottom before they get serious about seeking treatment. Reconciliation, even at the edge of losing they person they "love", is not hitting bottom. It merely affirms to them that you can still be manipulated. So don't think you can negotiate for a better marriage, because YOU and your feelings don't come into their mind.

WG

[Mike_confused]

All:

I am separated 2 months today.  I don't regret a minute of it.  I cannot allow myself to go back;  I do believe she is waiting for me to make an attempt to reconcile.  That attempt is not forthcoming.  We have had limited contact.

She told me for months how I had ruined her life and how she needed to divorce me, so I complied.  Of course she spun that into me abandoning her.  I told her she can say what she wants to whom she wants but it would not change the facts as I know them.  I admit I am self-assured - it is a point of contention for us.   She then found out I was not wearing my wedding ring, and flipped out.  She said I should be wearing it as long as we were legally married, as if it were written in the U.S. Constitution.  I am amazed by this - she forced me out, even though it is obvious to me that she never expected me to leave, just to continue to be her punching bag.

Screw it.  She went too far, and she misread me.  I am not going back. 

[tuum est61]

I fell victim to two recycle attempts. After a very brief "honeymoon" period on both accounts, same old story, but worse. It was worse because I felt suckered. I had started feeling some peace and I walked right back into the fire. Willingly.

Hi WG,

Thanks for weighing in on this topic.   

Mike is 2 months in-country today.  How long were you there before you felt you'd escaped?

[real lady]

I am separated 2 months today.  I don't regret a minute of it.  I cannot allow myself to go back;  I do believe she is waiting for me to make an attempt to reconcile.  That attempt is not forthcoming.  We have had limited contact.

She told me for months how I had ruined her life and how she needed to divorce me, so I complied... .  I am not going back. 

Wow... .  Hi Mike... .  I started to read your thread because my brother in law is dealing with much similiar but may not be BPD from my own sister and Mike is his name. I AM SO SORRY that you are going through this but as you can see, you are NOT alone.I have read your entire thread and sorry that I did not see and respond sooner. I REALLY UNDERSTAND "where you are at". You have "done all" that you could have done to "help her" and of course, being BPD and having painted YOU "black", she is not admitting responsibility for her behavior and thus has to create the "victim mentality" by focusing on your wedding ring being off your finger.

The method of Validation would dictate that you might want to try REPEATING BACK TO HER WHAT SHE SAID... .  ad nauseum (all the while YOU fill in the blanks in YOUR HEAD) and let her go around in her "circular reasoning" until she sees that she is "doing all the communicating" and STOPS for having GOTTEN NOTHING OUT OF IT. She has NOT upset you, caused you to feel guilty or defensive and she STOPS out of the futility that she is NOT CONTROLLING you and you are NOT engaging in her "drama".

It is HEALTHY to be angry about this... .  we are "losing" what we THOUGHT we had with this person. We feel betrayed, lied to and demonized. We realize that they are "mentally ILL" and we have hurt for them but realize that allowing them to continue to HURT US will not make anything better... .  only worse.

Again, So sorry for JUST NOW jumping into your conversation. Just sending HOPE and encouragement your way. You sound VERY mentally and emotionally healthy and grieving the loss of the "person she used to be"... .  I am doing the same with my uBPDso. He is very intelligent and I LOVE him but I do NOT like him or his behavior toward me because of the BPD. I have detached and not "letting him get to me" anymore. Hope you can do the same.  

[Mike_confused]

Real Lady,

thanks.  It certainly helps me to have validation from everyone.  For the longest time she had me question my view of reality.  I have grieved for the loss of the person I thought she was, and I certainly do feel betrayed and used.  She used me as her sole means of financial support for her and her kids (not my children) - the same kids she taught to be disrespectful to me.   I am weaning her off.  I informed her that if we do not mediate a settlement ASAP then I will file myself.

It saddened me when I realized today that I think of her less and less.   It has to be that way.

Mike

[waverider]

This has been a worthwhile topic, but we have reached our four page limit so I am locking this thread.  Feel free to start a new thread to continue the discussion.