Divorce master next Friday; need help and moral support

[GaGrl]

It does sound like positive movement... .  of course, it can all go "pear-shaped" in a hurry, as we all know.

So, here's what my DH's experience was, when he sold his house to The Dark Princess.

First of all, the house title and mortgage was in his name; she had never been on any legal papers.  She had moved out in 1995 but returned periodically when a current relationship went bad, and pretty much came and went as she wished.  However, she never filed for divorce and neither did DH.  When DH and I reconnected (we had known each other as teens, crazy about each other but went different ways), he quickly filed.  The intent was for him to move into my house, 100 miles away.  Rather than put his house on the market, with all that entailed, I suggested he ask if TDP might want to buy it -- baaaaaaadddddd suggestion, but then I was still pretty naive about personality disorders.

So there I was, with a 4-bedroom, 4-bath, fully furnished house that couldn't really fit a lot of his "stuff."  Plus, much of the "stuff" (including an entire storage building) at his house still belonged to The Dark Princess.  So she said she wanted to buy the house, and DH started moving his smaller items to my house bit by bit.  Then they hit a snag (like most everyone does), in which she decided to go for alimony, child support (for the adult daughter and grandaughter, no less), ownership of the house she had no legal interest in, and weird stuff like DH continuing to pay for the care of the adult daughter's dog.  She absolutely COULD NOT understand why her business even needed to be named in the divorce papers (DH was clarifying that he had not interest in her business, she had no interest in his; she had a house; he had a house, etc.).  In the end, the only thing that worked was to say, "We'll see you in court."  Her business was a front for illicit activity -- an Asian massage parlor, which she owned and operated actively as a prostitute.  This is the part people just can't believe -- DH is a professional, with community standing and stellar reputation, and he knew that she could be arrested at any time.  He felt humiliation that the ex had become what she was, within a few years of walking out on DH and the children.  But her business and the unreported cash from it was her Achilles heel, and she was petrified at the thought of being questioned about her business in court.  So -- immediate settlement.  If we had known, we would have played that hand 6 months earlier.

Even so... .  DH moved his large items to my house while TDP was in Thailand visiting her family.  A distance of 12,500 miles seemed prudent.

And many, many items just didn't seem important to worry about.  We had digitals of a lot of photos, and he really didn't need furniture because of my house.  I think you just have to look at the big picture and make a judgement call on what's worth fighting over and what is.

[livednlearned]

Do I just let most stuff that doesn't really matter go, and just focus on him being gone instead?  I know it isn't right in principle, but is it worth more harrassment and name calling and crap of this sort?

Focus on taking care of yourself. Do you care about the small fridge? If not, let it go. But keep track in your mind, or tell him out loud, so he knows you are tracking the boundary, even if only symbolically. Because you might want to leverage that for later when he asks for something big. ":)ude, you got the fridge, the this, the that, the xyz stuff, all the this and thats, and that stuff too. None of that was listed. So no, you can't have this."

For a lot of us, the splitting of stuff is very messy and not at all fair, on either sides. It's the "fire" that people refer to, even in low-conflict divorces, when people say they lost it "in the fire."

Also, this process has emotionally and psychologically worn you down. There will be plenty of time to heal and regroup, and think in clear-headed ways about assertiveness and enforcing boundaries. Go easy on yourself. If you don't really care about the stuff, let it go.

I am praying that he really truly leaves by April 15th, and doesn't make me figure out how to do it legally.  He is also to sign the tax refund check, so that I can deposit it.  We are getting a big  refund, and I need it to incorporate into the 65K that I have to pay him.  He has already threatened to not sign if I don't give him back the ring (he also did not ask for/not listed in the agreement).  The settlement does specifically say that he is to sign it.  But again, I may have to have that enforced.

It sounds like he might be motivated to sign it if it counts toward his money, no? But this is BPD, so he may also do whatever he needs to do to stay negatively engaged. If it makes any difference, most wedding rings don't fetch a bazillion. I was shocked how my $$$ high-quality non-blood diamond ring was not even worth selling. I just kept it. Are you attached to it? If so, then make a point now of standing up for it (in your head). If not, hold onto until the last minute, knowing it might create leverage for something else. "You move out by April 15, you can have the ring."

