Back again and wishing I could leave...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We've had a relatively ok couple of weeks.  Maybe its just the fact that finances haven't weighed on me so I am able to navigate her easier, but it, again, comes crashing. 

My BPDgf is OCD, so she will push herself beyond normal limits to clean our house immaculately.  On top of that, she does all of this while our 1 yr old is awake and grabbing at her for attention.  This causes her to be even more stressed out.  I came home yesterday to try and help and ultimately she didn't go to rest, but hovered and would pick up our son or take care of one of her other boys, and it just added anxiety, and by the end of it started telling me I can't handle it and she does so much and I'm acting like I'm the white knight and etc.  All while the kids were there.  She had a breakdown on Valentine's Day as well because I didn't get dinner started early enough and it "ruined" the night she had planned for the family, which I knew nothing about.

I am an artist, and I see artist couples all the time when I look through portfolio sites and my friends pages... .  and it kills me.  I know every relationship has battles, I'm not an idiot enough to think that life will be a rainbow, but I just want a relationship with someone who at least seems to have the capacity to be happy.  Someone who, even though its hard work, doesn't seem to feel like her children are a burden.  Someone who will support me in my work and life even if its something that doesn't involve them.  I'm just sick of all the pressure and anxiety and fear.  I haven't seen my T in a few weeks, either, and I'm anxious about it, I suppose.  Can't believe I actually need it.  I just feel like I'm stuck in this world where apart from her, common sense makes sense, but when I'm around her, everything she says or does is true, to the severity she claims it to be.  I just want to come home to someone who is happy unless something real happens and wants to spend time enjoying our family together, not needs me to take over so she can escape them for a while.

Very sad and disappointed.

[Winglessfallen]

We've had a relatively ok couple of weeks.  Maybe its just the fact that finances haven't weighed on me so I am able to navigate her easier, but it, again, comes crashing. 

My BPDgf is OCD, so she will push herself beyond normal limits to clean our house immaculately.  On top of that, she does all of this while our 1 yr old is awake and grabbing at her for attention.  This causes her to be even more stressed out.  I came home yesterday to try and help and ultimately she didn't go to rest, but hovered and would pick up our son or take care of one of her other boys, and it just added anxiety, and by the end of it started telling me I can't handle it and she does so much and I'm acting like I'm the white knight and etc.  All while the kids were there.  She had a breakdown on Valentine's Day as well because I didn't get dinner started early enough and it "ruined" the night she had planned for the family, which I knew nothing about.

I am an artist, and I see artist couples all the time when I look through portfolio sites and my friends pages... .  and it kills me.  I know every relationship has battles, I'm not an idiot enough to think that life will be a rainbow, but I just want a relationship with someone who at least seems to have the capacity to be happy.  Someone who, even though its hard work, doesn't seem to feel like her children are a burden.  Someone who will support me in my work and life even if its something that doesn't involve them.  I'm just sick of all the pressure and anxiety and fear.  I haven't seen my T in a few weeks, either, and I'm anxious about it, I suppose.  Can't believe I actually need it.  I just feel like I'm stuck in this world where apart from her, common sense makes sense, but when I'm around her, everything she says or does is true, to the severity she claims it to be.  I just want to come home to someone who is happy unless something real happens and wants to spend time enjoying our family together, not needs me to take over so she can escape them for a while.

Very sad and disappointed.

[sotiredtoonice]

My situation is different than yours, but basically I feel the same way you do. What would it feel like to come home to a happy person who wasn't stressed or mad about stuff that is insane to even consider letting it affect you. I go back and forth on whether or not to try to care and fix things or just live my life and ignore the madness. Sometimes I wish things could improve, other times I just wish I could end it. I wish I could get to a point where I could make my own mind up about what it would take for me to be happy. It is apparently a never ending cycle with no light at the end of the tunnel... .  

[Clearmind]

Your name says it all -  

You speak the raw truth of how life is for you in your household. It can be all so blurry when we are in the thick of it - feel like we are walking around in a day dream. Are you able to extract yourself and start doing some things for yourself? Are you keeping up with friends, family, hobbies, work etc?

