Divorce master next Friday; need help and moral support

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My divorce master with ndBPD (w/NPD traits)H is scheduled for next Friday.  L and I are still waiting for a counterproposal from H and his L in order to try to settle prior to the hearing.  However, I am beginning to think it is not coming, or if it comes it will be too ridiculous and/or too late.  The divorce master hearing is only to decide the divorce, not custody.  I filed in Nov., 2011, and H has done everything to resist and avoid, which is why I filed for fault and at fault divorce.  Because since he is absolutely against the divorce, if the judge finds him at fault next Fri, he will grant the divorce.  J has already told Ls at pretrial conferences that he has plenty for indignities to grant the divorce, but that he is unsure of the date of separation.  My L is pushing for the date of filing, but H is pushing for much later, saying that we were "living as a couple".  Well, he is right, we were.  But that is because he refused to move out of the house (purchased solely by me prior to the date of marriage), and because so did I (because I make all of the payments, he has no job, etc) and also because we continued to do things as a family, which I did for the sake of the kids, S7 and D2, to try to maintain as much "normalcy" as possible.  Yeah, you're right, there ain't much of that in our house... .  

I have no REAL evidence against H.  I have months of documentation (hand written).  He actually came across one of my notebooks containing a few months worth and stole it from me, but I tried to recount at least some of that.  It's basically all going to be word of mouth.  I am saying he drinks too much (again, I have no actual proof, and can only say what I've witnessed), is verbally/emotionally abusive, has anger control problems, and then there was some weird sexual stuff, too.  You could look at some of my older posts, but basically I got really confused about his sexual desires/orientation, and also did not feel like there was any true intimacy in our r/s.  I had a bunch of documentation including posts he placed on Craig's list saying he was bisexual and interested in male to male things.  He is very angry that I would bring up anything in court and he uses the defense that I was involved.  I was, to some extent.  ie, I knew about some of the CL posts, because he talked about maybe trying to have a 3some with another man, and I always told him I just wanted him, but if he really wanted, I would consider, but that it made me really nervous.  One time we did a short web cam thing with a guy.  I was trying to go along and see if I could make whatever he was interested in, work... .  ie, accept him for who he was.  I am bringing this all up, because he keeps "threatening" me that he hopes I bring that up in court, because he "found more stuff" and so on and so forth.  He wants to expose things like that I had a 3some like 8 years ago when I was single and that I once contracted a treatable STD, to try to portray a bad character, just defame me or whatever.  Those things don't really bother me.  I don't think they are at all related to our divorce case, nor necessarily immoral.  They were bad decisions, just like marrying him.  So should I avoid bringing this stuff up, or should I just let it all fly?  He threatens showing a pic (of me) from the webcam thing, also to say "See what kind of person she is?"  Well, it was all his idea, and he was right there, engaging in and encouraging all of this.

He has no job, and he shouts at me on a daily basis in front of the kids.  He is constantly talking about the divorce and how it's all my fault and saying things like "You are scum,  you are low-life, you're an a-hole, you're the one destroying our family, you're destroying your daughter, your taking your daughter's father away from her, you did all of this, you're a two-bit ho, you're a liar", etc etc etc right in front of the kids.

It is truly, truly, awful, and on top of it, I have gotten into a terrible rut of sleeping on the floor with D2 (lay down with her and then fall asleep), soothing her multiple awakenings in the middle of the night, and now even taking her into bed with me.  I aim to try to reverse this all this weekend.  I actually don't mind her sleeping near me per se, it has just become so demanding, and I have no time to do anything, because if I am missing, she is upset, and I would normally try to do things after she is asleep.  That and I have been so tired.

Please help me with moral support, advice, and suggestions!

[nowheretogo]

My divorce master with ndBPD (w/NPD traits)H is scheduled for next Friday.  L and I are still waiting for a counterproposal from H and his L in order to try to settle prior to the hearing.  However, I am beginning to think it is not coming, or if it comes it will be too ridiculous and/or too late.  The divorce master hearing is only to decide the divorce, not custody.  I filed in Nov., 2011, and H has done everything to resist and avoid, which is why I filed for fault and at fault divorce.  Because since he is absolutely against the divorce, if the judge finds him at fault next Fri, he will grant the divorce.  J has already told Ls at pretrial conferences that he has plenty for indignities to grant the divorce, but that he is unsure of the date of separation.  My L is pushing for the date of filing, but H is pushing for much later, saying that we were "living as a couple".  Well, he is right, we were.  But that is because he refused to move out of the house (purchased solely by me prior to the date of marriage), and because so did I (because I make all of the payments, he has no job, etc) and also because we continued to do things as a family, which I did for the sake of the kids, S7 and D2, to try to maintain as much "normalcy" as possible.  Yeah, you're right, there ain't much of that in our house... .  