Please keep in touch with me.  Even though I've made this big psychological step, I still have many more to go

I'm glad you're posting often. There are a lot of psychological steps ahead -- it's good that you know that. This site, the members here -- really made a huge difference for me. This stuff isn't for the faint of heart. You've taken the hardest big first step, so be kind to yourself and go easy on the other stuff while you hold things together these next few months.



LnL

[nowheretogo]

LNL,  Your post was like a breath of fresh air, thank you

I am not a "stuff" person, never have been.  I really just don't care.  I want copies of the photos of the kids that he has on DVDs, that's what matters to me.  I just hope he will cooperate with that.  I am not good with computers, and am planning to ask him to make copies.  But, even if I don't get them, it's only a small gap in the lives of my children, and I could live with it.

I took my flutes, one that I grew up learning on and one that is a family heirloom that my great uncle played in a big band, so that I make sure they don't disappear.

I don't want him to touch my diplomas, but since they won't get him any money, I don't think that he will.

I am thinking of putting the ring with the flutes in storage today.  I have still been wearing it to this point so far.  I know that sounds crazy, but I have no safe place to put it in the house and no safety deposit box, and I didn't want him to take it if I took it off.  I am kind of attached to it, in that I really like it.  I kept wearing it because I think it is beautiful, I didn't have anywhere to put it, and I didn't want to advertise to the whole word that I was going through a divorce.  I was thinking of keeping it and maybe passing it to D2 when she is grown.  I guess I could part with it if it helps him to move out/use it as leverage as you say.

I checked in the basement last night, and it seems like most of my stuff is probably still there, so I've decided to let the packed boxes go.

Please, someone, check in with me today if you have time... .  I need my bpdfamily!

[GaGrl]

Getting the valued items out of the house is a good idea.  You'll feel safer that way.

As to the ring, here's a suggestion.  (I get it -- I love pretty stones.)  You might not want to pass a ring from a failed marriage to your D -- some people are superstitious, some are not.  However, what I did after divorce was to have the stone re-set into a pendant and wore it on a nice chain.  That might be something you'd enjoy wearing yourself and also be more comfortable giving to your D some day.

[catnap]

If you still have access, you could take the computer or the DVDs to Best Buy, or someplace similar to have copies made.

If you have baby books/items, you might want to place those in storage also.  During my day, baby books were kept, first lock of hair, hospital bracelets, etc. 

You are doing great!   

[nowheretogo]

For some reason I still care about what he is going to say/do in response to anything that I say or do, but I am really trying to work on this.  In that regard, I think I might go home without the ring on tonight and then withstand whatever bs he has to say about it followed by whatever threats he spews out. 

Talked to L today... .  we are filing the custody action.  I feel like we need to have something legal in place around the time that he moves out because I don't think we are going to agree on what to do otherwise.  He is deadset on 50/50 and I am deadset against it.

thanks for suggestions on the ring and also baby items.

[ForeverDad]

Believe me, I am someone who settled for 50/50 some 5 years ago.  No matter what my ex has done, I only get baby steps from the court.  The 'best' outcomes usually start out with the very best orders we can manage to get.  :)on't be timid about seeking what you feel is proper.

Expect him to say "I'm available since I don't work much... .  "  :)uh, getting the children a lot of the time would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, he would claim "I can't work much becuase I'm watching my child."

[livednlearned]

Believe me, I am someone who settled for 50/50 some 5 years ago.  No matter what my ex has done, I only get baby steps from the court.  The 'best' outcomes usually start out with the very best orders we can manage to get.  :)on't be timid about seeking what you feel is proper.

Expect him to say "I'm available since I don't work much... .  "  :)uh, getting the children a lot of the time would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, he would claim "I can't work much becuase I'm watching my child."

This is important to pay attention to -- FD is right. Ask for what you want and then as your strength builds, you'll find it less daunting to actually tackle it. So fake it til you make it. Pay really close attention to your lawyer and listen to whether or not he or she starts to try and talk you out of your goals. Then come here and we will help you tackel your L 

Lawyers have different agendas than we do. They can still be good lawyers -- or like Matt's experience and many other members -- you can have lawyers who are bad AND have different agendas. Then you come here and we help you figure out how to get a new L.