Often when we concentrate less on fixing them, allowing them to fall apart, not feel the need to rescue we begin to see day light.

When she is cleaning mode are you able to take the kids to the park, at least the little one, for a while? Let her have her time, her meltdown etc. Or maybe have a conversation when she is calm about how best to support her - maybe taking the kids may help her - however asking her is good because it includes her in the decision making.

It helps to see our role in the r/s too... .  your relationship patterns. These are hard to pinpoint when we concentrate on them so much.

Often, we want to make things OK without really knowing how to do it - because we don't ask. Just some ideas.

[fakename]

winglessfallen,

i know how you feel.

especially everything she says or does is true.

i've had NC from m ex with BPD since feb 4th, (though she sent me a lame email 2 days ago saying "chantix.com will help you quit smoking"... .  all this while she has been dating others.

anyway, i know what you mean about wanting to be with someone who has the capacity to be happy, that will support you in your work and in life.  without her i feel like pressure, stress, and anxiety, but i wish i was still with her - which i'm trying to work out why, when i feel like i dont want to be with her. 

i remember one time, we were in my living room, and she left 3 different lights on in the kitchen (4 ceiling lights, and 2 counter lights)... this is also before i thought she had BPD, i thought she was just very sensitive, but i knew i should phrase what i would say very carefully, so i said, babe, i know youre not used to being here, and i'm not trying to tell you what to do, but the next time, if youre not using a bunch of lights in the kitchen, can you turn them off before you leave the room? it just wastes electricity and isn't needed... .  after hearing this, she flipped out, saying i dont make her feel comfortable and i'm trying to control her and she went off for like 30 minutes.

i remember another time she came over a year ago, and she said she had a bunch of errands to run, but also wanted to get brunch. so i asked her if before we leave for brunch, can you just make a list of all the errands, so we can get all your things done quickly and in an organized why and there's less stress? she flipped out, left, came back, left and then came back and cried.

my r/s was full of incidents like this.  and yet i'm still struggling to let go.  even though i know i just want to be in a normal and more meaningful relationship

[Winglessfallen]

Sotired-

exactly, I cannot even count the number of times I've walked in the door whistling and singing about life to get blindsided by her negativity and anxiety.  It feels like I'm treading water.  Like, no matter how close I get to being happy, she's going to ruin it.  Or, if I manage to keep it and try to enjoy my son, or even try to help out a little, SOMETHING is going to break it down.  I'm going to ask her to grab me something, or if she can watch him for a second so I can go to the bathroom or SOMETHING and BOOM.  I know your situation is different, but I'm sure the frustrations are still there, whether children are involved or not.

Clearmind-

I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  If I take the boys so she can breakdown, then I'm selfish because I make her clean the house, and if I clean the house, I'm selfish because I'm making her take care of the baby, and if I do both or all, then I don't do it right.  Sometimes, everything fits and things are smooth, but then sometimes its a flood of anger, anxiety and criticism.  

I have been attempting to do things that I am interested in and keep with my friends and family, and work, but work is hit most with her breakdowns, outside of my own mental stability.  Its a chore to get her out of bed in time for me to leave (blamed on her insomnia) and I am often late.  I have to come home many times to help her during my lunch break so that she can eat, because of "how much of a bear it is to watch our son".  Often, she messages me all day long about all the trouble our son is giving her, complete with guilt trips for sitting at work doing nothing (which don't happen everyday, and to be fair, I work at a desk and we have some pretty slow days.)  I am trying to focus on some of my artistic endeavors and work on my own business, something I've wanted pretty much my whole life, and on improving my skills, but am often met with criticism, and more often then not feel pressured to do other things over my personal interests.  As for family and friends, I have tried to take our son to my parents on the weekends to visit with them, and also so they can watch him so I can visit my friends as well, but I am accused of not wanting to see my son and not caring about him.  Its really frustrating.

