Ugh... caught off guard... again

[amaris]

He was doing so well and I let myself believe that he had grown beyond the dysregulation.  Wrong!  He was in such a good mood.  Then within one hour he became a raving maniac... .  he focuses on my grown daughter because he is so jealous of our relationship.   She is struggling right now and he resents me showing her any support... not monetarily... .  just being kind.  However, it would matter, because he always for 13 years has used her to project onto.  but just to me... .  he doesn't say anything to her... .  he has learned that my kids are my trigger... .  mostly I am aware, but when he starts verbally attacking my kids to me it is all i can do to not trip up and rage back.  it is so hard to be constantly on guard for those red flags to enable me to be geared up for what is coming.   Does anyone else have a BPD who focuses on one tired subject to vent his poisen on again and again?   the worst part about this is that I know that if I don't act like all is normal after such an explosion this will carry on for weeks... .  but if I act like he is wonderful when I see him all will be forgotten... .  I hate him right now... .  really hate him.   we were having dinner with a couple last night and he starts raging before we get there... gets out and throws the keys at the car... goes inside... .  when me and the couple get inside he is standing in the restaurant looking like a 3 year old... .  the man asks if he is ok and he says no an starts whining that I put everything else before him... .  he was so enraged the man had to take him out and me and the woman had dinner by ourselves, which was a relief... .  but the poor man who had never seen that side of my BPDh was stunned and spent the evening with him someplace listening to his ridiculous whining victim mentality... .     forgive the writing/spelling... .  believe it or not I am a newly published author... .  

[almost789]

Geeze! Sorry, amaris. How difficult it must be to have a grown man act like this out in public! I wish I could help you more, but myex does a great job of concealing this type of anger and uses mostly silent treatment when he gets upset. Im sure there are others here that have pwBPD who act out like this in public.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Amaris!

I so hear you, really I do...

My BP is exactly the same... This year it was three years we were together... The first two, before I found out he had BP, were agonising... .  and at times dangerous, damaging and very very destructive...

I too, had grown children, my daughter, (then almost 19) and my son, (then 16). They both were living with me when I met BP through my workplace and some time later, brought him home for coffee and friendly chats...

Daughter told me she thought something wasn't 'quite right' with him, this was her instinct talking, I had thanked her for looking out for me, and told her I kind of knew, but was only friends with him... .  I distinctly remember him telling me that he had smoked pot throughout his life, and I said to my daughter that he had in the past been a bit of a stoner, self admitted, but no longer, (which I was happy about!).

We agreed that would pretty much explain a bit of the weirdness she picked up on... and then we both forgot about it...

My son was polite to BP as was my daughter, but being the age they were, they obviously were not obligated or interested in getting to know one of Mum's friends really well... The same went for their friends... I didn't 'hang out' with them... .  

As a few months went by, BP and I became more than friends... It wasn't long after that the trouble really started... .  Oh God... .  

BP started to have a lot of 'input' about my life... he was always going on about my children, my friends, his life, his past, himself, him, him, him...

He had a lot of time on his hands too, which didn't help him either... unemployed two years when we met, after a redundancy, and broke... with a few low value assets to sell, if he felt really desperate...

He would wash, rinse repeat the same old subjects, and the same old stories every day! After a while, it felt like Groundhog day... Even today, he still brings up the old stories, but it is kind of like he found new targets for his ever present venom... How they live their lives, nasty, aggressive talk about them... Denigrating in fact...

Like most of us, we might have a few negative experiences from time to time, and we might dwell on them, either try to fix them, (if in our power), or move on, build a bridge and get over it!

Not so for BP... He is the biggest grudge holder I have ever met... Validating his feelings, and using SET often gets me nowhere... and besides, there is also the statement, that we don't have to listen to verbal abuse, threats, or frequent denigration sessions... This isn't like a dummy spit we all might have from time to time, about things that anger us... and that we resolve if possible, his never seems to end...

Sometimes, I can use my sense of humor... others, I wish I could design some headphones that can be hidden easily, and that way, when he is going on, I can agree, but secretly tune him out better with music... heh heh heh

One night, in the last few weeks, when he was back staying nights at my place, I took my ipod to work.

BP noticed it, (he likes to help me at work at nights) and had a minor dummy spit about it, I took the headphones off when I went back inside to work with BP, but only so I could listen to him and his one way conversations... Yea, him doing all the talking! and me listening, with about 1% input... even that would be interrupted...

I really get frustrated because he goes on and on about my daughter all the time... her loan, and subsequently the newer vehicle she brought with it, he criticizes the choices she is making with her life, (settled down in a relationship at 22!). He criticizes that her and her partner who board here, have taken over the house with all their 'stuff', their pets, their 'crap'.

Oh, and of course, they are only using me, and it is disgusting... I earn less than them, have all the responsibility and they spend... spend spend...

His absolute nemesis in life right now, is my daughter's partner though... BP long forgot about my son, he moved out, 2 years ago... Couldn't stand the drama here, that BP was always starting... And I don't blame him... It also coincided with his Dad coming back into his life from working away, (and renting a local house again), so our son went to live with his Dad... for that male bonding thing too...

Annoyingly, BP compares my daughter to his niece, (incidentally his 'niece' is 27 and just out of a long term relationship). He goes on about how his niece travelled overseas with her boyfriend, and how that is what you are supposed to be doing at the age of 22, like he was as well... not acting like an old married couple etc...

I must mention here, that when his niece was in her 'relationship', she lived with her boyfriends parents too! The difference was that they were extremely wealthy, and let them stay for nothing! not to mention helped to bankroll their trip overseas... .  

I see that people are made up of good and bad, people try and not everything they do is bad... I have reminded BP on occasions, that it is not wise to make assumptions about people, because you can end up looking really foolish with egg on your face... I have also reminded BP that he too, is neither all good or all bad... just like son-in-law...

Recently, we have been waiting for son-in-law's drivers license to arrive in the post... given that BP is not to be trusted, we have come to the conclusion that with his severe resentment of son-in-law, it is possible he could have removed it from the post box, and either kept it, or tossed it in the trash on purpose... It would not be the first time BP has gone into the letterbox and stolen someone's mail... .  

I could go on for ages here, but you get my drift I think...

Basically, BP is jealous of my son-in-law, and projecting all his own motives and faults onto him... it also bothers me that he takes too much interest in my daughters personal affairs... I do realise he is concerned for her welfare, and thank him for looking out for her best interests etc... but I also remind him, that she is an adult, working full time, like her partner, and what they do with their lives and money, is their business...

Of course, all the logic in the world is wasted on him...

He sees that we cannot have a life together, because they live here with me, and he acts like we can never have a life of our own as long as they are...

But I think he expects me to provide it for him! and I have not seen anything but excuses for his own sorry plight, that would make me think any different... He still is not working... still runs out of cash every week, relying on Governmental assistance payments, steals car parts to sell, or finds them, and has made a lot of extra money in the last few months, for someone with no rent, grocery or utility payments like the rest of us... He has a little shed room at his parents, and comes and goes from there all the time... gets a few cooked meals thanks to his ever suffering Mother, who always tells me the Father is exactly the same, or used to be worse... and that BP has been coming and going from their place now for about 15  years... .  

Hmmm, I smell a rat... .