I have no REAL evidence against H.  I have months of documentation (hand written).  He actually came across one of my notebooks containing a few months worth and stole it from me, but I tried to recount at least some of that.  It's basically all going to be word of mouth.  I am saying he drinks too much (again, I have no actual proof, and can only say what I've witnessed), is verbally/emotionally abusive, has anger control problems, and then there was some weird sexual stuff, too.  You could look at some of my older posts, but basically I got really confused about his sexual desires/orientation, and also did not feel like there was any true intimacy in our r/s.  I had a bunch of documentation including posts he placed on Craig's list saying he was bisexual and interested in male to male things.  He is very angry that I would bring up anything in court and he uses the defense that I was involved.  I was, to some extent.  ie, I knew about some of the CL posts, because he talked about maybe trying to have a 3some with another man, and I always told him I just wanted him, but if he really wanted, I would consider, but that it made me really nervous.  One time we did a short web cam thing with a guy.  I was trying to go along and see if I could make whatever he was interested in, work... .  ie, accept him for who he was.  I am bringing this all up, because he keeps "threatening" me that he hopes I bring that up in court, because he "found more stuff" and so on and so forth.  He wants to expose things like that I had a 3some like 8 years ago when I was single and that I once contracted a treatable STD, to try to portray a bad character, just defame me or whatever.  Those things don't really bother me.  I don't think they are at all related to our divorce case, nor necessarily immoral.  They were bad decisions, just like marrying him.  So should I avoid bringing this stuff up, or should I just let it all fly?  He threatens showing a pic (of me) from the webcam thing, also to say "See what kind of person she is?"  Well, it was all his idea, and he was right there, engaging in and encouraging all of this.

He has no job, and he shouts at me on a daily basis in front of the kids.  He is constantly talking about the divorce and how it's all my fault and saying things like "You are scum,  you are low-life, you're an a-hole, you're the one destroying our family, you're destroying your daughter, your taking your daughter's father away from her, you did all of this, you're a two-bit ho, you're a liar", etc etc etc right in front of the kids.

It is truly, truly, awful, and on top of it, I have gotten into a terrible rut of sleeping on the floor with D2 (lay down with her and then fall asleep), soothing her multiple awakenings in the middle of the night, and now even taking her into bed with me.  I aim to try to reverse this all this weekend.  I actually don't mind her sleeping near me per se, it has just become so demanding, and I have no time to do anything, because if I am missing, she is upset, and I would normally try to do things after she is asleep.  That and I have been so tired.

Please help me with moral support, advice, and suggestions!

[ForeverDad]

Time is limited, so I'll just post one reassuring line of thought.  Whether the court would pay attention to any nonthreatening or nonabusive adult behaviors is questionable, and certainly not something from years ago that is not an ongoing pattern of behavior.

In my case, I was trying to describe my ex ranting and raging at me in the car, pulling my hair, kicking me and the court stopped me from going back farther than 6 months, they considered anything older as 'stale' though I believe older incidents could be used to establish patterns of behavior.

So the embarassing events of years past, will be largely ignored, or ought to be.  Yes, in the old days, decades ago, threats to reveal past affairs and risque behaviors were commonly used for leverage but those days are long gone.  Today it's largely "ho-hum, no big deal, keep moving along folks".  If anything you can simply state they were at ex's urging and toss it back at him as the instigator, but likely you won't even have to do that.

Remember to see it as largely separate adult behaviors versus parenting behaviors.  You may have to remind the court of that obvious distinction, but I doubt it.  This is mostly him trying to pressure, intimidate and embarass you in order to chip away at your resolve and your confidence to move forward.

[Christina]

Hi nowheretogo,

I have no experience with a divorce master, but I have quite a bit of experience having my life derailed by a person with BPD/NPD.  Others here can probably give you specific and sound advice about the hearing.