Letting her have her breakdown would be something I would accept were it not for the fact that we have a 1 year old son who she Stays at home with, and leaving her to breakdown means leaving him in danger.  I'm really afraid of what would happen were I to allow her to breakdown, since almost all hours of my day are spent away from the home or caught in some obligation.

Fakename:

at this point, I very often want to be done, and feel compelled to stay because of my son.  And there are slightly more than rare occasions that I feel a little better about the relationship than I do currently, but in all honesty, it feels more like what should be a friendship instead of a relationship.  I am also torn because of religious and moral beliefs that, in all honesty, I don't really have, hence the common sense. It's just a really difficult sea to navigate and I'm torn in a ton of different directions.  Scared for my son, mostly.  I don't want him to grow up with an emotionally unstable mom, but I'm also afraid of a lot of my stuff that could impede my chances of custody.  Plus, I'm scared to death of being a single parent and trying, eventually, to find a relationship again.

[sansa]

The OCD... .  OMG.  It drives me crazy. my pwBPD will let things get to a absolute mess and then it has to me immaculate.  Sometimes it's just before we're having people come to the house and the stress is unbearable.  Then I'm blamed if I don't agree to get with the program.

Our problem is we get ourselves stuck in these relationships and if we're responsible... .  if there's kids... .  if there's financial entanglements... .  we don't know how to extricate ourselves.

[Clearmind]

Wingless, have you asked her how she can feel best supported? How could you frame it?

Pleased you are looking after yourself too.

[Winglessfallen]

My GF's father was very concerned with public image, and her mother was very OCD as well when she was little, so a lot of her triggers are based in "clutter" or what people will think of her.  In fact, come to think of it, many of her outbursts have been from what someone was going to think (especially family).  Every time there is going to be a party at our house or someone coming over, she has some sort of outburst (our son's 1 year birthday party is tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure something is coming.  In fact, she didn't sleep last night and has a break down this morning.)

And yes, I got myself stuck in it.  I have a child with her, which is paramount to anything, plus I am her only means of support financially, and her two children are attached to me.  We've also moved 30 minutes from anyone she knows, which to her might as well be 5 hours from civilization.  And thats right, I have no idea how to get out, so my mind grows accustomed to her personality, to the point of accepting it as right and the things she does don't standout anymore, and a million abuses slip through the cracks.

Clearmind:

I have, and I've attempted to alleviate them, even to the point of complete sacrifice.  I've taken over all activity that involves our son, other than just watching him during the day.  I also pick up and take her sons to any activities they are involved with (which are not many) and drive them to where we meet their father every week, I pack their lunches most of the time, do dishes at night, watch our son all through the night, and from the point that I get home until I leave for work.  I allow her to sleep in on the weekends, try to clean and tidy up when I can (admittedly I'm very absent minded about it), I've taken over grocery shopping, for the most part.  In all honesty, all she is responsible for is watching our son, making dinner for her sons, though she does cook for us as well, and in her mind, cleaning the house.  She occasionally has to sign some papers for their school, and will help them with their homework, which for the most part means listening to one read a story, and answering a few questions about arithmetic or simple spelling words.  I'm sorry to make it seem like I don't respect what she does, I do, but she has just been on me about not being able to do this or that because she has so much on her plate and she doesn't understand how I can do things like forget to grab the library books as I'm running out the door 15 minutes late because she can't get out of bed within the half hour I give her to get up, or remember to grab money for a book order, or leave my wallet at work once (just happened, so I'm kind of venting). 

Again... .  it would be nice to have a somewhat normal abnormal family.  I want my family to be weird and happy, not dysfunctional and destructive.  This morning the first words out of my mouth, as I woke up and read two text messages from her that she sent overnight (I sleep in my sons nursery while she has the bedroom) saying how she had a bunch of anxiety and wasn't able to sleep because she was panicking because she couldn't sleep, and I reflected on everyone she shares blood with, were, "This family is so #^@&ing crazy."