Is it real, or am I just seeing things?

[pessim-optimist]

I have been posting and reading for a while, and I see people on this board mention that they have more than one family member with diagnosed or undiagnosed BPD, or BPD traits. And since it is partly genetic and can also be helped on its way by a relationship with a BP parent, it makes sense that there may be more than one in the immediate family.

Ten years into my marriage, we discovered BPD due to our relationship trouble with our usd32.

I always thought that my brother was "different" and my parents have had a difficult relationship.

But in this last year, thinking and remembering all the behaviors of all my relatives and talking about things with my husband, I'm thinking that possibly my dad's mom, my mom, my brother and now my husband's ex and his daughter all have at least traits of BPD, some full-on BPD... .  

I feel a bit overwhelmed and confused. It just hit me the other day, as I was thinking about it. You know, I thought I had a semi-normal childhood and I have a great husband, I knew there were problems with his ex and daughters and I knew my family had some issues. But THIS  ?

I am hoping I am wrong. What a mess!

I know nobody here can either confirm or rule out a diagnosis to clear the picture for me. I am just looking for some feedback: Has anyone of you gone through a realization like this and then found out you were wrong? Has anyone of you found out that maybe you were just a bit over-zealous in seeing BPD where it wasn't?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

In reflecting I have also seen traits of BPD and bipolar in my family and dh family that I didn't realize.  These were people in our lives that we always just saw as difficult.  DH's mom had severe abandonment issues, that I realize now. She was one of 11 children who were all put into foster care at a very young age.  She pulled people in constantly and then pushed them away.  Life with her was a constant battle of wills and when she passed almost noone came to her funeral.  My mom has had a lifetime of volatile emotions.  She also has driven most of the family and friends away from us because she can not get along with anyone.  I could go on and on because I see so many traits that I didn't realize before, probably because I didn't know about BPD.

Am I imagining this, I don't think so.  It does give me a clearer picture and I realize my childhood was much different than I thought it was.

Griz

[Reality]

My family of origin is full of pwBPD.  My mother is a classic, as is my brother.  No question.  My sisters and I all have various symptoms  of BPD.  An expert recently assessed me and said that I do not meet criteria for BPD, but I have the high-sensitivity and cognition shut-down under stress, nonetheless. 

My father had a prominent position in education and he was wealthy.  His wisdom and guidance, not to mention the means to help us in many ways, meant we were able to function well in the outside world, my brother much less so. 

So the genetic component is there, although honestly,  being raised in a family with a BPDmother truly might be enough to set the disorder in motion.  One learns from the modeling around one. 

When you are raised in an unsafe family, the damage is profound.

We looked like the ideal family.  Beautiful mother, well-respected kind father, every opportunity... .  

Reality

[WalrusGumboot]

I had went through the zealous stage once I really got the handle of what BPD is. I realized there was a lot of it on the female side of my xBPDw's family.

I didn't want to become one of those that find a BPD under every rock, but then again, when the evidence is there, what kind of conclusions can you draw? It certainly makes sense that a mental illness, other than those caused by injury, can be passed down to offspring. Then there is the nurturing argument... those that have been abused as a child become the abuser of their children.

So, thinking that a family can be chock full of BPD is certainly plausible.

[qcarolr]

Sometimes we do see things that have always been there, just not on our 'radar' -- we weren't looking for them. Like playing a game of 'count the red cars' traveling with kids. All the sudden there a LOTS of red cars that you never really noticed before. This is the noticing part.

Then there is the very real impact of how a child is parented having profound effects on their development - and that the patterns often carry down one generation after another. This is well documented in many kinds of research in phsychology, sociology and interpersonal neuroscience.

So how can we put the noticing together with the knowledge to make things better in our life and the lives of those we are connected to? That is the big question for me. We humans are social beings - we need each other to survive and thrive. It is so awesome being a part of the membership of bpdfamily.com and meeting so many that are in this search for better relationships in their lives with difficult people.

For me the label has limited value - and can get in the way of making the most of my r/s's. So many overlap - BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression... .  

So it is real, and we are seeing things.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

... .  All the sudden there a LOTS of red cars that you never really noticed before. This is the noticing part.

So how can we put the noticing together with the knowledge to make things better in our life and the lives of those we are connected to? That is the big question for me. We humans are social beings - we need each other to survive and thrive. It is so awesome being a part of the membership of bpdfamily.com and meeting so many that are in this search for better relationships in their lives with difficult people.

Yep! LOTS OF RED CARS! 

Thank you everyone! So many similar experiences... .  

I will slowly work through all the realizations and observations. It will give me more insight in how to interact with my family members.

I read somewhere that people with similar baggage tend to marry each other. It would then make sense that my husband and I, both nons, have pwBPD in our respective families. We can support each other and help each other heal and learn to communicate better with our loved ones.

[mamachelle]

... .  All the sudden there a LOTS of red cars that you never really noticed before. This is the noticing part.

So how can we put the noticing together with the knowledge to make things better in our life and the lives of those we are connected to? That is the big question for me.

Yep! LOTS OF RED CARS! 

Thank you everyone! So many similar experiences... .  

I like to think knowledge equals power.