As a moral support suggestion, I think there are some things you can do to strengthen yourself. I remember your earliest posts here.  You mentioned then that you are a non-confrontational person (as many of us nons are), and that while you were already at the end of your rope with the situation, you were finding it nearly impossible to find your way to a solution. I think it would help you and give you some strength before the hearing to reread your earlier posts here and remind yourself of just how awful some of the things that have happened are. Back then, his continually bringing up to you and to your son that your son is bi-racial was completely inappropriate. Recall the incident where he hurt your son trying to "discipline" him.  Remember the specifics of his Craigslist activity and how upset and demoralized you were when you read the posts.  Especially remember any inappropriate behavior directed at or in the presence of the children. Whatever past indiscretions he may threaten you with (this is an example of how Fear can be used to keep you walking on eggshells), if what you need to do in this hearing is to make them understand the situation, then hold your head high and honestly recount the details of what this guy has put you through. Be careful not to be too nice or try to be too fair. You are a young woman with a bright future, and you and your children deserve a much happier life than you've had so far.  I'll be very happy when we can all celebrate your new beginning, and I'll be thinking of you and cheering for you Friday. I'm sure lots of people here will be.  All the best to you.   

[stuckinbetween]

Who is going to look worse if he brings this stuff up in court?  He will!  He's just trying to bully and frighten you.  You were a young wife who gave into his coercion.  Just explain it if it comes up in court, but I doubt it will.  When you show a pattern of his behavior, the court will see the context for how this could happen.

Any luck getting him to move out?  Psych evals?  How horrible to live with him.  :)o you have a T. who could write a report about how this is effecting you?  Keep a journal every day.

Hugs going out to you.

Stuckinbetween

[hadenoughtoo]

I would not worry too much about him bringing "morals" into it. Stick to the facts, you do not intend to remain married to someone who is not truthful, verbally abusive and consumes alcohol on a daily basis. This is a short term marriage and that in your opinion he views you as his meal ticket and that is his primary motivation. How does he intend to prove that you still live as man and wife? Whip out time/date stamped pics of you two having sex? Simply state that you do not see your relationship as a marriage and that he needs to make alternate plans for his life.


Have you considered recording some of his daily rantings? The master may consider those to be interesting.

[livednlearned]

J has already told Ls at pretrial conferences that he has plenty for indignities to grant the divorce, but that he is unsure of the date of separation.

 

Then it sounds like you are likely to be granted the divorce, is that right?

I have no REAL evidence against H.

 

Is the judge depending on you to produce evidence in order to grant the divorce?

My opinion? I think you are very, very, very tired. It is so difficult leaving these people, not to mention how difficult it is to be married to them. Difficult means that you don't sleep well, you don't think well, everything feels hard. You have a demanding job, a young child, and a very disordered ex. Hard hard hard. So it's understandable that your ex is able to get to you like this -- he's able to exploit your weakest points, the vulnerabilities about you as a moral person. My ex did the same thing. It is very uncomfortable to tell near strangers that you contemplated 3-way sex, or that you may have contracted an STD. But the truth is, no one in the room wants to hear it, and very likely, no one will. If it does come up -- our N/BPDs are good at what they do, after all -- you soldier through it, knowing that it makes him look nasty.

Like FD, stuckinbetween, and hadenoughtoo wrote -- stick to the facts that the court cares about. Excessive alcohol consumption is not a good home environment for a child. The conflict level is excessive and not healthy for the children. You and your ex are so incompatible that it is not good for the kids that you remain living under the same roof. Practice 4 or 5 sentences like that: Something excessive that he does, the untenable environment it creates, the effect on the kids. Over and over. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone -- and no one expects you to.

It's hard to get him out of your head when you're so emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually tired. He is wearing you down so he can wear you down more.

[nowheretogo]

Everyone, thank you.  Everything feels like it is falling apart at the seams... .  My S7 "hates me", D2 is wining and crying continuously and hardly sleeping, and H continues daily rages and other crap.  Distortion campaigns against me with the kids are probably working on S7 to some extent.  With D2, I think he is only managing to alienate himself from her with his behavior.

This weekend he had the audacity to ask me to take him for all you can eat seafood, or to buy him a big lobster, raged at me, but also told me that I am the love of his life and queen of his heart and that's not going to change... .  omg... .  this disorder is soo ridiculous! 

