Feeling discouraged... always seems like lose/lose

[sanemom]

The GAL FINALLY wrote up the recommendation for counseling between DSD and her current counselor.  The problem is we don't trust her current counselor--she already seems biased against DH.  BM has been filling the counselor's head with all kinds of lies, I am sure, for months and months.  Oh yeah--and that counselor is not on our insurance either.

I am afraid if we go in front of the judge to contest it, we will look petty or something.

I feel like every tiny misstep we take gets magnified ten times while she gets away with everything.

Example of lose/lose:  We filed this termination of child support suit because BPD mom wanted $1500/month (despite the fact she didn't pay CS to DH when he raised all three kids on his own and still refuses to pay medical for the boys), and if we paid her that, we could not keep the boys in their activities.  So letting her get the CS would have been lose for us.  But blocking it is lose for us, too, because now DSD and DH's relationship is further messed up thanks to BPD mom doing everything she can to use DSD as a weapon, and she is making it look like, to her friends and family, that DH is a cold hearted narcissistic evil man.  Six more years... .  

Don't worry--I will get over this feeling soon... .  just discouraged now.

[DreamGirl]

 

What a pain.

Do you think that since it's ordered now, that the counselor will be more open?

Just for an objective viewpoint, I can maybe see why the court would want to keep it to the one counselor. It perhaps could lessen the amount of opinions involved.

For me, I wouldn't contest it. I'd show the counselor just how cooperative I really am. I'd go into it with an open heart and open mind.

Perhaps that's my own narcissism - thinking everybody will like me given the chance. 

~DreamGirl

[sanemom]

DG,

Have you had any personal experience being able to change a counselor's viewpoint after they are biased?

Just wondering... .  

[DreamGirl]

DG,

Have you had any personal experience being able to change a counselor's viewpoint after they are biased?

Just wondering... .  

Depends on how you look at it.  

I hated my marriage counselor - mostly because she really liked my husband and I felt that it was affecting her effectiveness to counsel us as a couple. I'm pretty sure I even judged her being [slightly] overweight as a reason to her not really having the ability to help my broken marriage. I mean, who was she to tell me that I was contributing to the demise of my marriage by not practicing self-care?

I wanted to quit going to her because of this grand assessment of mine. I felt she was "against" me - because mostly she was. I suffered my own self-righteous, black and white thinking. She was telling me things (agreeing with my husband) about myself that I didn't think were true (that I isolated myself, that I was condescending, that I was high maintenance emotionally) and so I just knew she was a bad therapist.

It couldn't possibly be me.    

But then I posted here - seeking validation for wanting to stop my marriage counseling - and a wise, wise soul told me to knock it off. Stop fighting her so much and (in a kind way) told me to stop being the victim.

So I did.

Sure, I pouted at the invalidation at first... .  but then I valued so much the person advising me, that I started listening to my marriage counselor.

Which in turn, probably saved my marriage. I don't know that I changed her viewpoint so much as I changed my own.

I'm not saying that all counselors are perfect (I know you know that). I'm not saying that you shouldn't find the right fit for your DH and his daughter. I also know that you'll get a lot of validation here about other counselors who "buy in" to the pwBPD and to fight the good fight.  I'm sure others will talk about their own counselors who won't listen to their own versions of what's really going on. It's OK not to be open to it too.  

It's certainly up to you.  

~DreamGirl

 

[hell0kitty]

What if you super simplified and just asked that you get a counselor that is covered by your insurance and give a short lists of possibilities to choose from.  That way it would seem like they were making the choice and you were just making a suggestion that makes the most fiscal sense.

[tog]

Well, we know a thing or two about biased counselors. We've given up on trying to change the opinion of SS13's therapist, she's in some kind of shared delusion with stbxw.

I'd request a neutral one if I were you. There's no reason it should be DSD's current one.  And I agree, the pwBPD get away with lots and the nons seem to get held to a different standard.

I have no real faith in or use for the family law system anymore, quite frankly.

[hell0kitty]

I have to agree with Tog.  If the motion we are filing today doesn't go our way, I've pretty much lost all faith in the Family Law System as well.  :'( $300 and 2 days of lost work wages just so a little girl can attend a ballet recital. But if we win this small victory, I know it will lift my BFs and his daughters spirits so much.  That is why we've decided it was worth it to try for this victory. After all we've been through over the last few years, it would be so wonderful to have one thing go our way.

[sanemom]

Talked with our lawyer today--he does not think we should keep this counselor either and is prepared to fight.  See... .  BPD mom did not follow the decree and found a counselor not on our insurance (decree says to use insurance if possible) so she could hide the information from DH (he would get the EOBs).  We had to be sneaky to find out who this counselor was, who, according to BPD mom's court paperwork has told BPD mom that my DH has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (sight unseen).  Once we found out who she was, DH got an appointment with her, but by then, she had been talking with DSD and BPD mom for 4 months.

Of course, BPD mom is filing an injunction against counseling anyway... .  wonder how she is going to argue that DH and DSD do not need counseling in front of a judge after both the GAL and DSD's counselor is recommending it.