What her silence means?Please advice.

[wanttoknowmore]

My gf is BPD waif type. She got dysregulated 3 days ago after visiting a hospice and suddenly,memories of her deceased mother overwhelmed her.She had some dissociative symptoms, anger at me and then, completedly stopped communicating with me. I texts her wishing that she feel better. She responded" please please I beg you not to respond to it... I need rest from this chaos... .  please let me rest... I beg of you." She has not changed anything on her facebook page even our picture is there as before. What this means? I want to help her... I know she is suffering. Has she painted me black? What is right way to respond or not respond at all at this time. Please advice.

[broken but not beaten]

Hi wtkm,my experience of silent treatment is 'punishment'. Its cruel and inhumane. The more you try to communicate the more they get pleasure like a sadistic game of mental torture. I accept these are seriously ill people but their is a vortex of thoughts and feelings swirling aroung their minds. My advice is to leave it and if she wants to talk she will in her own time,the more you pursue the further she will push and the further you get sucked in,its cruel and hurtful but you have choices. I tried to communicate with my uBPDxg during a silent rage and it the outcome was being painted black with the worst verbal abuse I've ever received,just my opinion

[123Phoebe]

I texts her wishing that she feel better. She responded" please please I beg you not to respond to it... I need rest from this chaos... .  please let me rest... I beg of you."

Hi wanttoknowmore,

I feel for you and understand your confusion with this. 

She's asked for rest so I would give it to her = no more texting.  You've sent your well wishes, so give her time to process her intense emotions.  This is about her, not about you, so try not to take it personally or carry around her grief for her.  In a situation like this, I believe that less is more.  Care about her from a distance and carry on with your own business.

Easier said than done when our emotions are all entangled with theirs, but it's a recipe for healing, for both of you.  Hang in there, this too shall pass... .  

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you for your responses and your kindness. Yes, I will not text her now. I feel her pain .She is a very kind and loving human being. I want to help but not contacting her is waht helps her, thats what I will do.

[arabella]

Agreed that you should just leave her be until she reaches out again (and she will). But, in contrast to Broken's experience, mine has been that the silence is often self-punishment for the pwBPD. My pwBPD gets overwhelmed and shuts down sometimes - he really just can't take any extra sensory input, not even 'help' from loved ones. More texts or talking just seem like demands for energy or time that he can't handle, so the shutting down is more self-preservation than anything. Plus, he feels guilty about a lot of things (perhaps your girl feels guilty over the past situation with her mother?) and my soothing at those times seems to reinforce to him (in his distorted view) that he's the problem, he's the bad person, he isn't doing enough, etc. Just some added thoughts for you to consider, for your own peace of mind!

[123Phoebe]

I agree with arabella, (paraphrasing here) that one more thing to think about is akin to the straw that broke the camel's back.  She just can't handle any more pressure coming from anyone or anything.  And that's okay!  She's handling it on her own which is a really good thing

Now, how about you?  What can you do (that doesn't involve her) to make yourself feel really good and energized, or maybe relaxed and at peace?  Have any hobbies you'd like to delve into?  Maybe a book you've been wanting to read?  A museum you've been thinking about going to?

[Somewhere]

my experience?  She is telling to very sincerely what she wants / needs.

Does not really have much to do with you at all.  She is off in crazy land between her ears.  Very lonely, scary, distant, remote place.  You cannot / should not go there with her. 

I would respect the quiet and detached request, make sure she has at least minimal life-support type stuff -- food, etc.

btw, as far as Painted Black . . . you will not even have to ask about it when (and in truth, only IF) THAT happens. 

NOW, like most everyone else has said, let her be and work on you.  What can we do for you, today?

[blecker]

It's seldom productive to second guess people. If someone makes a solid sober request then its really our obligation to grant it if we can.

I mean if I asked you to stop contacting me for now, though it may bewilder you, you would probably not contact me.

Trust in the FACT that she will contact you soon enough. When the darkness clears and she sees that she is still lost she will look to the familiar.

We all do.

[benny2]

In your case, yes, I would say she just needs time to herself. Mine would go silent when he painted me black. I do feel he was dealing with alot of guilt inside himself, but I also think he enjoyed the chase, that being the imature side of him. When I would go silent, he always comes back.

[Randi Kreger]

My gf is BPD waif type. She got dysregulated 3 days ago after visiting a hospice and suddenly,memories of her deceased mother overwhelmed her.She had some dissociative symptoms, anger at me and then, completedly stopped communicating with me. I texts her wishing that she feel better. She responded" please please I beg you not to respond to it... I need rest from this chaos... .  please let me rest... I beg of you." She has not changed anything on her facebook page even our picture is there as before. What this means? I want to help her... I know she is suffering. Has she painted me black? What is right way to respond or not respond at all at this time. Please advice.

It sounds like she is asking for space. Is there a reason you cannot give it to her?

[almost789]

I don't think this one is about punishment. You did nothing, correct? They lash out at the people closest to them in anger when they get dysregulated. I think she just got triggered by the past memories, lashed out at you, and yes, now she needs space. I don't think you are painted black here. Give her space. If you pressure her now, you could risk getting painted black. Take a deep breath, she'll be back to normal.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you,Randy for asking. I can give her space absolutely. I just feel guilty that I indirectly brought her attention to possibility of her having BPD while she was grieving her mother's death again when she visited a hospice to see a friend's mother dying. She got angry and shut me out but texted "please ... please let me rest... .  from this chaos... just let me rest donot respond to it."  I think my guilt about not supporting her better and bringing BPD is haunting me. But, I definitely not contacting her until she contacts me.