Caregiver Grandma's view on attachment parenting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My dh and I have custody of our gd7. She has always lived in our home. We became primary caregivers when she was 8 months (daddy went to jail for a year, mom chose to "have my turn" and in effect became a transient crashing at our home as needed). Lots of grief from BPDDD about our 'stealing her daughter' after we gained permanent custody when gd was 18 months. It still comes up when she is angry and projecting. DD has been back living with us for the past 20 months - things are overall better with her. And gd seems to be more sure of herself too in many little ways.

It has been so hard for me to balance my r/s with DD and my r/s with gd, even with working with T's and learning many new tools and skills over the past few years. Some of this, I am realizing as I am learning more about attachment theory and the new results from an interpersonal neurological view, is based in my own attachment story, genetics, temperament, etc. I keep wondering why it is so hard for me to internalize these skills consistently. When reminding myself that gd's needs have to take priority, this sometimes leaves what I need out of the formula. And I need to be the best I can be in order to keep her needs met. How my brain works - ie. all the parts are working together or not - has a big impact on how available I am for gd - how validating I can be, how supportive my boundaries come across, how well I can advocate for her in outside social situations (school, church, neighborhood, friends, etc). And it really impacts her level of feeling safe and secure enough to be willing to participate in these activites.

A very over-simplified version goes like this: child is born 'wired' to reach out for mom (or other primary caregiver) and mom is wired to reciprocate this. This creates healthy two-way growth for both mom and babe. This changes as child becomes more independent and can trigger our 'self-defense system'. Other stuff can get in the way of this positive connection and can suppress this approach and reward system of parenting - Blocked Parenting. We are also hard wired with a large network called the 'vagus nerve system' that sends body messages from our gut - lower vagus (freeze/dissociate - life threatening perception) and our heart/lungs - upper vagus (caution, fight/flight) that triggers the emotion (limbic system in the amygdala) that prefers avoidance. The upper vagus (heart/lungs) also sends sensory info from facial muscle muscles, hearing, eyes, -- body language -- that scans for trouble or for sense of safety. There are structures in brain that can link our executive function in the prefrontal lobes to regulate emotion to keep the intensity from moving into anxiety and creating Blocked Parenting as well.

There are models to help us as parents improve our abilities to balance our brain systems, and implement the skills needed to become better parents. I would like to introduce us to the model PACE founded by Daniel Hughes and the 5 domains of Parenting. He discusses this in his book "Brain Based Parenting". PACE can help us to engage the 5 Domains of Parenting, and stay connected to our kids. This really needs to be engaged in each of us before any behaviorial stategies are likely to be successful and less stressful. Each domain can be linked to a specific brain area's functioning.

5 Domains of Parenting:

1. Parental Approach System; be close to chld without becoming defensive

2. Parental Reward System; experience pleasure from parenting

3. Parental Child-reading System; understand and empathize with child's inner subjective experiences

4. Parental Meaning Making System; construct working narrative or story about being a parent

5. Parental Executive System; higher brain regions that help parent regulate lower, more automatic brain processes.

The interesting thing to me in this new reading about brain-based parenting and applying it to attachment is the way many of the skills I have been learning to cope with the chaos having BPDDD26 in our lives fit this model as well. The language/labeling of skills may be different - the tools are very similar to ones I can be successful with in my family. If I can be a more effective, loving parent for gd, then I will have a more natural sense in all my other relationships in my family. I can become a Whole Person.

I think this stuff will be helpful for all parents and caregivers as well as for couples in divorce and blended family situations. It is also valuable information in working with the courts on the best interest for the kids. How have other parents or primary caregivers here been exposed to attachment in parenting and brain based parenting models?

It can feel complex - we need to understand the basic language of the brain research, then we can better understand how the tools to apply this work in our lives. I have such hope for my family. Is there interest in continuing this discussion?

qcr

[qcarolr]

My dh and I have custody of our gd7. She has always lived in our home. We became primary caregivers when she was 8 months (daddy went to jail for a year, mom chose to "have my turn" and in effect became a transient crashing at our home as needed). Lots of grief from BPDDD about our 'stealing her daughter' after we gained permanent custody when gd was 18 months. It still comes up when she is angry and projecting. DD has been back living with us for the past 20 months - things are overall better with her. And gd seems to be more sure of herself too in many little ways.

