Surviving NC with exBPDw... escalating contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Anyone here have experience with the ex escalating contact in "All "forms because they don't have anyone else to latch onto?

I know a lot of nons here say NC is a tad easier if the ex has the "next person" available for them to involve themselves with...

In my case  it seems obvious that she is alone and suffering immensely !

Although I still feel love for her as a person... .  I have made the move to cut all ties and am comfortable with that decision to move forward ... .  

But this crazy escalation is very difficult... .  

And words of advice... .  it's so so hurtful... .  just want it to stop!

[Cimbaruns]

Anyone here have experience with the ex escalating contact in "All "forms because they don't have anyone else to latch onto?

I know a lot of nons here say NC is a tad easier if the ex has the "next person" available for them to involve themselves with...

In my case  it seems obvious that she is alone and suffering immensely !

Although I still feel love for her as a person... .  I have made the move to cut all ties and am comfortable with that decision to move forward ... .  

But this crazy escalation is very difficult... .  

And words of advice... .  it's so so hurtful... .  just want it to stop!

[screwedovr]

My xBPDw did the same thing after 5 months when the guy she left me for went out of town for 30 days.   She even showed up at my house and acted like nothing happened and said my family probly hated her and she had to figure out vhow to fix things, i looked at her and said, YOUVE BEEN SCREWING ANOTHER MAN! her reply was, why is it all about sex with u.  I guess it makes sense from her skewed point of view, sex is just a means to control for her.  They are hollow and totally void of any real feelings for others, to busy with trying to fill their empty soul with whatever they can or whoever they can.  Just remember that there are good people out there and shes not one of them! I had 12 yrs and three kids with my x.  I have to have some contact, do u have kids together?

[lost007]

Dude. Read some of my posts. I am exactly where you are. The escalation is crazy. Scary. Irrational. Brave girl has a lot to say about the matter to.  I feel for you. Im in process of divorce and closer it gets, more pressure she exerts. It ain't gonna be easy if she has BPD.

[Want2know]

Can you give us a little more detail regarding the contact she is making with you?  How often per day, in what form (ie. call, text, email, physical), and what types of things she is saying.

[Cimbaruns]

I admit that I was guilty of failing to set firm boundaries at first... .  but it's been 2 weeks since our final communication by phone call in which I absolutely stated that we were completely over!

She had a lot of trouble accepting that of course ... .  but said she could start to grieve the relationship now... .  of course that lasted 24 hours then she started to email that she couldn't accept that from me... .  etc etc... .  you all know how that goes... .  

I have blocked her texts... .  and although I have managed to delete most ALL emails I have been guilty of reading a few.

She basically goes from... .  I am so so sad... to I need help... .  to I'm coming to see you right NOW!

She lives an hour and a half away... .  but just the notion of her showing up makes me anxious... .  

Today she sent an email begging me to call her... .  pleading... .  then saying she would never ignore me like I have ignored her... .  

I totally get that reading these and listening to any vm s from her is not helping at all...

I think in part I've done it out of fear that she will show up,

I have been in this relationship for 4 years ... .  married for one and a half... .  we have no children together... .  each of us has 2 adult children ... .  who have been damaged by all of this as well!

I absolutely dread divorce with this woman... .  but am trying to take each day as it comes and am seeing a T that has been extremely helpful in all of this

I expect the raging to start at any time!

Thanks to all that have responded so far... .  it's been the absolute worst "ride" of my life...

A

[Want2know]

Thanks for the clarification. 

A couple of things... .  

Is there any practical reason to be having contact with her right now, ie. personal property, bills, children?

Also, by completely avoiding any contact with her is part of the reason why this is escalating.  Because you are still married, it would seem that you might want to work on Controlled Contact, which might help her calm down a bit.  Have you read this: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm - in particular, the information regarding the pitfalls of No Contact on the right hand side.

After reading it, let us know if you can see how controlled contact might help your situation, and how that might look for you.

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks. Want2know

I have been separated from her since November and over the course of these past months I have grappled with the idea of finally ending this relationship...

Between all of the triggering and re engaging it has taken me this long to come to this painful realization.

I have done a lot of reading on these boards, including some of the workshops etc... .  

All ... .  so very helpful indeed!

I have tried in vain ... .  to try some of the less drastic forms of NC because I knew it would indeed trigger her "abandonment" issues... .  however it hasn't worked very well.

She acknowledged 2 months ago that she is seeing a therapist again... .  and that she is working on her issues with abandonment... .  and getting strong?

But I have seen this before( another breakup occurred once before... .  last year around T giving)

It doesn't seem that she understands any of what is going on here... .  in any way shape or form... .  one day she says one thing ... .  another day she is sobbing and pleading... .  

