Sad Birthdays

[pessim-optimist]

Just feeling sad today... .    :'(

Today is the big day for our little gs12, I guess he's not so little any more. Time flies! His mom changed the phone numbers a while back, and when they moved for the gazillionth time again, she did not give us the address. So, we just sent an e-mail B-day wish to his parents' addresses. It will likely just get deleted. From his to keep peace, and from her's, well, because she's in her own head-space for now.

I decided to post this to get my feelings out. I'm feeling really sad, and hopeless, but also angry... .  (By the way, is there an emoticon for "angry" here?) Maybe I'm feeling some other feelings too, but don't know it. I was never in touch with my feelings, so it's hard to recognize them. Just started on this journey last year, haven't gotten too far yet... .  

Birthdays are not supposed to be this way!

Last week was my hubby's, we were both sick, but happy together as usual. The damper was, that neither of his daughters called to wish him a happy day. Still no news on why his non-d is nc. We suspect her pwBPD sister cooked something up, or something has happened to her and nobody is letting us know. Or we just don't know, which is hard to stand... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sunshineplease]

That is sad, indeed, pessim-optimist. Birthdays can be such great opportunities for sharing affection, and it must be so frustrating not to have been able to show your love with a birthday message or gift. I appreciated how you didn't judge your daughter, but accepted that she's in her own head space right now. And I hear you on the feelings. Sometimes there are so many it's crazy! I just read something that helped simplify it for me: The four major categories of feelings are mad, sad, glad, and afraid. If I'm overwhelmed now I just go with one or more of those! What's strange is how often I'm feeling mad AND sad, or glad and sad and afraid. Weird combinations.

I'm glad to hear you and your husband could have a happy celebration of his birthday, even with illness and even without hearing from his daughters. I like that you are finding happiness where you can.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for your support sunshine,   

Just read your post on validataing. I love it!

Also have read several other posts, and feel like a whiner for complaining about being sad when nothing major has happened or no major crisis is up. But that is exactly the "you shouldn't feel this way" in me that I'm trying to un-learn.

Wouldn't want to pendulum swing in the other extreme though... .  

[jellibeans]

Don't apologize for feeling sad... .  we all feel sad at times but I would like to see you do something for yourself... .  I am taking this DBT class for parents and the T suggested making a Happy bag... .  fill it with a movie you really like... .  maybe some bath salts... .  maybe a photo of your daughter when she was little... .  things that will put a smile on your face... .  a survival kit... .  don't you know we all need this! big hug to you... .   I hope you feel better soon.

[Being Mindful]

Thank you for your support sunshine,  

Just read your post on validataing. I love it!

Also have read several other posts, and feel like a whiner for complaining about being sad when nothing major has happened or no major crisis is up. But that is exactly the "you shouldn't feel this way" in me that I'm trying to un-learn.

Wouldn't want to pendulum swing in the other extreme though... .  

Dear pessim-optimist,

Thank you for sharing with us. Of course you feel sad, I hear you and I meet you right where you are at. There is loss and grieving and there is no measurement of what is greater or lesser around here. It all hurts.

A big   to you.

Being Mindful

[StrugglingMom76]

I am so sorry for your sadness on your gs birthday. My daughters was on the 9th and it was full of every emotion but happiness  I decided that birthdays should be celebrated by the birth GIVER not that given birth too. I told my mom I should be celebrating the fact I have survived dealing with this huge mess. She is sitting in a Psychiatric because in her words to the hospital " I wanted to kill myself and stab my mom and I feel no remorse because I want my way" yet she is trying to make me feel bad she is there. Will she ever realize all of these events were due to her actions... .  Please do not answer that my heart does not want to know the answer   My heart aches that I know I cannot help her and no one else wants to.  Sorry did not mean to go on a tangent on my issues... .  Just wanted you to know that I know the mixed emotion feeling.   

[sunshineplease]

pessim-optimist -- I  suffer from the same outlook... .  don't want to whine, feel guilty for putting people through my down times. I'm working to accept that there are people who ARE willing to listen empathetically while I unload, like the folks here! But also I'm trying to let myself be sad and scared. It's hard, but does pay off when I can make the time and space to do it.

jellibeans -- love the happy kit idea! Thanks.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you everyone for your support.

It really makes one feel better to be understood and empathized with. I guess that's what validating our pwBPDs is all about as well, after all.

I do feel better today, LOVED the idea of the happy kit! I put a list of things that make me happy on a piece of paper last year (enjoying the outdoors - I have always loved the sunsets, exercise, and listening to soothing music) and made a resolution to do those things more often, since they just about disappeared from my life over time care-taking our usd32 for the last 10 years, and now obsessing about BPD... .  The list got put away and was slowly fading into history. I just took it out again, and YES! It does make life feel all better. 

Sunshine, thank you for being gracious, but I find out that I actually AM judging our step-daughter, at least today. Then I get angry and then it is easier to detach... .  Weird mechanism. I mean I love her and all the people involved, but at times I wish she was never in the picture and that makes me feel guilty... .  And then I see the pain in my husband's life and get angry all over again... .  From time to time I just want it all to go away, but, yep, you guessed it, it is going noowheeere   .

So, if anger is a sign that something needs to change, what can I change here? I think I know the answer to that question too, I just don't like it: change myself and my responses to situations... .  The thing I don't like about the answer is that it does not promise that the painful feelings or problems will go away, and THAT'S what I ultimately want!

Being an adult, I know I can't always have what I want. In the past I just "dealt with it" by ignoring my feelings and dutifully plodding on, which builds frustration and anger, which I would vent here and there in talks with my hubby (bless his heart! I mean how did HE deal with his own pain AND still patiently listened to my rants about his baby girl  , who wasn't living up to his hopes  )?

Trying to make sense of it all, and find some kind of logical solution, some kind of action plan, of do: a, b, c, etc and the result will be e, f, g. But feelings are confusing, they are not timely, and don't always respond to logic, so I feel like I'm swimming in the dark without a map. Trying to learn to deal with feelings in a healthier way than I did in the past, but right now, I'm a little lost, just feeling a little disconcerted... .  

Have you guys gone through a similar journey?

[vivekananda]

yep.

But it passes too. And we move on. And we grow more as we learn more. And then you get to the weird place of being better able to accept everything and feel some sort of happiness... .  and doesn't that feel strange?

Your added complication is for a child who is vulnerable and which you are powerless to help. That requires a special sort of acceptance.

Me, I just have a dd32 who told me to get out of her life today... .  I haven't been in it. No hurt, no frustration, no anger - all wasted energy. I think I have to let go completely. At least I know she is alive.

thinking of you pessi-oh,

Vivek