First Step - the hardest

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband wants to revise child support and court ordered parenting time (for my oldest stepdaughter). I'm using 'Mom' and ':)ad' because it's easier to decipher.

Current court order:

50/50 for all three girls (10,13,15)

Child Support = $215/month; Dad pays Mom

Dad responsible for all Daycare costs  (for 10yo for two hours afterschool)

Dad responsible for all Medical Insurance premiums/cost spilt 60/40 for non-covered expenses

Proposed order:

50/50 for two youngest girls (10,13)

EOWE for 15yo (which is currently happening)

Child Support = $0

Dad responsible for All Daycare costs (for 10yo for two hours afterschool)

Dad responsible for Medical Insurance premiums/cost spilt 60/40 for non-covered expenses

Facts to help in negotiations:

My oldest SD is living with us full time already - her choice

If you run the numbers in the child support calculation, Mom should be paying Dad $150/month

My SD is planning on driving her mom's old car when she turns 16, Dad wants to offer that she sign the car over to him and we'll cover insurance/gas (which I know we'd end up doing anyways) - this would amount to the same as child support (quid pro quo for mom)

She has contributed $0 towards softball fees this year - Dad says he'll let that go. (Roughly $2000 total - her being pseudo-responsible for half)

She owes $600 in medical reimbursements; hasn't paid the orthodontist in exactly one year next month (it's supposed to be every other month)

Worries (mostly mine; my husband is gung ho):

Mom is broke

Mom may really be focused on losing $215/mo - demand SD15 move back in

Court

Not getting the $600 she already owes

Biggest worry? Us going broke because we're so afraid of the big bad wolf



That about sums it up. So moving forward:

A.)If she agrees, we'll have it written up by the attorney and she can sign.

B.)If she doesn't agree, options:

(1) Continue status quo; overpaying technically by $365/mo

(2) File for the changes and let go of whatever that may bring

(3) Force SD to move back in with mom and keep paying what is owed


I know it's only money.

I'm kinda tired of being the bigger person.

I'm kinda tired of being broke because she either doesn't want to or can't pay her fair share.

I'm kinda tired of my husband enabling her so much that she has taken to sending teeth over in a baggy "because the tooth fairy doesn't go to her house". I can't remember the last time she paid for a haircut... .  or a friend's birthday present... .  or a winter jacket... .  let alone a prescription or tampons for oldest SD(seriously).

I think I really would feel better if it weren't for the child support. It is so, so hard to give her money when she never pays for anything. (Maybe a little dramatic on my part, but it sure feels like it sometimes)

Any feedback, thoughts, ideas, validation, hugs, would be truly appreciated.  

Thanks,

DreamGirl

[DreamGirl]

My husband wants to revise child support and court ordered parenting time (for my oldest stepdaughter). I'm using 'Mom' and ':)ad' because it's easier to decipher.

Current court order:

50/50 for all three girls (10,13,15)

Child Support = $215/month; Dad pays Mom

Dad responsible for all Daycare costs  (for 10yo for two hours afterschool)

Dad responsible for all Medical Insurance premiums/cost spilt 60/40 for non-covered expenses

Proposed order:

50/50 for two youngest girls (10,13)

EOWE for 15yo (which is currently happening)

Child Support = $0

Dad responsible for All Daycare costs (for 10yo for two hours afterschool)

Dad responsible for Medical Insurance premiums/cost spilt 60/40 for non-covered expenses

Facts to help in negotiations:

My oldest SD is living with us full time already - her choice

If you run the numbers in the child support calculation, Mom should be paying Dad $150/month

My SD is planning on driving her mom's old car when she turns 16, Dad wants to offer that she sign the car over to him and we'll cover insurance/gas (which I know we'd end up doing anyways) - this would amount to the same as child support (quid pro quo for mom)

She has contributed $0 towards softball fees this year - Dad says he'll let that go. (Roughly $2000 total - her being pseudo-responsible for half)

She owes $600 in medical reimbursements; hasn't paid the orthodontist in exactly one year next month (it's supposed to be every other month)

Worries (mostly mine; my husband is gung ho):

Mom is broke

Mom may really be focused on losing $215/mo - demand SD15 move back in

Court

Not getting the $600 she already owes

Biggest worry? Us going broke because we're so afraid of the big bad wolf



That about sums it up. So moving forward:

A.)If she agrees, we'll have it written up by the attorney and she can sign.