I did not buckle during my temporary order mediation, but man did they try to wear me down. My L not so much, but the mediator, yes. I am SO glad I didn't because now, as I file for sole legal custody, I have the consistency of what I have wanted all along backing me up. Like FD said, it has been baby steps, but if you do things well and don't have some of the heinous awful court experiences that some members have (I think you and I are lucky we're the moms), things will eventually swing in your favor.

If you have been the primary caregiver as a mom, then the bias is definitely in your favor. Let's hope you have a decent judge. I have one. They are out there.

Cheering section is activated!

[nowheretogo]

I am going to ask for every other weekend and one evening (non overnight) per week.  I already know that he is planning to use the "I am available" excuse, among other things.  I have been the primary caregiver, but for some reason, he disagrees with that, too.  My attorney seems supportive, however... .  even though I said the above was my goal, at the settlement meeting last week, when custody came up, he suggested every other weekend and 2 evenings each week as a possible temporary arrangement.  That did upset me to some extent, because why would I suggest more time for a temporary arrangement than I am planning to ask for permanent?  I don't care if he doesn't think that I won't get that, he should still abide by my wishes.  I am going to be very careful about him trying to manipulate me away from my goals with custody.  Like you said, I'd much rather be working toward 50/50 than trying to work away from it.

In other news, this probably won't surprise any of you, but H started trying to sell me back the items that he was "awarded" at the settlement.  "You can have my car for $6500."  and "You can buy back the bed for $500, and I'll take the other one."  and the last one last night "You can have my car if you'll pay the cell phone and insurance on both vehicles for a year".  All while refusing my requests to move the bed from the basement to the bedroom when he moves and to make copies of the photos on CDs that we have.

[ForeverDad]

Do you know what your county's standard guidelien schedule is?  My county gives more frequent visits to children under 3 years old than for the older children.  It used to be alternate weekends and a couple overnights in between.  A year ago it changed drastically to ONE alternate weekend overnight and a few evenings in between, very unfavorable for the non-primary parent.

My point is that if your county has similar standard schedules, you could agree to a second evening visit every two weeks until the child is 3 years old, then it would change to the typical or usual one evening in between alternate weekends.  In effect, stick to the standard schedule if at all possible.  If you county does have a favorable schedule for the primary parent, then that schedule is your friend, embrace it and try to never let it go.  Yes, he later might lose interest and want the child far less than written on paper, but don't count on it.

Not making the copies for you... .  you won't get cooperation unless he feels it benefits him, so stop trying, it gives him too much leverage and he may try to wheel & deal you some more.  Probably you have a friend who can copy CDs or DVDs.  You could do it yourself, but if you don't have the confidence, then have a friend instruct you, have a friend do it for you or have a store do it for you.  First things first... .  do you have access to those CDs or DVDs?

[nowheretogo]

I guess I don't know the standard guideline schedule.  I will have to ask L.  Maybe that is how he based his suggestion.

Good point on the asking for help/cooperation.  After he said he wouldn't do it, I asked him where they were.  He said if you can't remember where I told you, then that's your problem.  I saw them recently I think, but now that I've asked, he's probably gone and packed it up.  I will try looking for them again this weekend.  Jerk.

[ForeverDad]

I guess I don't know the standard guideline schedule.  I will have to ask L.  Maybe that is how he based his suggestion.

You can telephone your domestic or family court (should be a free call) and ask them if they have a standard or guideline parenting schedule.  If there is one, then you can ask whether it's on their website or how to get a copy.  Then you can see for yourself without having someone (lawyer) provide details piece by piece and only when requested.

My court has it online, though it's not very easy to find.

But I specifically made a point about the child's age.  If your court has a different schedule for children 3 years plus and it's more favorable to you, then make sure that change is included.  Yes' it's only a 'temporary' order, but in our cases those order can last for a year or two and very often morph into final orders - courts are reluctant to change what has been 'working' until then. That's why you need to look ahead and avoid potential problems long before they hane a chance to crush you.  Like a runaway freight train, our courts are often unable to turn on a dime, you need to start turning well in advance.  Look ahead.