I really don't see any way to do this ... .  except "close the door" once and for all

Am I being reasonable here... .  sometimes I think I'm the crazy one!

[Want2know]

It is good she lives an hour and a half away.  It's a heck of a lot better than worrying about running into her at social gatherings or in the grocery store.  I had to deal with that, and it made things a lot more complicated.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about divorce yet?  As far as any practical contact, they can be helpful in negotiating for you.  It is still important to try and figure out how to work towards some kind of controlled contact, as this problem with not go away any time soon with a possible divorce on the horizon.  We talk about 'high conflict divorces', and this is something you want to try and stay away from. 

[Cimbaruns]

Haven't contacted a lawyer as of yet... .  

I guess I was hoping that we could eventually reach a point of being able to work toward divorce... .  in a way that would avoid "high conflict"

I guess I feel that even mentioning divorce at this very moment would send her even further over the edge,

If anyone has any ideas about the timing of this or ways of getting "controlled contact" would be helpful... .  

I feel at times that maybe it will eventually reach a point where she calms down a bit and then maybe I can move forward... .  

I'm guessing this maybe wishful thinking!

[Want2know]

If anyone has any ideas about the timing of this or ways of getting "controlled contact" would be helpful... .  

I feel at times that maybe it will eventually reach a point where she calms down a bit and then maybe I can move forward... .  

I'm guessing this maybe wishful thinking!

It can be done.  That is why I was asking if there was any practical content of your conversations... .  besides the possible divorce, is there any other unfinished business that warrants contact.  

Also, it can't hurt, if you have the financial means, to seek an initial consultation with a divorce attorney.  At least you will get some additional information that can help you avoid any high conflict situation from a legal staNPDoint.  We can help you on the emotional level here.  

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks for the advice

There really isn't any unfinished business except for the divorce.

I agree that contacting a divorce attorney is probably wise at this point to see how to proceed... .  

I so so appreciate all of the emotional support that I receive on these boards... .  

Thank you thank you.  ALL

[lost007]

Cimbaruns. She texts non-stop. Calls daily. If I don't respond she shows at my apartment or work. Says she isn't ready to let go. Has no regard for the fact that I filed for divorce. Now I still love this woman. Living had just become intolerable. We had separated once before and I allowed her back. This time I'm following through. She will rage on and on. Then become nice. Very hard to handle. Bizarre at times. It b's been recommended no contact. Hard to do because she is in my home and has my stuff. But still and yet may be necessary. Right now she is a tad calmer. I'm trying to wait her out and hoping divorce day hurries.

[Cimbaruns]

Lost007. 

Thank you for sharing... .  

I guess I am lucky because of the distance (miles) between us... .  but ... .  it is amazing how non stop it can be... .  

I have become better at not letting her trigger me as much... .  and/or causing me extreme anxiety when all of this goes on... .  I hope for your sake you are getting better able to handle this as well... .  

I am praying for calm as well... .  and for ultimately... .  divorcing and moving on in that respect... .  

I love mine as well... .  but I cannot be a part of this dysfunction any longer... .  and I take responsibly for remaining involved for so long ... .  as I know I played a part in this "dance" as well!

Hugs to you and I wish for your well being through all of this... .  

[lost007]

Cimbaruns. Are we twins. I have also been married just over a year and a half. Together 4-5 years. We both have two children. She does exactly the same. Gets irrational then pleads to have me back. She has said she will not sign the papers. For me to expect her not to contact me is unreasonable. That she will fight til divorce is final. That she will ask for a continuance. Yes I was part of a very dysfunctional dance as well. So much damage I can't tell you. At this point I am fortunate to have my career intact. At least for now. I have so many relationships to repair. Daunting.

[lost007]

And my stbex has said all the same things. Verbatim. I would never treat u like this. No. But u would call me a fraud. A fake. Tell me when my kids visit that u are not a f'ing babysitter to the point I would have to have a backup sitter when I worked in case she flipped out on me. All as I work and u stay home. So much. Some you would scarcely believe. But then again. Maybe you would.

[Cimbaruns]

I think I embrace and hold onto each and every moment of clarity and peace that I receive.

Being outside of the relationship now ... .  has afforded me the ability to see what it is that I never saw before.

It has been a    L o n g road to reach this place and time for me but I'm still grappling with the seemingly never ending barrages of attempted communication from her.

All through our relationship ... .  since early on... .  this emotional crazy making always had me scratching my head... .  the red flags were there... .  but I didn't see any of it and/or pushed away what my gut reaction should have warned me about!

Now I just pray that someday... .  somehow ... .  The calm will come... .  

Taking care of me this time

And.   Hoping this NC keeps me on the right path!