He now claims that he has hired "a professional" for $90 to come to the house to examine the situations with the kids, basically so that he can have someone say that he is right, and I am wrong.  That D2 clings to me because I have always given her everything she has wanted and responded everytime she cries, and that it's not normal for my S7 to not want to go play by  himself outside or in his room but to rather be around me and/or H when he is home from school, etc.  He thinks the kids are abnormal and have huge problems, and he is constantly saying this, and S7 is starting to believe it.  He said this "pro" may come when I am not there... .  well, what kind of an eval is that? For someone to observe H and D2, hear H's stories, and nothing else? He is so convinced that I need such big help.  I know and realize that my parenting has some flaws, and I know what they are and want to fix them, but I actually feel like H's presence in the house is a major obstacle for me trying to achieve these ends.

He has not made an offer for settlement that I know about.

I am meeting with L tomorrow am, followed by T, to prepare for Friday.

I can't believe I may still have to live with him for still more than a month longer! 

[catnap]

He is constantly talking about the divorce and how it's all my fault and saying things like "You are scum,  you are low-life, you're an a-hole, you're the one destroying our family, you're destroying your daughter, your taking your daughter's father away from her, you did all of this, you're a two-bit ho, you're a liar", etc etc etc right in front of the kids.

Even one recording of this daily verbal abuse would be useful. 

I think he is desperate and throwing out multiple "threats" hoping something will stop the process.  Have your attorney run you through how the process will likely work on Friday will be helpful.  Ask if ancient history brought up what the attorney will do to if it happens can be reassuring.  As to his $90 "professional" sounds like something he just made up.  I would think if there was any validity to a professional coming in it would be in the hundreds of dollars. 

You are a strong woman to be standing up to your current situation and once he is out of the house, you will be on your way to a wonderful future!

[nowheretogo]

I have been told by L that recordings are illegal... .  even if I tell him, if he does not consent to it... .  

there may be some recordings, like home videos, but I don't know how much good they are

so I keep hand documenting everything (well a lot of, because it gets exhausting) that he says. 

It is so funny to hear him saying things like,

-I've asked you to go get help (I see a therapist, he doesn't)

-It's your disease, not mine!

-I know at least 20 people who have spent enough time around you to know that you're the crazy one, not me!

And, my favorite,

-I KNOW I'M not the issue!  YOU ARE!

oh, and also... .  

-One day your eyes will be opened, but it will be too late.

-You are really going to regret this!  You're going to realize, "Maybe I didn't have it so bad."

LOLOLOL

[livednlearned]

Once the kids are out of the conflict, they will adapt. My son was falling apart at the seams -- nearly brought me to my knees with grief I was so worried about him.

He was 7 and 8 when things were so bad, and I didn't feel as though I had any hope of turning it around.

But I did. You will too -- your kids will get through this when you have some distance from him. They're acting out the emotional tension in your house, and honestly, I know of no one who can be an effective parent when the other one is spewing conflict and abuse at everyone.

Hang in there.



LnL

[nowheretogo]

Thanks, LnL... .  

I am hanging in.  Decided to let the sleeping issues with D2 not be a huge problem for me now, ie, not worry about solving them until the dust has settled down.  She is so unsettled and I think it is some regression, so I think she needs me to comfort her at night for now.

I met with L this morning.  H made a proposal to settle for 65K and a bunch of items from the house that he can sell for cash and 90 more days of living in the house because he can't find a job.  90 days!  That's like a death sentence for me .

We countered with 50K, all the stuff he asked for, and 30 days... .  

He will probably take the evening to explode at me and try to intimidate me some more before deciding how he will handle this tomorrow.  I hope it doesn't backfire and he reacts emotionally with, "Fine, let's just go to court on Friday!", but it might.

If we can settle, we need to have everything signed and completed before the 1 pm divorce master hearing scheduled for Fri... .  

Please keep me and the children in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days

[hadenoughtoo]

He should be able to afford a hotel room and a storage unit with 50k, 30 days is very generous considering that you filed for divorce over a year ago.

Please tell me that your attorney addresses his behavior during the 30 day period in this offer? If it's not addressed your STBX will continue his current campaign of terror, trust me. My ex continued his for some time even after he moved out and the divorce was final. It took at least two years for him to stop trying to treat me as if I was still his indentured servant.