In my case, we have a GAL again and a recommendation was made to change parenting time slightly in my favor.  However, in less than two years my son will move into the teen group and the schedule would have him spending less time with the non-primary parent.  GAL's recommendation is silent on that threshhold and did not mention any change then.  If at all possible, I don't want to go back to court in two years for something that should have been addressed now.  That's a problem with non-standard orders, too much that's built into the standard process is cut out, some good, some bad.

[livednlearned]

That did upset me to some extent, because why would I suggest more time for a temporary arrangement than I am planning to ask for permanent?

And *temporary* means *permanent* for many of us. Unless something really wacky happens, and then you have to go back to court to modify it. If your L tries to sell temporary as temporary, you definitely have a loser. Stick to your guns!

Also, there are standard things the courts use to establish who the primary caregiver was. Who takes D to daycare, dentist, doctor, who makes the appt's, who buys her diapers, who puts her to bed at night, who arranges playdates, who feeds her at night, those kind of things. If your H squabbles about the stuff that's hard to prove (because he will), then look back at your calendar to see when D's well-child checks were and who made the appts, who took her, that kind of thing. It's a pain to document, but it will help clear your mind and let you see the real patterns. I use Google calendar to also track the things that are ongoing. I enter things as though they are events, and then when you need to, you can print out a nice "agenda" view that itemizes everything by date.

One of the advantages you have as a non is that you'll have facts to back up your claims, so use them to your advantage. But first you have to have them on hand. And even if you never use them, they'll give you confidence. I came in overprepared, but my confidence in knowing what I knew was so helpful. It's like studying for a test and knowing that you really know the material, even if only 3 questions are asked.

Funny about your ex trying to sell you back stuff! What a tool.

[catnap]

I hope you were able to locate the DVDs. 

www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/index.cfm/resources/divorce-what-you-can-expect-by-state/ This might be helpful in finding the current guidelines in your state. . .they provide the links to the state government sites.  Or, as FD suggested calling the family court to find out where to locate the information.

$500 for the bed he was awarded and he still gets a free bed . . .what a deal!   

[nowheretogo]

I am unable to find the standard guidelines so far, but haven't made any phone calls.

Important update in this arena:  H told me this weekend he is planning to move in temporarily with a friend, J.  J has two kids that he has custody of every other weekend and Tuesday (I think overnights).  H said he hopes we can agree to every other weekend and also Tuesday overnights when he moves, until we have something else.  He says he wants to have her when J has his kids so that she has someone to play with. This is very important, as you say, because it can set a precedent.  I did have my L file a custody suit last week.  Umm, I am really hoping for every other weekend and one evening dinner (NOT overnight).  J also drinks plenty of alcohol from what I tell.  His kids are approximately D11/12 and S6/7.  I know the kids, they are not bad kids.  I just don't think it's a great environment with D2 and two relatively non-involved dads.  I know J's gf, and she has always said J is uninvolved.  H will probably be inclined to let D2 play with kids, and not pay them a whole lot of mind while watching tv and drinking beer with J.  I have always put D2 to bed every night since birth (exception of a couple of nights) and I don't think she's ready for more than every other weekend without mommy. 

Please offer thoughts and suggestions.

[nowheretogo]

Also, I forgot to add that my current schedule for my S7 is every other weekend and every Wed. overnight.  (His father is immature and irresponsible, but not crazy, and does not have anger control issues or drink any alcohol).  On one hand I don't mind them being away on separate weekdays because it affords me with some one on one time with each, but I just don't know about the overnights for D2 (3 in early May)

[nowheretogo]

I did just find an online link to the "Court's standard Order and recommended form of order for settled custody cases", which states the following as the standard:

1. every other weekend Fri-Mon when child is taken to school or daycare

2. one weekday evening until 8 pm, and

3. such additional time as the parents can agree.

[ForeverDad]

Then that's your reasonable maximum for him.  Period.

I still think he wants as much time as possible so he can (1) have an excuse to work as little as possible and (2) to try to get child support from you.  So don't feel sorry for him.

However, one thing to do would be to make sure (probably court would do this anyway) the order matches the children's schedules to the same weekends.  But beware that he may try to get an overnight in between rather than an evening since the other father gets an overnight.  Don't fall for it, stick to the "standard" schedule as the most he gets, at least in a settlement.  Or maybe that could be your final concession to him, letting him get an in between overnight.  Not sure what a judge would decide, there are so many factors.