It has been so hard for me to balance my r/s with DD and my r/s with gd, even with working with T's and learning many new tools and skills over the past few years. Some of this, I am realizing as I am learning more about attachment theory and the new results from an interpersonal neurological view, is based in my own attachment story, genetics, temperament, etc. I keep wondering why it is so hard for me to internalize these skills consistently. When reminding myself that gd's needs have to take priority, this sometimes leaves what I need out of the formula. And I need to be the best I can be in order to keep her needs met. How my brain works - ie. all the parts are working together or not - has a big impact on how available I am for gd - how validating I can be, how supportive my boundaries come across, how well I can advocate for her in outside social situations (school, church, neighborhood, friends, etc). And it really impacts her level of feeling safe and secure enough to be willing to participate in these activites.

A very over-simplified version goes like this: child is born 'wired' to reach out for mom (or other primary caregiver) and mom is wired to reciprocate this. This creates healthy two-way growth for both mom and babe. This changes as child becomes more independent and can trigger our 'self-defense system'. Other stuff can get in the way of this positive connection and can suppress this approach and reward system of parenting - Blocked Parenting. We are also hard wired with a large network called the 'vagus nerve system' that sends body messages from our gut - lower vagus (freeze/dissociate - life threatening perception) and our heart/lungs - upper vagus (caution, fight/flight) that triggers the emotion (limbic system in the amygdala) that prefers avoidance. The upper vagus (heart/lungs) also sends sensory info from facial muscle muscles, hearing, eyes, -- body language -- that scans for trouble or for sense of safety. There are structures in brain that can link our executive function in the prefrontal lobes to regulate emotion to keep the intensity from moving into anxiety and creating Blocked Parenting as well.

There are models to help us as parents improve our abilities to balance our brain systems, and implement the skills needed to become better parents. I would like to introduce us to the model PACE founded by Daniel Hughes and the 5 domains of Parenting. He discusses this in his book "Brain Based Parenting". PACE can help us to engage the 5 Domains of Parenting, and stay connected to our kids. This really needs to be engaged in each of us before any behaviorial stategies are likely to be successful and less stressful. Each domain can be linked to a specific brain area's functioning.

5 Domains of Parenting:

1. Parental Approach System; be close to chld without becoming defensive

2. Parental Reward System; experience pleasure from parenting

3. Parental Child-reading System; understand and empathize with child's inner subjective experiences

4. Parental Meaning Making System; construct working narrative or story about being a parent

5. Parental Executive System; higher brain regions that help parent regulate lower, more automatic brain processes.

The interesting thing to me in this new reading about brain-based parenting and applying it to attachment is the way many of the skills I have been learning to cope with the chaos having BPDDD26 in our lives fit this model as well. The language/labeling of skills may be different - the tools are very similar to ones I can be successful with in my family. If I can be a more effective, loving parent for gd, then I will have a more natural sense in all my other relationships in my family. I can become a Whole Person.

I think this stuff will be helpful for all parents and caregivers as well as for couples in divorce and blended family situations. It is also valuable information in working with the courts on the best interest for the kids. How have other parents or primary caregivers here been exposed to attachment in parenting and brain based parenting models?

It can feel complex - we need to understand the basic language of the brain research, then we can better understand how the tools to apply this work in our lives. I have such hope for my family. Is there interest in continuing this discussion?

qcr

[mamachelle]

qcarolr

I would be very interested in working with you on this in some way, I do need to read the book. I have seen your posts on this book before.

There are other good resources for attachment parenting from Dr. Sears, father and sons. I have some of his books.

I am 43 and just had my hopefully! last child in 2011. My first were my DD in 97 and 99. I nursed and sometimes wore  (baby wearing) both of them. My now 13 yo I nursed until after 3 and I still get teased about it! With my last pregnancy I found there is now a whole industry  in attachment parenting with the baby wearing. I brought my youngest to work with me for 10 months. I wore him around walking and doing housework and anytime I could. Still nursing, sleeps with us at night. Needless to say he is a very well adjusted kid who has done well at a home daycare and is just a really wonderful little guy to have as a son.

Ok-- so here is where it gets very interesting.

I have 3 bio kids as noted above, S 21 months, and 2 DD 13 and 16 from previous marriage to a BPDH. Those three kiddos are very mentally healthy despite everything my 2 DD have been through.

I have 3 SS since 2007-- now 8,10, 15. Mom has BPD.