Also be prepared for him to pull some last minute stunt like not showing up Friday in an effort to delay further.

[nowheretogo]

Good points, hadenough.  He countered back again yesterday afternoon with 60K and 45 days. Oh, and he threw in that he wants an agreement for shared (50/50) custody after the divorce(NO WAY!) Told me at home that he won't settle for less than 60, and I can call his bluff if I want.  We are going to counter again today, not 100% sure with what, maybe 55K, and I'm thinking about maybe asking for a moving out "no later than" date (April 15th?).  I was thinking offering him the cash, only when he moves out, to provide incentive to (maybe) get out sooner.  What do you think?  You are right, the behavior needs to be addressed, too. 

Strangely, he was like a different person last night.  There was an eerie calm in the house.  Relief?  The professional that he hired to hear about the child care came, and he said to me that he has to apologize, that he's been wrong about a lot of the things and that I have been right about a  lot, and also wrong about some.  He even tried some new (for him) parenting techniques last night (talking and explaining rather than shouting/intimidating/threatening). He also said that the pro said daycare is old fashioned, daycare should not be disciplining the kids (?), and kids shouldn't be in daycare (I'm sure he will present this as evidence when we have our custody suit).  He also said he has stopped drinking beer for the last three days "not becuase of the hearing on Fri, but because it is bloating him and he is getting too much of a beer gut."  Who is this man? I would like to believe that he is going to change, but I know better.

[livednlearned]

Good points, hadenough.  He countered back again yesterday afternoon with 60K and 45 days. Oh, and he threw in that he wants an agreement for shared (50/50) custody after the divorce(NO WAY!) Told me at home that he won't settle for less than 60, and I can call his bluff if I want.  We are going to counter again today, not 100% sure with what, maybe 55K, and I'm thinking about maybe asking for a moving out "no later than" date (April 15th?).  I was thinking offering him the cash, only when he moves out, to provide incentive to (maybe) get out sooner.  What do you think?  You are right, the behavior needs to be addressed, too. 

Strangely, he was like a different person last night.  There was an eerie calm in the house.  Relief?  The professional that he hired to hear about the child care came, and he said to me that he has to apologize, that he's been wrong about a lot of the things and that I have been right about a  lot, and also wrong about some.  He even tried some new (for him) parenting techniques last night (talking and explaining rather than shouting/intimidating/threatening). He also said that the pro said daycare is old fashioned, daycare should not be disciplining the kids (?), and kids shouldn't be in daycare (I'm sure he will present this as evidence when we have our custody suit).  He also said he has stopped drinking beer for the last three days "not becuase of the hearing on Fri, but because it is bloating him and he is getting too much of a beer gut."  Who is this man? I would like to believe that he is going to change, but I know better.

Why do you have to counter? Why not say "This is the amount agreed to, no more." Call his bluff. Or show him that the negotiations are getting much worse for him, while adding in something that solves the problem of him not leaving. For example, offer him 50K and you will pay hotel for 30 days, but he needs to move out in 10 days. If he doesn't move out in 10 days, he can pay his own hotel out of the 50K. You need to let him negotiate with himself. Right now, it's like your offers are almost predictable, and he is calling the shots.

Your L is not fighting hard enough for you, imo.

He is not going to change. And if he is, let him go off and change for 5 years and then present the results to you.

[nowheretogo]

Well, I guess you're right.  I guess my L has sort of adopted the strategy of better moving forward than not moving at all, which is, letting him manipulate and control the outcome to some extent.  We did agree to 60K and move out by April 15th (payable when he moves out).  We will meet at the judges office at the time of the scheduled divorce master hearing on Fri. to finalize, in case if he decides to back out of the settlement, we can go forward with the hearing then.  I guess I am just too eager to get rid of him, just as I was always to eager to have him stop hounding me to buy this or that or do this or that for him, and gave in.  The good news is, I should be divorced by next week!  Please keep your fingers crossed and pray for me and the kids.  Now I need strategies on how to proceed/what to do until he does move out.  Advice?

[catnap]

You can knock me over with a feather, I was convinced the "child pro" was a bluff.  Your attorney needs to ask his L for a copy of her report. 