[nowheretogo]

with my S7, the every other weekend is Fri-Sun, not Mon.  So if I also agreed to that weekend schedule and one night overnight, that would be the same number of overnights as the other dad.  However, I still don't want to agree to more than the weekend overnights yet... .  I just don't believe in my heart that it's the best thing for little D2.

I definitely agree with your second statement, despite H having said "I'm not going to take you for child support" while stating that he is sure that I will do the same to him (I won't, but won't tell him that).

I have yet to tell my attorney of his recent proposal, but I guess now that the suit has been filed, the next step is the custody conciliation meeting.  The question is when will that occur with respect to H actually moving out?  The reason I filed is because I feel like we need some form of a legal agreement when he moves, or he will just force whatever he wants... .  

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer said child support was virtually a right that couldn't be bartered away or promised away, at least in my state.  Post-divorce we settled on alimony only, so my lawyer added language "If ex seeks child support then FD can return to court to have alimony reduced."

Is this the same county?  Perhaps the judge might be willing to have the new order brought closer in line with the current one for your older child.

But be aware that young children (under 3) are usually given more frequent visits with the non-primary parent.  So your logic "she's very young so there shouldn't be in between visits" may be the opposite of the court's inclination to allow more frequent visits for the youngest children.  But as you said, she'll soon be 3 and then the under-3yo issue will be a moot one.

I feel this is something your lawyer should have already given you guidance on.  Are you sticking with this lawyer or will be be pondering using some other lawyer?  What you don't want is a lawyer that meets you inside the court house and at the last moment says, "Oh, by the way, what do you think about... .  "  When dealing with xPD you need to be thinking a few steps ahead so you're not caught off guard and unprepared.  That will happen anyway, but at least your lawyer should try to keep it to the bare minimum of surprises and gotchas.

[nowheretogo]

It is the same county, and by the time the order would go into effect, she will be practically 3.  *Maybe* the same schedule as for S7 would be ok (every other wknd and one weekday overnight), but my gut is telling me no more overnights than necessary.  I am just so worried about his effect on her personality, emotional stability, etc.  Not to mention his constant discussion of the divorce, etc.  He already grills my S7 for news everytime he comes back from his dad's, so I'm sure he will do it to D2 as well.  All of the rules you are not supposed to break with your children as far as respecting the other parent, etc, he freely breaks.  And doesn't care.

I was thinking of keeping L.  He does seem to understand the importance of custody here, and we have talked of the strong possibility of using psych and/or custody evals as well.

[livednlearned]

It is the same county, and by the time the order would go into effect, she will be practically 3.  *Maybe* the same schedule as for S7 would be ok (every other wknd and one weekday overnight), but my gut is telling me no more overnights than necessary.  I am just so worried about his effect on her personality, emotional stability, etc.  Not to mention his constant discussion of the divorce, etc.  He already grills my S7 for news everytime he comes back from his dad's, so I'm sure he will do it to D2 as well.  All of the rules you are not supposed to break with your children as far as respecting the other parent, etc, he freely breaks.  And doesn't care.

I was thinking of keeping L.  He does seem to understand the importance of custody here, and we have talked of the strong possibility of using psych and/or custody evals as well.

If you go into these custody battles knowing that you are headed for high-conflict, you have an advantage. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it is. It's an advantage because there is a high chance you will be dealing with custody issues for a long time, and you know that. BPD makes it that way. By being in a high-conflict r/s like the one you're in, your chances of having this drag through court is high. Either you settle for something crappy now and you go back to modify it later after something really bad happens, which sucks and is super hard and expensive to do, and stay in court that way, or you keep your goals in mind now and stand your ground, and stay in court that way. Standing your ground might feel like losing, but in high-conflict world, you have a strategic advantage.

I'm going to push you a little on the issue of sticking with your L. Do you truly feel that your L has been good? Or are you more worried about confronting L about your concerns? Because this is important. I've been there -- lots of us have. Not wanting to confront my L about things that really bothered me. I was in therapy with a tough therapist while divorcing n/BPDx, and she told me I needed to tell L every thing that made me mad. I did it, and my L responded in a really good way. We have a better r/s, and she knows what my goals are -- I wrote them down for her and told her what I would not settle for.

