why get married to them?

[fakename]

this topic isn't meant to be an insult... .  i was intent on marrying my ex, even before i knew the reason for her madness was cause of BPD (maybe i still do want to marry her, i dont know)

but i hear a lot of stories of marriages that are, i guess, not ideal or even bad... .  

so i'm wondering, for those who have married someone with BPD, why did they do it? what were they like in the beginning of the relationship? what did they overlook or not think much of in terms of mistreatment or bad behavior?

how did they fall into the trap?


i dont know if i expressed it correctly, but i'm just trying to figure out what happened that they ended up marrying people with BPD and then stuck with it through the marriage?

again, i saw myself marrying my ex. i thought she was beautiful, the sex was great (even when it became rare or i had to push for it), the affection we showed each other was like heaven. but i cant remember any great conversations or great laughs with her, and i cant remember her showing any interest in me or any of my interests... .  

[levi]

Hallo, oh well all i can say is that my husband was not like that before our marriage, we also had marriage counseling  for months before we got married. This BPD person only came out few year after we got married. Before that he was n very nice charming man, and he still is today after 31 years of marriage  the nice charming man ONLY when he visit his brother and sisters and mother... .  With me and his children he is a different person... .  

[daze]

Well for me, and I don't think I'm alone, my uBPDh didn't show the obvious BPD signs until shortly after we married. He started drinking daily after we married too.  That is not to say there weren't red flags because there were but I chose to gloss over them because he swept me off my feet and I was in love. My mistake was marrying him too soon. We have been together almost two years and married one.

Now I know that a whirlwind romance and being idealized are red flags. Some how I missed that along the way. I just thought we were in love in a way I'd never experienced and we were smart and successful adults in our 40s who could work through issues as they came up.

There were other red flags too in retrospect. I don't know if he has BPD but he is an alcoholic with what appear to be BPD traits.  His early childhood history could point in that direction too. The idealization and devaluation and push/pull really did a number on me and brought out some parts of me that I didn't recognize which brought me to research the symptoms of our r/s, ultimately here, and to therapy.

My h has so many positive aspects that I have decided go be patient, change/heal myself, and see what happens. He might decide to quit drinking. He knows its an issue for him. He knows I think he has BPD traits. He didn't get angry when I told him the questionnaire that he so readily identified with was for BPD. I honestly think it might have come up with him in the past. Perhaps in the military. Or from his mom or sister. It was not a shocker for him at all and he didn't twist it back on me, which is surprising.

I think I told you before on another thread that I wouldn't have married him if I knew. And that is true. I might still be in a relationship with him. I don't know. I do know that I love him and the r/s has improved with my changes.