About three weeks into a living hell.

[Spinning1227]

And I'm about a week new to this website. I've read countless posts, articles and books and I have no doubt that my wife is a pwBPD.  The article on how the relationship develops was particularly revealing, it was like I was reading a recap of our life.  She's not diagnosed at this point and I wonder if her T even suspects. She's not had one single significant person in her life that she has not had a major falling out with. And in her opinion, it's always the other person's fault. She holds others to extreme standards and it seems, the closer the person the higher the standard. I've been "the most compassionate, understanding, loving, and patient person" (her words) in her life. And I've also been the most controlling, manipulative, and damaging person in her life. That's who I am right now.

My wife has had a rough life. She was the victim of childhood sexual abuse, told me she was raped when she was a teenager. She grew up with a father that was emotionally and verbally abusive (he may even be a pwBPD himself). Part of my acceptance of so much bad behavior was because I felt true compassion for her and what she went through.

About three weeks ago I found out she was having an affair. She is having an affair with a 28 year old "recovering" heroin addict (I use quotes because I know they drink together and I don't think alcohol mixes well with recovery from an opiate addiction). He's 7 years younger than her. He lives in his best friends parents basement. He's on probation for something. He has no good job, no stability, no future. Yet she's completely and utterly infatuated with him, perhaps obsessed is the right word.

My wife has picked up and left, not only me, but our three children several times over the last couple of weeks. Two of our children are severely handicapped. And our son who is 7 is a healthy happy pretty well-adjusted boy. A testament to his character given the volatility of living with a mom with BPD. What do you tell a 7 year old when he asks you why mommy didn't come home? I make a good living and our financial prospect and the subsequent stability of our family looked really good if only we had some emotional stability.

I can't imagine how our marriage could survive the most recent pain and damage she's inflicted. But I can't support two households and I will not leave my children. My wife says she doesn't want to be married anymore, she's also said this in the past but has never followed through. We just have very unique schedules, unique demands of having special needs children; so a split household doesn't make much practical sense. This is a point I've tried to explain in the past to little avail.

I took my kids to my parents for the weekend and when I got back home we ended up arguing. At the end of the argument I ended up telling her that for the first time since I met her, I have no love left for her. I then left for work. I work nights.

The next morning when I got home she was already gone. She's in school for nursing and her mom (who has really taken my side in all this despite my urging her to remain emotionally available to her daughter) takes care of the kids on Monday mornings until I get home.

My wife then sent me the following text message while on the way to go see her boyfriend:

"Nothing I say at this point that would make a difference about how you feel about me and/or my actions. When last night you said you didn't love me anymore I felt released from this pressure of you doing that forever and then I felt sad that I was lucky enough to have someone that was capable of doing that. I don't know why I'm choosing to hurt you the way I am, my cowardly way of getting out. But in sorry I did hurt you like that, to that level. I just wanted to say that, I know you don't care"

Those were her exact words. What was the purpose of that message. Bookended by statements about me not caring... .  I know I'm hurting you really bad, don't know why, and I'm on my way right now to go do it some more, but I won't admit that... .  Just my cowardly way of leaving... .  I'm relieved that you won't love me forever, but then I was sad that I lost someone that could love me forever?

I never responded. I had no idea what to say. Was she trying to manipulate me? It sounded somewhat remorseful, yet her actions and demeanor show no remorse. Is she trying to keep me emotionally invested? Should I have responded to the text? What should I have said? Does this ever get easier?

When she finally got home things continued to be ugly, but I decided there would be no argument. I already feel like I've posted a novel so I'll save that for another time, I'm really too drained to write more at this time.

[hithere]

Tough situation, I am sorry for you and the kids.

My take on what she said is that she is blaming you and she wants to leave for good and your saying you don't love her has allowed her to do this guilt free (in her mind).

Have two severely disabled children can put a strain on the best relationships.  I can't imagine my ex with BPD being able to handle even one disabled child.

