Hating compliments & other feedback

[Themis]

Is it common for pwBPD to hate compliments?

MypwBPD hates compliments as much as criticism. Even in the honeymoon period he liked some compliments, but if I showered him with too many (as I'm prone to do, I'm a very affectionate person, and I'm a hugger, a complimenter, and I'm just very loving in a relationship---just like he was---but unlike a person with BPD it doesn't really fade. It's not a phase for me.  )

He HATED them and at first I thought it was funny. It was a game at first as I didn't understand his condition. We have been together a LONG time so I was also quite young, playful and loved complimenting him.

He'd cringe and I thought it was a joke. I just didn't get it for a long time. I thought I just needed to build his self-esteem up. I'd hug him and say "ooh I'm sure you secretly love it"--then insert a compliment a young girlfriend would give---"handsome" "smartypants" etc

It sunk in when he would have an expression that looked literally---pained. My compliments were hurting him.

I'd also give meaningful ones, not just about his looks or something like that. i'd give relevant ones to things he did really well, and always try to appreciate him. Those more serious ones seemed to hurt more. When I'd give a thoughtful compliment or feedback that was when he looked deeply troubled by it. So I had to stick to flirting or surface remarks.

Sometimes he liked this validation and kindness. He wasn't used to it. But many times he'd just say "That's enough!" and my compliment may as well have been an insult. It's was like it burnt his skin... .  

Now the same could apply to what I thought was harmless teasing. That soon grated on him quickly. What another man would consider flirting, banter, or play... .  it was a like a punch in the face for him.

He had to explain to me that my "teasing" was so incredibly hurtful. I respected that, but I felt like I had to restrict a part of myself as teasing him had become a habit, a part of my playfulness.

No-one like mean teasing, but it was never anything spiteful or designed to hurt. It was more silly or a ridiculous "insult" that to a "normal" person would see as funny.

Here is an example of my teasing:

I can't really remember what I said but I remember one time before we moved in together and he invited me to his house.

It was absolutely lovely, and was touched by how he obviously had scrubbed the whole thing as it was spotless, and so organized. I was flattered. But me being me, I playfully pointed somewhere with a big grin on my face and said "you missed a spot!" pointing to nothing and giggled--- an obvious joke right?

Well not for him. He looked heart broken and grumpy he snapped: "I obviously didn't do a good enough job!" and went to get a cloth to wipe at the invisible spot I pointed out.

I felt hurt too. But now you can see why I love him so much. He does some crazy things, but like that it comes from not feeling good enough. That's why he snapped at me.

That was something I could piece together, just most scenarios where he suddenly goes dark... .  I don't know what I did.

It was confusing how he reacted to compliments and feedback, and even "jokes". But at the same time I was deeply touched by how I could point out something INVISIBLE and he took my view so seriously he went to go clean it up for me.

It also left me with a bit empty handed as all my life my peace-making with people is to see the good in them, compliment them and try to be nice. When he is angry and hates compliments, I don't know what to say.

[Clearmind]

To truly accept a compliment you have to believe it yourself and believe in yourself. Its likely he had been told for much of his life what he had done wrong/didn't do well enough - when you hear something different to what you are used to - it may not register. He is programmed to not trust the source because he does not trust himself.

Be consistent, honest, genuine, and patient.

Have you looked into using validation?

[Themis]

Can you validate without them saying anything? Or do you wait for them to say something/do something, and then back up their view/validate it, and that's better than a compliment?

[Clearmind]

Build trust with your partner using validation/understanding.

People receive compliments/appreciation in various ways - continue to compliment - be genuine, sincere, consider using touch as well - a hug and a thank you.

[patientandclear]

Yes, the pwBPD in my life finds it very hard to hear compliments from me.  He was raised in an incredibly critical AND invalidating environment.  To some extent, the fact that I think highly of him forms part of why he sometimes views me as "naive."  However, it is also part of why I am important to him.  It's all mixed up because he has strong competing emotions around this.

I still compliment him.  Those are my true views.  His difficulty hearing them is for him to work out.

That doesn't mean not to validate if he expresses self-doubt -- you can do both.  Just not at the same time!

[AllyCat7]

That doesn't mean not to validate if he expresses self-doubt

Hi patientandclear, can you give an example of this?

[tuum est61]

Themis,

I experience vey similar responses re compliments and "teasing" from my uBPDw. It used to be so confusing - until you consider why

For a pwBPD, compliments can be invalidating and can generate a need to push you away. Internally they suffer from low self esteem but they've got very strong walls built around it. They use everything at their diposal to keep you away from that core.  It's a real paradox for them - they NEED this recognition but can't let you too close.  

Rather than resist their resistance to being teased or taking compliments, you need to carry - on with your compliments but work with their feelings as a fact - and as Clearmind advises -  validate their feelings around it.  

What are some good validating statements that could be used when your pwBPD objects to our efforts to be supportive/complimentary?

[tuum est61]

Can you validate without them saying anything? Or do you wait for them to say something/do something, and then back up their view/validate it, and that's better than a compliment?

Yes, you can and should validate when they go silent.  "I get that you are unhappy/upset/frustrated/not feeling the love about this."

Just don't go over the top and recognize that like anyone, a little "dead air" time to allow time to process information is okay.

Yes, validation is sometimes the ultimate compliment, and is thus "better".

[AllyCat7]

 validate their feelings around it.  

And how would one do this? What are some examples in this situation? It's nice to see the "strategy" suggested to fix the situation (validating being the most popular), but examples would be great, too. I see "validate" used so much around here, but am still confused how to use it due to the lack of examples. In fact, I felt that when I tried to validate my BPD, I would piss him off. So I think I'm doing something wrong. More help on this would be appreciated. Thanks!

[tuum est61]

validate their feelings around it.  

And how would one do this? What are some examples in this situation? It's nice to see the "strategy" suggested to fix the situation (validating being the most popular), but examples would be great, too. I see "validate" used so much around here, but am still confused how to use it due to the lack of examples. In fact, I felt that when I tried to validate my BPD, I would piss him off. So I think I'm doing something wrong. More help on this would be appreciated. Thanks!

I put an example of a validating comment in my thread above - partially because when I first started working with validation I felt the same as you - a lot if advice to validate but few examples.  I hope that readers of this thread take up my "challenge" to come up with some further validating statements.

Yes, you can and should validate when they go silent.  "I get that you are unhappy/upset/frustrated/not feeling the love about this."

How you validate is something that will be unique to your pwBPD.  It can and does "piss them off". To some degree the art of validation is like the art of taxation - learning how to "pluck the goose in a manner that minimizes the hissing."  Sometimes my W will straight out tell me  I am being patronizing.  I keep fine tuning my approach - since a little hissing is preferred to the rages that ensue if I try to justify, argue, defend, or explain.

Here's a couple workshop links on validation and validation using SET.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it


TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

[AllyCat7]

Thanks Tum!

I will check out those links as well. And thanks for providing that example. If you can, can you also provide one that is specific to the following part of your post:

Rather than resist their resistance to being teased or taking compliments, you need to carry - on with your compliments but work with their feelings as a fact - and as Clearmind advises -  validate their feelings around it.  

What are some good validating statements that could be used when your pwBPD objects to our efforts to be supportive/complimentary?

So in this situation, what is an example of "validating their feelings around" not liking compliments?