B.)If she doesn't agree, options:

(1) Continue status quo; overpaying technically by $365/mo

(2) File for the changes and let go of whatever that may bring

(3) Force SD to move back in with mom and keep paying what is owed


I know it's only money.

I'm kinda tired of being the bigger person.

I'm kinda tired of being broke because she either doesn't want to or can't pay her fair share.

I'm kinda tired of my husband enabling her so much that she has taken to sending teeth over in a baggy "because the tooth fairy doesn't go to her house". I can't remember the last time she paid for a haircut... .  or a friend's birthday present... .  or a winter jacket... .  let alone a prescription or tampons for oldest SD(seriously).

I think I really would feel better if it weren't for the child support. It is so, so hard to give her money when she never pays for anything. (Maybe a little dramatic on my part, but it sure feels like it sometimes)

Any feedback, thoughts, ideas, validation, hugs, would be truly appreciated.  

Thanks,

DreamGirl

[hell0kitty]

I think everything you are asking for is totally reasonable, but if she is anything like ours she will just focus on losing that child support.  Ours doesn't see all of the bills that she is supposed to pay part of but blows off until either we cover, or she gets sent to collections, as that big of a deal.  She sees it as "she already has bad credit, so why worry". 

She basically lives off of our child support. Her order was massively unfair. They have the same exact job, and went to the same school, and neither make a lot of money, yet his order is $600 per month for a kid who is in school full time.  Mom thinks it should be at least $900. We, too, are trying to get it reduced as I'm watching my hospital bills from my recent birth going to collections so we can stay on top of paying her.


Id she has no job and is used to getting that monthly check, I really don't think she will sign it over without a huge fight. I'd almost say it might be worth going straight to court, or since you guys seem to be able to communicate, maybe find a way to make her think it was her idea?  Somehow get her suggest the car signing over, and offer that as a trade?  Good luck! 

[DreamGirl]

But if she is anything like ours she will just focus on losing that child support.  Ours doesn't see all of the bills that she is supposed to pay part of but blows off until either we cover, or she gets sent to collections, as that big of a deal.  She sees it as "she already has bad credit, so why worry".  

She basically lives off of our child support. Her order was massively unfair. They have the same exact job, and went to the same school, and neither make a lot of money, yet his order is $600 per month for a kid who is in school full time.

This is my fear - hyperfocusing on the $215.

I don't, in all reality, think she really even 'needs' it. She drops the girls off every morning on her weeks and they go to our house afterschool every single day (a neighbor watches the youngest until the older ones get home). She doesn't pick them up until after 6:00pm. So it isn't even really "half". She has them less then half. Not that I'm nit-picking or anything.  

I feel like she thinks she needs it. She fuh-reaked out last month when it wasn't disbursed by the first.  

Id she has no job and is used to getting that monthly check, I really don't think she will sign it over without a huge fight. I'd almost say it might be worth going straight to court, or since you guys seem to be able to communicate, maybe find a way to make her think it was her idea?  Somehow get her suggest the car signing over, and offer that as a trade?  Good luck!

She is employed. I think that was problem last month, she caught some kind of virus and had to take several days off towards the end of the month. I'm sure that paycheck was the one she was planning to use for rent. She's not the best at money management.

Her idea? I like that angle.

Now, how would one concoct that?

[hell0kitty]

Well, if you got her to suggest the car being signed over, you could carefully take the next step of offering to cover the insurance and gas and then after she agrees throw on to the end "in lieu of the support, but car insurance is x amount more, so what a screaming deal you are getting!"

