EX showing up at school.

[sfbayjed]

Long history, I currently have 80 percent custody pending a custody eval that should be starting soon.

when I dropped the kids off at school yesterday, the ex was there.   I texted her and asked what she was doing. she said she was volunteering.  I texted her back that I wasnt comfortable with it.  I maybe over reacted a bit to be honest.  It was disturbing seeing her there unexpectedly and I dd not like it one bit.

Last week she wanted to go on a field trip with my daughter I said fine.  last monday on her dinner visit, I let her pick up the kids early because there was no school that day. So its not like I have not been open to her doing things with the kids.  And if she said " I want to volunteer on tuesdays... .  " for this or that. I would not have a problem with it. 

But now she is saying via email that " I will be at the school tomorrow and when any oppurtunity arises to vomunteer"

I dont like it. It makes it so I have to wory about her being there if I want to go to school for a parade or something. 

It doesnt seem right to me.  I emailed her and told her so. 

It is like she is pushing on a boundry to get me to react so she can use my reaction against me.

I dont want to seem like I am being unreasonable. 

On and the cops from her new town called me  5 times at midnight last night and left a message that Ex would lke me to email her instead of text her. Any excuse to call the cops.

I called back this morning and left a message with the officer asking him why he thought it was ok to call me at midnight 5 times over this and possibly wake us up on a school night and to please call me back to discuss it further. 

[DreamGirl]

Is she allowed, via the court order, to volunteer anytime she wants?

I know a lot of parents who have the lower percentage in parenting time will try and "make up" for it by participating in PTA, volunteering at the school, extra-curricular activities, etc.

Sometimes it feels like an intrusion on "our" time when the other parent is present.

Are there particular reasons as to why you don't want her to volunteer?

Or is it mainly because she didn't tell you ahead of time?  

[sfbayjed]

It is mostly because I did not know she would be there and just the way she is about it.  i would like to know when she is going to be there. It was disturbing seeing her there when I took the kids to school.    I hope I am not being unreasonable.   

[Waddams]

Sometimes they are just trying to get a rise out of you when they pull this stuff.  I've experienced it too.  Just my opinion, but the best way to handle it is to react towards them as little as possible.  They want to see the reaction and know they got to you.  Gives them a control thrill.  Eventually they will stop when they don't get the payoff from you.  Then they move on to something else, which may be some other way of getting at you, or may be by fixating on something entirely new.

[DreamGirl]

Your reasons that it was not OK:

You didn't know she was going to be there.

You would like to know she's going to be there.

You were disturbed.


I don't want to say that you're being unreasonable - but I do know that your reasons are a lot about you and how you feel. We have to be sure to separate that stuff when we are in "parent mode" - asking ourselves "is this about me or is it about the kiddos?"

I don't know your exW's intentions. Maybe she just wants to be around her kids thru the school system because she's not allowed to be otherwise. Maybe she's just trying to bait you into an argument.

I try to take it at face value. She wants to volunteer for field trips and at school. I think that's OK as the other parent. A heads up would be nice - but is it necessary?

That's a judgment call and one I hope you can make with your logic and reason - and not so much emotions.  

[tog]

My guess is that, unless you have good reasons for not wanting her there, such as : the kids are upset by her being there, or, she confronts you and starts a crisis in the parking lot, or, the court order forbids it, or something like that... .  the court will see you as being unreasonable, quite honestly.

She is their mother and unless she causing problems somehow, you can't make it about you. When my SO's stbxw first put SS13 in his private school, she was there every.dang.day. She got such validation and supply from being there. SO thought it was a little nutty, but his lawyer told him to drop it... .  it would make him look bad.

This year, she doesn't hang around so much. Her negative advocates are not there anymore.

[ForeverDad]

Your parenting control over her is like holding a partially filled balloon.  No matter how hard you try to cup it in your hands and contain it, somewhere it will bulge out through a gap.  That's physics.  And that's what she is doing.

Perhaps she is now trying to look like the involved parent to the public & school (public mask) and that despite the court order to the contrary she is flaunting that she can still see the kids virtually whenever she wants simply because the order didn't specifically block it.  And I'm presuming she used to work during these hours?

Is there some way to consult with the court or evaluator or appropriate professional and inquire if this is appropriate?  Clearly I would think they didn't expect this (since she hadn't been doing this before) but hard to know if they would react strongly or not at this time.  I would at least try to see if whoever's overseeing the case can give you direction.

At least one factor, as noted by tog, would be whether the children are being distressed and how much.  Obviously she's pushing your court ordered boundaries - your increased parenting time - but it's hard to know whether the professionals will advise action or reaction.

[sfbayjed]

 I am trying to keep boundries in place but it is hard to know where to draw the line.  

The kids had a feista yesterday, which I couldnt go to because she was there.  I could have anyway I know. But I felt I couldnt with her there.  

Today the kids had a lunar new year celebration and I asker her to stay away so I could go. I didnt see her there.  

I feel like I made a mistake asking her to stay away. Seeing her there brought up alot of anxiety.  


I just sent her this in an email  "I have had time to think this over now and I do not wish to make a bid deal over this.   If you want to volunteer at the school that is fine with me.  I would prefer you let me know when you are going to be there so I know what to expect .   I will be at the school at times as well.  If we are there at the same time, I expect we can remain civil"

[DreamGirl]

I like it. 

[tog]

If she's the type to cause drama at the school if you are there, then it's better for the kids if you guys don't go together. If she's the "keep up images" type who won't cause any (like my SO's stbxw), then the kids benefit if you can both be there. Although, my SS has said that his mother gets mad if he spends too much time with us on "her day".

I have to say, it was pretty amazing she stayed away on the day you asked her to.

[david]

I currently have 45% custody in the court order. Ex started showing up at school on my pick up days just to say hello to our boys. I kept my physical distance and did not react. It happened about a half dozen times and stopped. My belief was it was just a way to engage or get a reaction from me. I wasn't comfortable with her there but didn't think she would continue since being there wasn't about the kids but more about her. The kids thought it was unusual and expressed that to me. I really didn't say much except that she probably wanted to see them.

Ex doesn't help them with homework,etc. which would be better for them but it is what it is.

[tog]

Yes, SO's stbxw also does not help with homework. She puts on a big show at school of being MOTY but she can't seem find the will to help him with homework much. She also demanded he play an instrument and get in the school band, so he took up the drums... .  we haven't seen his drum pad come over here in weeks, and last we heard, he wasn't yet allowed to use the drum set we have in the basement. She's in charge of school decisions, so I guess it's up to her to make sure he brings his drum pad over. She loses interest in all of this stuff pretty quickly. I think she thought band would be after school and keep him from socializing (which seems to be her effort right now) and since it isn't... .  

We find it's about appearances more than any kind of actual good parenting, though that's very, very hard for most people to see through, including the kids.

[hell0kitty]

Our BPDex has majority time, so my BF volunteers at the school to make up for it.  She actually tried to insist that we could not attend school events or volunteer on days that were not ours because she did not want to have to see us there.  She said if we "Need to go, we needed to inform her in advance and she would try to accommodate him" as in "I might let you go to the play as long as you leave your partner and other kids at home"

We told her it was not about her, it was about the child, and we stay away from her, and the child is happy to have everyone there, so it should not be an issue. 

All I'm trying to say is to remember it is about control with them.  If it is not one way, it is easily the other as long as it is contradictory to what you want.  Or that is how it seems. I love the half full balloon analogy.  So true.