SS 8 is the healthiest and has spent the most time with me and my NonH as Dad is the residential parent. His brain is also the healthiest from a neuro testing staNPDoint. Still at risk though given his tough guy temper and his genetics and bio mom.

SS 10 is dx as emerging bipolar and I believe will get the dx BPD at some point as he acts very much like his BPDmom. He has slow processing, some motor difficulties, and a lot of emotional dysreg. Recently I think as he grows older we are really seeing some tourettes or Asperger's like traits that used to be explained as agression or "drama". He is on a pretty low dose of Lamictal and sees a pDoc, psychologist since age 4 (toilet trained at age 5), as well as behavior therapist. We have been using DBT techniques for kids as well as ABA stuff in the home with chore charts, TV charts, eating charts, rules etc.

SS15 has a laundry list of dx and is an internalizer and a very nice kid that is nothing like his younger brother in terms of personality. He is on the autism spectrum and dx bipolar. Last year he became suicidal and psychotic (the kind of psychotic with faulty thinking not violent-- like possibly pre-schizophrenic) and had to be hospitalized. he is stable now, on Abilify and in a special HS program for kids with autism. His IQ is quite good but he is unable to handle stress of homework and can not organize his thoughts well so writing is very hard for him.

Anyway, so... .  right after I gave birth in 2011 and re learned all the new and old and ancient practices of attachment parenting and was embracing them with my infant--- the boys BPDmom decides to move across the country and abandon her sons. Then have them out in California for 7 weeks that same summer and expose them to abusiveBF--

Note: My H has been residential parent since 2006, we had them an average of 80% of the time when she lived in the same area, and she had never had them longer for a week at a time and even that was rare without their Dad around. So my 3 SS came back extremely dysregulated and had to have intensive therapy and that was when my SS (then 13) really began to unravel. I also was able, now that BPD mom was out of the picture was able to get the neuropsych testing done and finally got the confirmation that SS(then13) was indeed on the autism spectrum.

It was one of those really almost surreal-- Oz like times where I realized that my SS could potentially become extremely dysregulated and jealous while I was with my S-- their new little bro -- since they had never attached properly with their mom and now she was living across the country. So I really had to think fast and think hard and learn how to really consciously attach and use attachment parenting now with ALL my kids to avoid complete chaos in my house.

---

So now 2 years into it, they are all in love with little bro. 

---

So yes, my experience with the Dr. Sears attachment parenting philosophy coupled with the DBT and other techniques I've learned through books and BT and T sessions has been very relevant to understanding my SS and also helped me be a better parent to all my kids.

I think creating new connections with our step kids or grand kids if a parent is a pwBPD is extra challenging. I welcome learning more about the 5 domains of parenting and seeing what else I can add in to the discussion after reading more about it based on my experience.

I can say that the more I do the things that are recommended, the easier it gets for me to internalize and use them all the time.

Looking forward to further discussion with you.

[qcarolr]

mamachelle -

Thanks for sharing your story. You have such compassion and persistence. And a very very full life. Attachment parenting models are new to me. I could easily get stuck in the 'if only' of how disjointed I was when my DD26 was little - her neuropsych testing shows 'non-verbal learning disability' which is a step away from Asperger's. Even with so many accomadations, therapy, etc. she experienced very little success in her life. Then dh was not anywhere near the 'same book' I was in, much less the 'same page'. We started so many supportive things for her without sticking it out long enough to get beneifts. Looking back I can see so many serious attachment issues that I refused, just refused, to face. Geez - I am so stubborn. I am commited to doing better with my gd7.

So part of my interest here - a big part - is to figure out how to continue getting my brain in better working order.The chapters that apply the model of PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy), all grounded in a vessel of unconditional love, give some great guidance in accomplishing this. This model has been used for several years focused on the child. Dan Hughes in this book is shifting the focus to working with parents FIRST in a family focused process. Here is an article by the authors that talks about expeiences of Dan Hughes as a family therapist that this focus grew out of.

www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/recentissues/2012-janfeb/item/1647-brain-based-parenting

How much time would benefit parents reviewing the more technical research based info on how the human brain works as social beings? Would this thread bring more benefit with an emphsis on the application and implementation of this model?

All stories and ideas are so appreciated. New frontiers

qcr

[mamachelle]

Hi qcarolr

I know that kids on the spectrum esp kids like your DD were often under diagnosed back in the 90's. I also know that it is hard to attach to these kids in ways that you might with other kids. My BPD acting SS 10 is very difficult and is very hard to parent. Requires super ninja mind tricks, reading the body language, reading the notes he leaves around the house, listening to the things he is saying while playing, deciphering his lies. If he were my only child I would be completely beside myself. Luckily he does not get the whole spotlight... .  