[tog]

It's probably less about "needing it" than feeling entitled to it, though, if yours is anything like ours, even with a good salary, she's always in debt from ? who knows what.

We also got an unfair CS order (SO agreed to it on bad advice) wherein she gets $700 a month when she makes 20K more per year.  Luckily (?) SS is in private school so at least SO knows it is going to SOMETHING to benefit him.

I guess you guys have to decide whether the money/principle is worth the fight that will ensue, which will likely include her telling the girls what money-grubbing blankety-blanks you and their father are and making the children's lives difficult; not to mention the pressure she will put on SD15.

[sanemom]

Would it work if you started with suggesting mom do some research in how much it would cost to add her on her insurance and then say you will check with yours and then compare?

Of course, that would just be the first step... .  you could hope that her insurance is more $$... .  

[GaGrl]

What if your motion asked that she pay all monies owed for shared medical and curricular expenses, so that letting all of that go is your bargaining tool?

[Matt]

Can you deal first with what is best for SD - that is, focus only on making the parenting time official and the best it can be.  No mention of child support or any other $ issue.

=

At that point, you could say, "It makes no sense for us to be paying child support when the kids all live with us.  According to the guidelines, you should be paying $X a month.  But if you'll pay us back what you owe us - half the softball fees, etc. - and agree that nobody pays any child support from now on, we won't seek CS from you.  Or if you won't do that, we'll just go to the court and ask for what the guidelines say."

My thinking is, don't let the $ issues get in the way of settling the parenting time issue - which is the most important issue.  And by settling it first, your position on the $ issues will be stronger.

If the parenting time issue goes in front of a judge - even just for rubber-stamping an agreement - she may ask, "What about CS?".  And you guys can answer, "Whatever the court thinks is right is OK." - which may mean what the guidelines say.

[mamachelle]

Our insurance will nearly double I think adding my DD16 -- so for that and the winter and grades I'm putting off getting her license. I just got a tax seizure from exBPDH -- he pays no support or 1/2 of anything though he is supposed to- so that tax $ helps but ... .  I feel your pain DreamGirl. I don't have an easy answer just think it does need to be addressed because the driving alone is a huge expense. 

[Her Mama]

((DG))  I've always hated the part where you sit and worry about the what if's... .  it is agonizing.  I think what is proposed is reasonable.  And if she has enough to have two vehicles, (the "old one" that would go to the oldest), then she's not really struggling as much as she claims.  I do think that doing things like checking with the insurance companies about the cost of coverage may show that you are trying to be fair here.  Unfortunately, I doubt her sense of entitlement will just go away... .  if all else fails, present a bill for all of her unpaid obligations along with the motion being filed.  It may give an edge in negotiation.

[DreamGirl]

Long two weeks.

Thank you for all the responses. I don't know what I would do without you.  


Long story short:

First, she reimbursed the $600 in medical expenses (yay!)

Dad retains primary custody of SD16

Dad pays remainder of SD16 orthodontics (she was $900 behind)

Mom and Dad split other two girls 60/40 for orthodontist

Child Support is waived until SD16 is of age (and then it will be revisted)

Each parent pays their own daycare costs for SD10

Dad draws up papers and pays filing fees

SD pays for her own insurance by cleaning my office once a week

Dad pays for gas  

Dad pays for the oldest girls' sporting fees

Mom pays for the youngest


It's not fair. It never is. But like I always say, I'll pay her $1 to save $1,000.

It's doable and I can live with it.

[newlymarried]

 

Good for you! I am glad that you were able to get a win, and BPDex was able to feel like she got a win. The biggest win is for the SDs though.

[mamachelle]

Hey DG

Great news. You make it seem so easy  though I know it isn't.

My DD16 just got a summer job so I may ask for a portion of it to pay insurance if she can ever get her grades up to a B to get her license in the first place. 

Congrats and good work.