Push your L to tell you what the plan is. Take notes, lots of them. It's hard to follow it all when you're under so much stress. Have a friend come with you and take notes if you can't. Debrief after you meet with your L to make sure you understand what's happening. This is a freaky time! Are you irritated that your L has not told you the standard guidelines? Tell your L you need more guidance, that you are D2's advocate and you want to know everything you can.

It's tough in the beginning, but it will get easier. You're doing really well -- having doubts about the arrangement H proposed, for really good reasons. Your instincts are excellent and you know what is best for D2. That's huge. Let that stuff guide you! 

[nowheretogo]

Thanks for the push, lnl.  I think L has been good, but has done a couple of things that have irritated me/I don't understand, and sometimes feels a bit less assertive than I think he ought to be.  This may be attributable more to me not speaking my mind as much as I should, as you have said.  My non confrontational style of communicating is probably by biggest downfall. 

I am planning to let him know that I was unhappy that he proposed a possible temporary schedule on March 1st, which he did NOT run by me first and did NOT match what I had said my goal was.  (My T has the same L for her custody case, btw, and says she happens to know some other families that have him and that have the exact same schedule that he proposed that day--every other weekend and two weekday evenings/wk--so maybe that's just his standard).  Don't just throw your standard out there because it's work for Dick and Jane.  H is a bird of his own feather!  I am also unhappy that he promised to me that he would take care of getting H to give me copies of the photos that day, but I am pretty sure he completely neglected that as well.  I also feel like his plans are often not concrete enough for me to grasp... .  maybe they are in his head, and he's not communicating it well enough, I'm not sure.  But I need to discuss that as well.

H was quiet last night, which means the storm will likely be here tonight, and that's always scary.

[nowheretogo]

Well, the storm came last night.  H started going off at first S7 when I came home with him (he made the mistake of asking me to turn the oven light on so he could see what H was cooking for dinner) and then me while we were eating dinner.  I finally said, "I'm about to call somebody if you don't stop".  He was like go ahead, I'm not playing your games or dealing with your threats anymore, I'm going to make a call of my own.  Then he walked out of the house with his phone.  While he was out I called and left a VM with L and then called 911.  A cop came and talked to me and then H, and then said this is a r/s issue, not a police matter, work it out amongst yourselves.  So, I kind of feel like an idiot for calling, but I am so sick and tired of listening to the constant bs that streams out of his mouth, and always in front of the kids!  I don't know, at least he could again see that I am NOT playing games. I said I was going to call, and I did.  Just like I said I wanted a divorce (he thought it was a game), and I did that too.  Move out date is by April 15th.  Later last night he told me he would have to pay a year's rent up front to get an apt. (no job), and he needs $760 more.  He said if I would pay that, on top of the remainder of the settlement I owe him (which is a huge chunk of change), then he would be happy to move out by next week.  NO WAY!  I am not giving him another red cent!  There must be a way for him to plan the date he wants to move and for me to be able to give him the settlement that day, but not before (that is what the settlement says, it is payable WHEN he moves).  I am hoping for more quiet this weekend after last night, but I also just filed a custody suit, so the feathers are going to be ruffled again.  Please offer support and suggestions as you always do so well!

[livednlearned]

How did H handled the police visit? Did he calm down afterwards, and was he on good behavior when the cop was there? You know what's really awesome about the fact you stood up to H and called the police? Your S7 saw you stand up to a bully. My T would have given you a big high five for that 

Have you told S7 what's happening, and to be aware that the next month is going to be hard with H in the house? Can you tell him that you expect it might be harder than usual, but you are planning on doing x and y and z if H does a and b and c? Maybe let him know that you are aware of the stress and have a plan for how you are going to deal with it? That might make him feel much more safe even though there is a lot of wacky tension in the house.

About your L -- a lot of them do have standard guidelines that they are following, and EOW + 1 is common, but is that true for toddlers in your state? In my case, my L arranged it so that S11 did not spend Sunday night with N/BPDxh. That was a big win. I tried to eliminate the +1 evening overnight, but that was harder to fight for because it was a pretty short night -- N/BPDx got home at 6pm. And a lot of Ls don't explain much because they know it costs us a lot of money. The point is to make sure they work for you, and if you are assertive with them consistently, they will behave in different ways, like not assuming they know what is best for you. Not being assertive has been the downfall for lots of nons   You're not alone there!

