having read the Valerie Porr book...

[Kate4queen]

I enjoyed reading this book and found it very eye opening about the reasons for our BPD person's behaviors. It helped me understand why my son does certain things and how we, as a family can unconsciously provoke those reactions.

But here's my issue with it. I felt like the entire emphasis was on Me changing rather than any expectation that my son with BPD should have to do some of the work. Why should I have to constantly monitor everything I say and constantly ask my BPD son if what I'm saying is acceptable to him and if not, why not? I'm tired of doing that, of living in fear, of being afraid to speak because nothing I say is right. My son is incredibly smart, words are his weapon of choice. it felt like all the emphasis for making things better was being put back on me and my family who are, imo, just as much victims of this condition as my son.

I feel as a parent that I've bent over backward and tried every single technique mentioned in that book and quite frankly, I'm exhausted by the effort, physically scared of my son and totally unable to look him in the face and have a reasonable discussion about anything at the moment.

I accept who he is, I accept that I can't change him or fix him. I give him what he asks for-which is money on a regular basis and don't ask him to account for what he does with it. I answer his emails-which only come when he wants something from us. I don't get into the emotional crap, or regurgitate the past, or try and make him feel guilty. I just calmly say I'm glad he's doing well and answer his questions, putting the emphasis back on him to solve the problems rather than us doing it for him and then being crucified for doing so.

Isn't that enough?

He chose to leave our home and live somewhere else. He chose quite deliberately to do that in the most damaging and hurtful way he could. I can't just pretend everything will ever be the same again as he would like, but I'm not using my hurt against him. I keep that for my therapist I still love him but I can't give anymore, which I suppose in Porr's book makes me the bad person again.

If he made an effort to understand his issues and worked with us to make things better, I can see myself trying again but if there is no recognition of anything but his pain and suffering and our culpability, how can we even attempt this process? Surely Porr's whole book should start there-where both parties are willing to try?

I don't say this with anger, I think I'm beyond that, I'm just wondering how others deal with this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

I was just talking with my counselor about this very subject.  I also had some problems with Porr's book.  I learned a lot from reading it, but a lot of it seemed dedicated to finding a more effective way to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.  I think the book is focusing only on having a relationship with your BPD person and not the quality of that relationship.

Sounds to me like you are doing great and the best you can with your son.  You are not solving his problems.  You are there for him as much as you can be.  At some point, these people BPD or not, have to make a decision whether they want a good relationship with their families.

[sunshineplease]

I believe you are right, Kate4Queen, that behavior changes on our part can only go so far toward helping to heal our children. I get the distinct sense that Valerie Porr believes educated parents are the best and fastest resource for a pwBPD to re-visit or repair missed or broken developmental milestones. While this may be true, some of our children are not ready for that kind of "therapizing," or cannot accept it from us, or sense that our efforts haven't yet readied us to do the work at hand. And most of Porr's examples suggest she's imagining we are all in close contact with our children, which many of us are not.

What I took away from Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder is that there are things I can do to help facilitate healing, but that without a certain level of physical proximity (i.e., the pwBPD is living with me), trust (i.e., she still comes to me on occasion with her concerns), and/or self-awareness (i.e., she's making a real effort at DBT), it could take a lot of Acceptance-Knowledge Declarations, validation, mindful questioning, and self-work on my part before my child saw the difference in ME that would help her to reframe our relationship.  

[Being Mindful]

Dear Kate4queen,

I get what you mean and here is how I look at it... .  

Poor's book is written for what we can do, not for what our BPD kids can do. There are other resources, skills, tools etc. for them to draw from to improve in every aspect of their lives. I think it takes a total effort between us parents and our kids for them to improve. Thus, if you look at her book that it was written as a resource for us, not them, it makes sense.  When I read it, my d was in therapy, doing DBT etc. I try to view it as it is going to take all of us, including her to better her health for herself. Just like if she had a physical illness, everyone would have a different role in her care, in her treatment etc. Thinking in terms of comparing it to a physical illness has helped me with perspective. The only difference I add in is that her bad behavior, physical or verbal abuse, whatever is hurtful and/or destructive has consequences that she has to endure.

Also, I found that even though she was in therapy, she wasn't really putting in the effort I thought she could or maybe hoped she would do more. Eventually, she quit and was terminated but I still continue on with my efforts because I find she does improve with using the skills we have learned.

I also understand how you feel that you have bent over backwards and have given and tried, given and tried over and over. The hurt has set in too. I found that I had to work through my anger, enforce my boundaries, and use validation. Working with a therapist too helped me to grieve. All this has helped me to Radical Acceptance... .  I'm not sure I'm completely there but working hard.  I also was then able to add in validation, SET etc. etc. etc.

I so recognize me in your post about 1 1/2 years ago. Frustration, anger, hurt, exhausted, totally pissed off at her and multiple therapy teams; wanting to scream at her to STOP and wanting to get her out of my life. The good news is that now my daughter is doing much better, and things started to turn for the better when we changed ourselves and stopped making things worse. She didn't ask for this nasty illness. After all the years of trying to fix her, which doesn't work; I had to look at myself and change myself because she is ill, because she doesn't deserve this, because I can and I have the ability. I hope one day she can fully look at herself and discover that she has the ability to be well. In the mean time, we have a good relationship and for that I am grateful. Once again, I can see all her wonderful gifts and also see her in a new way... .  sort of a butterfly that flits around and in a sense has a beautiful outlook on the world that is inspiring. It's very different indeed, but still beautiful.

Now, it isn't all rosy. There are many times I have to protect myself from her. She still blames and sometimes starts to verbally abuse me. She is still making poor choices for herself, but the destructive ones are diminishing. She barely gets by, none the less it is a huge improvement from where she was at.

Okay, well now I am rambling. I guess what I am really trying to say, is that through us working on ourselves, we came to a much better place for ourselves, and we see improvement with her.

It is really tough stuff to deal with. Keep working with it though. There is hope.

Being Mindful

[sunshineplease]

I had to look at myself and change myself because she is ill, because she doesn't deserve this, because I can and I have the ability. I hope one day she can fully look at herself and discover that she has the ability to be well.

I'm going to print this out, Being Mindful! It's such a simple, pure way to explain why I'm working so hard on me!

[Vivgood]

Porr writes/speaks from the POV of working through her BPD, not from the POV of being recovered. At least not in Buddha, I don't know of any more recent works. If/when she IS recovered and no longer has the feelings and reactions of BPD, then she'll be in a better position to address that. Part of genuine recovery is "owning your disease". Acknowledging all of your actions regardless of whether you were BPD, drunk, mad, on the pipe, whatever, and making sincere apologies and amends when to do so would not further injure the other person, and w/o expectation of reciprocation or reconciliation. In Buddha, she isn't there (yet).

I did not find the book helpful (I already know what BPD feels like thanks so much), but I know many  are able to begin feeling some understanding of BPD on the inside because Porr's writing style is accessible and entertaining. She is apparently also an engaging and vibrant public speaker, which allows her to get an important message across to the public.

With DD, while she may occasionally "blame", its not often, and when its unjustified she generally cops to it later. It is empowering to do so, and I think she understands that more and more as she matures.

vivgood