With SS15 we share a love of history and food and listen to some of the same music so we have been able to bond over that.

Getting around the B/W thinking and also if they have a temperament that is difficult or BPD ish it is easy to see how parenting could be very confusing and challenging.

I have this whole mini ecosystem of kiddos and that gives me a lot of perspective on what is normal vs not so normal. It also helps having step sibs around in my case because they act like cousins almost so there is no sister-brother fighting just bro vs bro and yes sis vs sis.

I guess what I am saying is that it is not too late to work on these things and that you should not be too hard on yourself for your DD26. It was a different era in parenting and I feel like this new research is exciting.

I know others will benefit here. I am going to look at this link and get the book and get back to you when I have some time soon.

[Rose1]

My youngest D has multiple issues - epilepsy, bi polar and speech language impairment (on the autism spectrum).  I won't go into too much detail here but at age 5 we started her in a special school. One of the things done there was one on one work with the kids but interestingly, play therapy (these kids often parallel play rather than play with other kids) and a bonding therapy where the kid and mother sat together for 1/2 hr or so with the mother just holding the kid. The reason given was that these children have difficulty attaching but are also so difficult to handle that parents have difficulty attaching.

BTW when she was a baby I carried her in a carrier - or at least I tried to. She hated it. Oldest D loved it. It might have been something to do with her condition as she has low muscle tone and it may have caused her some pain. No idea really.

[qcarolr]

Rose - this is an area addressed by Dan Hughes in talking about Blocked Care in the parent. The positive brain prarenting systems can be shut down for several reasons - one of them is no reciprocity from the child. It puts us in a place where our lower systems take over and our executive function to moderate this is impaired.

Many of us that come here for support already use strategies that help unblock our parenting systems. Some of the language is different, but the impact can be just as positive. My hope in assimilating this research on how our brain and bodies work will lead to better access to the skills that I store in my head when things get tough in my family. And there are lots and lots of ideas for support from friends, other parents and in threapy to stimulate the positive systems to balance that tricky amygdala that is so emotional. The practical side of the PACE model applied to parents brains is very much about regulating our emotions so we can mirror this to help our kids regulate their emotions. There is actually a specialized area that contains "mirror cells" for just this purpose - if we have access to it.

I am an analytical, science minded person so this approach really connects with me - and how hard it is for me to keep myself together. Mind, Heart, Body.

I am working with staff here to put together a workshop incorporating a lot of this information. You feedback on this thread is so valuable in putting that together. I look forward to hearing more stories - both the successes and frustrations.

qcr

[Rose1]

D is 23 now - was 7 when her BPDf and I split.  PM me if you want

[motherof1yearold]

My daughter is 19 months old, I have 50/50 custody with her  BPD Father. On his days , if he is even at home  ,he does nothing for her. His parents do everything, and in a very let's say "old fashioned" way . When she is over there , she is left to cry it out in her crib. When she is over here, when it is bedtime I simply hold her in the dark and she drifts off to sleep within a few minutes right beside me. Ex and I have only been split 6 months. When she was born we used to bassinet for one night and then kept her in the bed with us . She is still nursing, and when she was smaller both me and ex would baby wear her, he actually even sewed me a handmade ring sling. My daughter is very easy going .

[qcarolr]

mother1yearold

It is so sad that your ex is in this disconnected place. Your loving care will carry her forward. Kids can be very resilient. You can support her with the differentce between the two households as she grows and starts to ask questions

What a great start you have given your little girl.

qcr

[Blazing Star]

I am very interested in this qcarolr!

My partner is the BPD in my life, and I am keen to do all that I can to 'tool up' my girls, aged 4 and 6 months. I love this brain based parenting approach. I have just read "The Whole Brain Child".

How much time would benefit parents reviewing the more technical research based info on how the human brain works as social beings? Would this thread bring more benefit with an emphsis on the application and implementation of this model?

All stories and ideas are so appreciated. New frontiers

qcr

For me I am familiar with the brain info, but I think a brief review would be good. I am really interested in the practical applications of the model, so yes please!

Do you have any more specific questions you would like to ask in relation to developing your Workshop?

Love Blazing Star