Directed Reflection

[momontherun]

Here is an article I found for counselors and therapists helping clients using "directed reflection"... .  basically a broader range of validation focusing on self-worth and character for their inner strength to develop - I think. I found the 3 step (minimum) and 5 step (maximum) response sequences using components of character really interesting ... .  

www.counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas04/24.pdf

perhaps this could be a beneficial strategy to use supplementing the emotional validation ? What do ya'll think?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Thank you for this link... .  I just scanned it but it looks to be very interesting... .  thank you for sharing

[griz]

mom:

I really like this alot.  I am trying really hard in my life to change the way I interact with people, not just DD.  My gut reaction has not been validation or reflection but more of fixing or making the uncomfortable emotions go away.  Comments like, "you'll get over it", "it's not such a big deal", "these things happen to everyone" and etc. are certainly not validating in anyway.  I am committed to changing my behaviors with everyone around me.

Thanks so much for this article.  I printed it out.

Griz

[momontherun]

You ladies are most welcome. I found it while researching self validation to discuss it during family T in hopes dd15 can start learning to give herself permission for more positive things instead of just the negative. I thought it was kinda weird it would be in such a search but very curious. 

Griz, I was getting stuck in that too wanting to fix it all well until I started putting the responsibility where it belongs which is a constant battle for me but getting easier.

Invalidation is so easy and for most very much needed as a self check so the ego doesn't get over inflated and/or as a tool to see our own obstacles to overcome so it really can be quite useful when it is used this way. We latch onto those phrases to minimize such powerful emotions sometimes almost instinctively as that is what we were taught and so that is what we teach not realizing how painful it is when we do this to others.

Validating can be difficult especially emotional validation - we are taught and teach negative emotions are to be avoided at all costs, they are bad and not ok... .  in its simplest form, its just "giving permission" which we all do on a daily basis. Such a strange, foreign concept to give others verbal permission to feel or act a certain way,  making it ok especially when we feel and/or think its not ok for ourselves so why is it ok for others? We give permission for the positive thoughts and emotions so why not the negative ones as well?

Once I started giving myself permission to have those certain thoughts and feelings, it became easier to give others the same permission. Then taking it a step more, I was able to start giving permission without having to understand it ... .  it is what it is - I am doing the best I can with what I have and it is ok - Its their perception, not mine and it is ok. This is where I often get stuck as I believe if I don't understand it, I can't change it or fix it. Often, giving myself "power" that really wasn't mine to begin with so I must ask quite frequently is this really mine to fix or change? Is it my responsibility or theirs? what can I do?  is this destructive or constructive? These questions really help me get unstuck and allows the permission I need to be ok

So now finding this article and reading it I got to thinking, dd15 can learn more about herself and her "power" being pointed out in such a way her self esteem may improve especially if I can learn it enough so I don't sound so clinical or patronizing helping her get unstuck from her powerful negative emotions and her own invalidation. Of course, I ask myself is this way of validation better left to the professionals? is this the logical next baby step? I don't know - it certainly couldn't hurt to try.