Document her behaviour in case you need it in court at some point in the future, keep a journal, take video and pictures if possible.

good luck

[Spinning1227]

Thanks for responding. I suppose that's true and everything she does indicates that, but why bother sending me that message? And the bigger question is, why do I care. I think I still harbor some hope that one of these days she's going to snap out of it. She's gonna realize how irrational she's acting, everything she's throwing away, the damage and chaos she's causing her family. She has seemed to "snap out" of it in previous situations we've been in and even displayed some insight and genuine remorse. That was later replaced with things like "why do I always have to be the one working on myself" etc... .  

I'm not even sure why I want her to snap out of it. I can't imagine ever trying to save our marriage even if she decided she wanted to try. I'm disgusted by her and her behavior right now. I know I need to improve the relationship for our children's sake I know divorce will put a financial and further emotional strain on all of us; so that could be part of my desire to see her "snap out of it." 

It just seems like there's more to it. Like her coming to her senses will satisfy some need in me. Maybe I think it could put me back in that role of caretaker, even if this time the caretaker doesn't want to save the marriage in the process?  Maybe deep down somewhere I do want another chance to save the marriage? If that's the case I'm more pathetic than I realized!

[hithere]

I think I still harbor some hope that one of these days she's going to snap out of it. She's gonna realize how irrational she's acting, everything she's throwing away, the damage and chaos she's causing her family. She has seemed to "snap out" of it in previous situations

This is how I felt and how thousands of people posting on these boards have felt.  It comes from being normal, we will never understand how a person with BPD thinks because they experience life in a different reality.

It is not pathetic to want those things, it is normal!  But read around the boards some more, there are people that sacrifice their whole lives for someone with BPD and end up in misery.  Coming from a divorced family is tough for everyone, but living with the crazy making of BPD can be more harmful in my opinion.

[Suzn]

Hello Spinning1227

Welcome to bpdfamily.com my friend. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this with your wife.    I can hear how painful this is for you. You're right it's hard to know what to say to a 7 year old. He is lucky to have you.

Regarding her text, BPD is centered around a fear of abandonment. When she heard, for the first time as you say, "I don't love you anymore" it most likely triggered that fear in her. Stress is a big BPD trigger by itself, I can imagine how stressful 2 special needs children are, not to mention a healthy 7 year old, for someone with no abnormal emotional issues. Having an affair could likely be her maladaptive way of coping. This is in no way excusing this behavior.

I think you care whether this works out or not because you love this person as the mother of your children if nothing else. To the right of these posts is a set of lessons, these will serve you well in finding your path through your situation.

There are lots of marriages where people live in misery Spinning, this is true for many reasons, this isn't always an absolute result in a marriage with a pwBPD. It is true you will read some posts where someone is upset and venting. What you will also read in some posts is how members work on learning new communication skills (necessary skills for dealing with a person with BPD because their reality can be different from ours) and learning about new coping skills for themselves and how things have gotten much better. For even whilst one is in a relationship with a pwBPD and dealing with dysfunctional behaviors, it is emotionally immature and unhealthy to place total and complete blame on one partner in a dysfunctional relationship. It takes two to tango.  

[Spinning1227]

Thanks Suzn,

It has been painful. And I have been exploring the resources and trying to make changes but its difficult. I never know what's gonna happen next. Apparently she thinks she's in live now. I have no doubt that whatever she's getting from this person, it's probably he only thing that gives her any relief from her pain. But I just can't take it anymore. I am at the point now that when I'm home I'd rather she not be. And when she is home she either acts like everything is wonderful in her world or she acts like how dare I even be in her presence. She looks at me like I'm a POS. I'm not the one that had the affair.

And I don't blame the failure of our relationship on her. I recognize my faults or at least that I have them. I intend to work on myself in therapy to better understand some of the choices of made throughout my life. But I will not accept accept any responsibility for the affair and abandonment of her children. And she thinks because she left them in the capable hands of their father and because she comes home a day or two later, it's not abandonment. I disagree.

I'm just tired and lonely and sad and really feel trapped In this situation.