[catnap]

   You did one of the best things you could have done. . .you showed him you will not hesitate to call the police.  I hope the rest of the weekend was uneventful for you and the kids. 

[AnotherPhoenix]

Hello NoWhereToGo,

Here is a ton of support from me! 

I second what the others have posted.

Bravo for you for calling the police! As ForeverDad said, you showed your son how to be assertive and how to stand up to a bully when you called the police.

As for working with a lawyer, I second what everybody has been posting about them. You need to be assertive with them, also. Make sure you know their plans for your case. Don't let them agree to anything without your approval, and don't let them push you into anything that you don't think is good for your or your children. They are used to working with normal people, and most don't know how to handle cases involving BPDs/NPDs. You will probably have to educate your lawyer about dealing with your soon-to-be ex.

You can do it!

AnotherPheonix   

[nowheretogo]

omg, it feels so good to be congratulated on my move to call the police, when the police made me feel bad about it.  I am glad that I at least made the point that I am not joking around.  He was well-behaved when they came and afterwards, trying to smooth it over with me and S7, kind of apologizing and trying to explain why he blew up. He did feel a bit justified, however, saying to me that "See, a third party has now told you not to involve third parties in your r/s issues.  Maybe now you'll believe me"  Whatev.   He had no major events Fri, Sat, or Sun.  So I think it helped.  However, he did continue with "crazy", still asking me to buy him a house so that he can start a "sober house" (he is currently helping to manage one, which is sort of funny given that he drinks too much) and being upset with me for saying no.

I have explained to S7, but I think H continues his distortion campaign against me, and S7 seems upset with me that ":)addy" is going to have to leave, we are going to sell the camper, he won't be able to play video games with H and I"m not really a gamer, etc.  I think he will change his attitude when he actually sees and feels how much happier and calmer our house is without Daddy there. 

In other news, I have been told the decree was sent, so the divorce is now official. 

I have filed the custody complaint, and am sure this will be H's next big trigger for raging.

[nowheretogo]

How should I be acting towards H while he still lives in our home?  I haven't really changed anything yet.  And, you will all probably be disappointed, be we went grocery shopping as a family again on Sunday, as we have for the most part all along.

He is supposed to be moved out by 4/15 according to the settlement agreement.  My parents said they can come down that weekend before the 15th.  It makes me nervous to have to tell him that they would be coming, but I am guessing that you all think it's a good idea for them to be there?

[livednlearned]

How should I be acting towards H while he still lives in our home?  I haven't really changed anything yet.  And, you will all probably be disappointed, be we went grocery shopping as a family again on Sunday, as we have for the most part all along.

He is supposed to be moved out by 4/15 according to the settlement agreement.  My parents said they can come down that weekend before the 15th.  It makes me nervous to have to tell him that they would be coming, but I am guessing that you all think it's a good idea for them to be there?

Honestly, your situation is crazy, having to live with him at this point. So be gentle with yourself -- it will take a while to heal, and you've taken a huge step. If you do things that are irrational and maybe not in your overall interest, well, that's just how it is right now. You took the biggest step, so let yourself indulge in some weird things like grocery shopping together. But stop when he is out of the house   

How you should be acting toward him right now? Whatever you think will minimize the abuse and stress. Other than sleeping with him. Maybe don't do that. Be there as little as you can? Treat him like a guest who is leaving soon, and you are delighted he's leaving? I don't know what I would do. Probably have dinner out as much as possible and maybe have people over if it made sense, so I could have emotional support. But it's BPD we're talking about and honestly, mine was such a rager that nothing would have made it better. So just do what you need to do for your own piece of mind. Don't worry about whether you're doing it right.

And about the cops making you feel bad. Middle finger to them. They see domestic disputes all the time and they are weary about it. Doesn't mean that you did the wrong thing, it just means that they know there isn't much they can do. And I think you rattled your H, so congratulations again. You stood up to a bully and that's what matters. Everyone else can go to h@ll. 

And yes, have your parents come. You need support, and it will be emotional, and it always helps to have other people there who can support you. At the very least, someone to watch the kids so they don't witness anything.