Feel like I meant nothing

[rockhardabsman]

You know even though I was the one who ended it because she hit me again and kicked her out I feel pretty worthless tonight. She's been dating "just a friend" since the day I broke up with her. It totally sucks, feels like just another way to stick it to me and make me feel like I meant squat.

So here I am with my heart in my hand, while she is living it up with the new guy. After everything I've done over the past, getting her into rehab, taking her on vacations around the world, stuff that no man has ever done for her... .  it all meant nothing. I mean I feel I probably never cross her mind. This is utter bull. Do I really mean jack to her? 1 1/2 years just erased? She's made no contact, been almost 3 weeks. Usual recycle was about a week.

[Clearmind]

BPD is unpredictable - its anyones guess if she will recycle - you sound hopeful!

It is early days and yes it does hurt - it seems senseless to us however to a Borderline, those fears are very real. We are a trigger and as much as we try not to be, by walking on eggshells, sometimes what we do is not enough.

What do you want from this r/s?

[HarmKrakow]

I'm struggling with the exact same issues. You feel (what do you really feel?)  that your input, was not worth anything, while from moment 1 till moment (the end) you felt like it was worth something. At least, SOMETHING! ...

[benny2]

Ahh yes, the just a friend line. Heard that one! Well from my experience that is a sign that she probably will be back. Its her way of keeping the door open by not wanting you to know that its more than just a friend. As far as you meaning nothing to her, I think at the time we do mean something to them. It seems like they need to keep that idealization phase going and when its stops, they move on and find it again. When that gets old they pull out their little black book of collectables, and guess what, they've got your name and number. Hope you have the strength to resist.

[cookiecrumbled]

I am with you, Rockhard.  Same boat here.  Nothing.  I guess I will never see him again.  Hard to believe.

[Li Po mem]

Understand completely.

[almost789]

Yeah, me too. The more you give the more they take and give nothing in return. It is a bottomless pit, trully. Her moving on though has more to do with HER shame and needing that instant validation to her ego and not being able to face herself. Be glad your rid of her. In time you can find someone better who can love you back. She can't. She never will.

[Tired of it]

This should shed some light.  I had the same feelings of her "living it up" with the new guy however I had to look at the facts.  In my recent situation, she came back around after three weeks of just asking me to "please stop and leave her alone".  We had sex and she said she still loves me.  Long story short, within the week I find out about another guy she was actually with and she was sleeping with me behind his back (he must have upset her or she had one of her moods with him, who knows).  He knows about it b/c I informed him when I found out but he stayed with her and she denies it while telling me she loves him and hopes to marry him one day. I catch myself thinking that they are living it up but how can that be so great when I know that she cheated on him and slept with me.  What is so great about that?  The thoughts of living it up are just our minds playing tricks on us.  We have no idea what they are doing or what it is like.  Whatever picture my ex tries to paint about how much she loves him or whatever is completely bull b/c she wouldn't have been sleeping with me. They may be together but I should be glad i'm not in that situation.  I realize it is less about her, but more about me being alone.  There is ZERO reason you, I, or anyone else should even miss this person.

[tut-uncommon]

Same here .  I have been pushed away and expected not to return any "I love you(s)" if I say it and not to text everyday ans so on.

I did nothing wrong but I am paying the price of the guilty party. What a terrible disorder that a pwBPD has. They are their own worst enemy and end up rewiring our "circuits" to make us feel guilty, responsible, self doubting and miserable. Its soo hard not to get angry at them for what they do (intentionally and unintentionally)