trying to make sense of it all

[benny2]

So its my  understanding that a pwBPD will devaluate you if they fear you are going to leave?

[tuum est61]

Diane,

There's a cycle and a number of things associated with leaving a pwBPD - either due to conflict or just for work/family - driven by a fear of abandonment - which can be very confusing. To some, it's because they feel its inevitable that you will leave - even if you aren't leaving.

If you announce you are leaving or as you are leaving, yes, there will be typically be a full on  strong devaluation - often with very emotional behavior described as an "extinction burst" in which you will find out just how terrible you are.  This "push away" event will be followed at some point by a "pull event" - also very emotional - trying to get you back - but don't hold your breath for the pull event - it may take quite awhile - they may not "call you."  

I also experience strong devaluation with my uBPDw every time I leave on a business trip or visit my family - lots of validation of her feelings enables us to survive. Headed back home after experiencing the full brunt of her feelings this weekend.

[benny2]

Well it would kind of explain alot. When I was living with him, I suspected he was cheating with his ex. When I comfronted him of course there was a huge blowout, on his behalf. I remained calm. Acually I was shocked. I had never seen him act like this. Just like a teenager that could not get his way. Anyways, I did tell him I was getting out. It seemed after that things just escalated. It was before I knew about all this. Maybe I made things worse by constantly telling him I was going to leave.

[LetItBe]

Yes, when I was threatening to end our r/s, he broke up with me instead.