what would they do if the tables were turned?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just wondering what do you think they would do if you all of a sudden just dropped out of the picture with no explanation. I know he thinks he's reeling me back in again, but I most diffently have my guard up. He is being very secretive about our relationship to his daughters. He won't have me over or talk to me in front of them.  No warning, just gone, like he does. I know he will be contacting me, but maybe he needs to realize I am not going to be his doormat.

[benny2]

Just wondering what do you think they would do if you all of a sudden just dropped out of the picture with no explanation. I know he thinks he's reeling me back in again, but I most diffently have my guard up. He is being very secretive about our relationship to his daughters. He won't have me over or talk to me in front of them.  No warning, just gone, like he does. I know he will be contacting me, but maybe he needs to realize I am not going to be his doormat.

[wanttoknowmore]

Diane,

If he truly has BPD... he will get very enraged and might impulsively go and date someone else or quickly paint you black as an evil person who hurt her .

Do you want him to stay... if yes, please donot do that. In BPD situation, you can not fight fire with fire. Yoy fight with patience ,empathy ,support and validation.

[benny2]

You are right wantoknowmore. I guess I really need to do some soul searching and decide whether or not I can be that supportive person in his life. I think that is exactly what he did when I ended it 3 months ago and now he's trying to figure out how to bring me back into the picture without making himself look like the unsable person that he is. I know I love him and I deeply care about him, but I just don't know if I can play his games anymore.

[blecker]

No BPD is an island.

It is a social disorder of the personality and needs the interface of an object.

If an object leaves or is discarded, it will be replaced.

[wanttoknowmore]

Diane,

If you love him ,that means he must have some great qualities in him. Love can not be possible if there is nothing good about the person.  As for BPD,

I believe it's a disorder just like any other illness. Its not the person,its the disorder which comes out off and on and causes chaos. I can see what a lovely and wonderful human being my BPD gf  is if only,I remove the cloud of her disorder and see underneath. But, its hard because our emotions get entangled with their chaotic emotions and we start behaving like them sometimes. See the person and ignore the episodic behavior when he is dysregulated. Its easier said than done. Staying connected with the person but detaching from his disorder is the key to staying  in relationship. It all depends on how much you care about him as its going to rocky time and again . Are you willing to make that sacrifice? Its a personal decision.

[fakename]

wanttoknowmore,

i feel like you're trying to justify our madness for wanting to stay with someone with BPD and who mistreats us and shows us no regard for our values and morals or us in general, by saying the disorder and the person are separate... the person we know is the person we've seen, someone who needs our affection and to act as their puppet, and if we don't, they abuse us.  its not my ex is such a great person, but when the disorder takes over thats when she becomes bad, thats the person i need to learn how to tame... .  

if i didnt do and say exactly as my ex wanted or appease to her entirely, then there would be hell to pay.  if i faltered for a moment, i would be punished.  my ex is a very selfish person and she masks that in order to manipulate and get what she wants and have people think of her highly, when in reality, she's ugly and its only about her

[wanttoknowmore]

Fakename,

Let me clarify my statement. My experience is that a underlying person can be lovely but when they get dysregulated they behave horribly. Some people may not be a lovely underlying person and may have psychopathic traits/narcissistic traits. Every person with BPD is different in their basic nature(That is what you see when they are not dysregulated)

My experience with my BPD gf is that she is a great human being but can be such a pain during her dysregulated periods giving silent treatments,sarcasm,rage and hurting my feelings. Yours may be different.

[fakename]

hey wanttoknowmore,

its not necessarily that i disagree with you, i guess my mind is so confused, that i decided to take different viewpoints just for the sake of discussion and to hear different responses/perspectives... .  

my ex was in my view, an angel... to me and to others. when she got upset, she would yell, curse at me, point out my inadequacies as if you lower my self esteem and act evil. i tried to talk her through this and the angry moments never lasted long as we generally made up within an hour or so with me consoling her the best i could.

what she did have a problem with all the time was reaching out to her ex bf who she apparently still loved, and did so behind my back and would lie about it - this infuriated me. if she was honest about contacting him, i would try to understand and do what i had to help her. but then after he ex ignoring her attempts for months, and she went out on a date with a new guy and lied about it (she planned the date while we were broken up, but then she called crying and wanted to make up with me so i said ok, and i thought we talked out all our issues, but then the next day she went on the date anyway). i then realized i was just being used all this time, as someone to tend to her until she was able to patch things up with her ex, or someone to tend to her until she found someone better off... .  this all happened from i guess october-feb 4th... .  

she did the same thing the first time we tried the r/s 2 years ago, except during that time there were 3 guys involved.

i just dont believe in them changing. i believe they are just selfish people out for themselves and with no remorse or care for how their actions affect others so long as they get their fix.

even in times when i thought things were finally on track to get good, she would do something to destroy it.

so what does this lead me to believe? not sure entirely.  it takes a lot of work for them to change, they need to change their mentality or way of thinking, and they look at others as people to use to suit their needs.  they also need to wear a mask to cover up their ugliness or how they feel about themselves and what they do. if someone else thinks well of them (like an on-looker who happens to see their charity work, or their family members who see how gracious and kind they are) then they feel whole or satisfied because they are masking their true nature. everything they do is to suit their agenda. (just like even normal people in the world, but i feel normal people are more conscious of how their actions affect others and accept responsibility)

so when is the disorder not in control? i have to think that the person and the disorder and the same person, no?

[benny2]

I agree fakename. I realize there are certain things in which they cannot control because of the disorder, but I do believe the cheating, lies, and manipulation games could be controled if they really wanted to.

[wanttoknowmore]

Fakename,

If I were in your situation with such a gf, I know what I would have done... I would have NOT stayed in r/s even for a minute. But, you should not lump all pwBPDs into one type. Mine is different... .  yes, she gets dysregulated... .  rages,yells, screams and make veiled death wishes... she gives silent treatments... gets jealous  blames me ... BUT ... never demonizes me... never runs back to Ex... .  doesnot get with a new guy... instead she runs to what is familiar... to her sisters... to her best friend from schools days... she frantically gets into more community service... and just shuts off to me for days. She doesnot cut,overdose .Doesnot abuse alcohol or drugs.

Thats why its hard for me to hate her and get out of r/s quickly as I see her good part is much bigger than these dysregulated terrible episodes lasting a few days. This time is the longest... already 9 days.

Man... .  I will run away without a second thought,.if yours were mine. No doubt about it. There are so many nice women out there ... kind and loving.

[fakename]

wanttoknowmore,

if mine was yours, i dont think you would have run away without second thought.

that pretty much suspends the underlying reason for which you stuck around with yours.

[AllyCat7]

In BPD situation, you can not fight fire with fire. Yoy fight with patience ,empathy ,support and validation.

If that ain't the damned truth