No more discussion of the divorce in front of the kids.

No more talk about property that is settled.

Daycare stays in place.

Have your L set time on the 15th he has to out by in the agreement: for example, by 1pm. 

I hope he spends the 45 days looking for an apartment, a job and packing up his stuff.  Praying that Friday goes well for you.

[livednlearned]

Well, I guess you're right.  I guess my L has sort of adopted the strategy of better moving forward than not moving at all, which is, letting him manipulate and control the outcome to some extent. 

My L was very reasonable in the beginning too -- sometimes we have to start off looking fair otherwise we look like the disordered spouses. I understand! It's a lengthy, expensive, head banging experience. I just wish we could relieve some of your anguish, but of course, that's just a codependent's pipe dream 

Good suggestions from catnap. Be prepared to change the locks on the 15th so he doesn't continue to hang around.

[nowheretogo]

Well, I guess it's the beginning of the end!  We met today, and actually managed to sign a Marital Settlement Agreement.  I have to pay him 65K, he has to be out by April 15th, and I have to give him 10K of the 65 by 7 days.

He was crazy last night, asking for the additional 5K to make it 65 from 60, and then revoking, saying he loved me, and then going back to it again when I again stated that I wasn't changing my mind (he was trying to beg me back in again).

I am scared to go home again, but I hope he is withdrawn rather than raging.  I can hope... .  but I'm sure there is going to be lots of angry yelling over the weekend. 

Bittersweet, for now, until he is out, and we still have the whole custody suit ahead... .  

[ForeverDad]

Can you have trusted friends or family call you a couple times during the evenings so you don't feel so alone and targeted?  Maybe set up a few code words so they know to come over ASAP, just in case?

[livednlearned]

I hope the weekend goes ok!

It does seem like H just got what he wanted -- $65K and he stays in the house for quite a long time. The financial stuff is (usually) a bit more straightforward than custody.

Do you feel like your L did a good job with the MSA? Is there any part of you that thinks it might be better if you found a new L? If you're like a lot of us, we don't like conflict, and switching Ls might trigger some of that kind of thinking. But one thing I'll say about my L -- she advocated for me like I was one of her own, and it has made a huge difference. You don't want someone who wheels and deals to be helping you with custody. You want someone who will really fight for you, and keep you from sabotaging what's best for you and your kids.

[hadenoughtoo]

I hope your weekend is not as bad as predicted. Glad something got resolved today, I agree that you may need a more aggressive attorney for the custody portion. I think your STBXH wore your attorney down.

[nowheretogo]

Well, it's still crazy as ever.  Raging episodes Fri night and late night/early am Sat, which true to form turned back into "I love you" and it doesn't have to be this way and let's go spend the night in a hotel as a family and etc... .  so,  yes, we're divorced, but as I feared, nothing has changed.  I did call my attorney Fri. night and leave a message saying I was being harrassed.

He is stuck on trying to buy a house with the $65K instead of getting a job and renting a place for a year or two, while being wise with the money in order to plan to buy a home in the future.

I want to write so much... .  but it all boils down to he is STILL trying to bargain with me, get me to change my mind, whatever.  I need the separation SO BADLY!

[nowheretogo]

OK, nobody replied to my last post, and it is my nature/personality to wonder if everyone just gave up on me.  I don't think that is probably the case, but you know, we all come here for support.   

Am I correct to say that I should be present for the time when H decides to sell the stuff that he was awarded in the settlement agreement to try to prevent him from selling more than that?  And how do I effectively prevent that from happening even while being there?

I am waiting for the decree to come out, hopefully this week.  I am then planning to start changing my name back, dropping him from life insurance, cell phone, etc. once he gets the 10K from me later this week.

[GaGrl]

What is the logistics plan for his selling items?  That sounds awkward if he's selling items from the house you're still in together.  In that case, I'd plan to be there, with several friends.

[nowheretogo]

I don't think the plan is quite set yet.  He has advertised on CL for a yard/sale auction on "a Saturday".  I think that he really isn't sure if/what he wants to sell yet, because he still doesn't know where he is going to be living.  And also, maybe it is more symbolic of him letting go, which he clearly still does not want to do, and so maybe he is "putting it off" for that reason, too.

[livednlearned]

OK, nobody replied to my last post, and it is my nature/personality to wonder if everyone just gave up on me.  I don't think that is probably the case, but you know, we all come here for support.   

Am I correct to say that I should be present for the time when H decides to sell the stuff that he was awarded in the settlement agreement to try to prevent him from selling more than that?  And how do I effectively prevent that from happening even while being there?

I am waiting for the decree to come out, hopefully this week.  I am then planning to start changing my name back, dropping him from life insurance, cell phone, etc. once he gets the 10K from me later this week.

I'm here! I support you    I even have a whole cheering section for you  Congratulations on the divorce, even if he's still living there. It's a big psychological step.

Yes, you should be present when he sells stuff. Bring in your people so you have moral support, even if it makes you feel weird. Can you do that? If he tries to sell things that aren't listed, tell him you will deduct the amount he makes from the $$$ you will pay him in the settlement. Or something like that.

And good plan to start separating your life from him as soon as you can, not just for legal reasons, but for your own peace of mind. It will help lift your morale, I think, and start giving you a sense of boundaries even while he's living in the house. And maybe even privacy.

One thing you might want to do is block him from checking your credit report too. Isn't he trained as a private investigator? He might get a bit creepy after he's out of the house, and you don't want him snooping around anywhere he shouldn't be, including having access to your private financial history. The day he moves out, arrange to have someone come in and change the locks asap. That will also be good for your head space.

Big hug to you! I'm really pulling for you.

[catnap]

I am still here! 

Cheers to getting the divorce. 

I would drop him from anything you have him on as beneficiary asap, if you have not already done so.   

One thing you might want to do is block him from checking your credit report too.

The day he moves out, arrange to have someone come in and change the locks asap. That will also be good for your head space.

Excellent ideas.  You might want to consider opening new bank accounts, if I am not mistaken, some members have had accounts raided even after their spouse was removed because they had the account numbers and passwords. Ditto for credit cards. . .have new ones issued.

Give up on you? No way. . .I am busy getting balloons, party hats, horns and a cake for your April 15th party! 

[GaGrl]

Another thought... .  video the items Ianthe house now to document what you have, so if he sells an item he isn't entitled to, you have proof and a basis for deducting $$$ from the settlement.

[livednlearned]

As you start to take care of these seemingly small (but symbolic) things, you are going to slowly start getting your strength back. It's a great feeling -- and important for you, since he'll still be there trying to "rent space in your head."

Plz let us know what kind of cake you want at your party on April 15 

[nowheretogo]

Yay! You are all still here!  I love you all... .  

Yesterday he had packed up a bunch of stuff, piled high in the garage in large tupperware boxes (solid opaque colors).  I guess I need to go through and make sure none of my stuff is in there.  I'm sure he will harrass me the whole time while I try to do this (if the boxes are still there).  He took 18 x 20 pic of D2 in frame from the mantle, and a few of her other photos in frames and both digital photo frames (one is his premaritally).  He cleaned out and unplugged the small fridge in the garage, which is not on the list of stuff he asked for, although we do have another small fridge in another room in the house.  He took a big Costco size box of printer paper (also not in the list, but he is taking out printer/fax/copier).  How picky should I be about this stuff?  Obviously he is not a rational person.  Do I just let most stuff that doesn't really matter go, and just focus on him being gone instead?  I know it isn't right in principle, but is it worth more harrassment and name calling and crap of this sort?

I am praying that he really truly leaves by April 15th, and doesn't make me figure out how to do it legally.  He is also to sign the tax refund check, so that I can deposit it.  We are getting a big  refund, and I need it to incorporate into the 65K that I have to pay him.  He has already threatened to not sign if I don't give him back the ring (he also did not ask for/not listed in the agreement).  The settlement does specifically say that he is to sign it.  But again, I may have to have that enforced.

I hear you all about videoing the items in the house... .  if he hasn't already packed up the camera and camcorder.  Guess I can use my phone.

I am ordered to give him 10K by Friday.  Guess I'll just wait until then.  We already have separate accounts, always did.  But I need to get a car, and then drop the insurance and stop paying for his cell phone and everything else.

I haven't gotten the decree yet, so I can't get him off of the life insurance, etc. yet.  L said it would be out this week, so I am waiting.

Please keep in touch with me.  Even though I've made this big psychological step, I still have many more to go