stalking and BPD

[maasika]

Hello.My ex partner is BPD.He left me shockingly with no warnongs whatsoever nor any care for a woman who turned out to be... .  on methadone.It lasted 3 months.He contacted me throughout,would not stop,and when it went wrong with her the contact was daily,telling me he regrets,wants me to take him back and so on... .  But my question here is :I since discovered he has been jailed 3 times for stalking and hitting 4 of his ex as the realtionships ended... .  He has never been violent with me even though i have told him a lot of truths about him!But what worries me is that he has just been jailed for the 4th time for invading that woman he left me for's house with a hammer after breaking the window... .  To my shock and horror He wrote me from jail upon arrival to tell me but also to beg me to get in touch with his family... .  I replied via a very harsh letter,a hard one to write cos i did love that man,and told him to never contact me again,that i do not know him and that I do not eb=ver want to be reminded of him in my life ,that he is selfish and totally out of line to dare and write to me at this stage... Did I do it right?Is stalking a common trait(Recidivism).Can they get dangerously violent?And why is he contacting me,asking me back but not being violent to me as he seems to be with others?I m a little older than him,and the women he s been with are very common.I m not his usual type.Can anyone help me if they see through his psychology and have had such exp.?I m scared and horrified and want him to stop contacting me.I never knew he was such a man... .  Thank you

[fakename]

thats an interesting question on the violence - my ex was violent with me many times during arguments, but says she wasnt with others... .  

she's 5 years older than i am


i hope you stay away from him. a hammer can end up being very deadly, let alone an anger like that can do a ton of harm with just bare hands...

someone who knows better should reply, but i really hope you stay away and stay safe

[maasika]

Thank you Fakename.Oh yes this time I am staying away.But even from jail he seems to not get the message.I wrote a horrifically harsh letter,in which i showed him he as a man who had betrayed me had no right to contact me .That he had to deal with his mistake.Also the fact that the woman wrote me repeatedly when she discovered he was writing and calling me(She did not have scrupules when she took a man who was in a relationship!But she was so welcome anyway:)),contributed to infuriate him,not out of care for me of course,out of rage about what she might tell me about him!And most of the letter he sent me from jail was manipulating me to tell him what she had told me... And urging me to contact his parents... .  I think he sees me as stability,a constant.family really.and i m lucky he has never in 4 years been violent.But no way i ll allow for any contact now after what he has done 4 times now.God!It s even hard to have empathy at this point.I used to when i told him i was leaving him on a few occasions he d always threaten to kill himself... .  Until it suited him to go elsewhere!To beg to come back throughout!No,i m through with empathy and feeling sorry,illness or not he is horrible and capable of killing someone.I believe he has gone psychotic actually.and for a few months now.Best of luck to you Fakename,we all deserve better than this abuse.It s even a far better option to remain alone!

[fakename]

i read a couple times on these boards that there are no wake-up calls for these people... .  

(just as an FYI, i think my posts have gone from undecided to leaning towards not giving her another chance if she does come back, so please read with that in mind and be sure to take input from others)

i've tried so many different ways and so many times with my ex gf and now am beginning to understand why nothing worked.

i remember on 2 separate occasions as i was driving (going over 40mph), she was unleashing a fury of anger verbally and physically and on those 2 separate occasions punched me in the eye. right in the pupil. each time. i was so fortunate that i maintained control of the car... .  things will in time only get worse as i fear she needs to emphasize her point or anger in a 'clearer' way so i can 'understand'... .  

i think he does see you has a constant, but not in the way you'd like, in the way that he knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll be there to pick up the pieces... .  (that's how it was for me at least)

and i know what you talk about to come back begging after all the others they chase after. its like they have no conscious. how can they treat someone who tries so hard for them and forgives so much for them and in the name of having a strong r/s? that provides me proof that they will NEVER change their ugly ways. they cant be enlightened.

and i agree on being alone. i have much more peace and happiness without her in my life. (though i do still miss her and miss comforting her)

but i do want to do more with my life than be put through hell every day.

[maasika]

You were wise to leave the situation.Noone deserves to be abused.And as you say the lack of conscience makes it impossible to believe in second chances that would turn out to be better!Once an abuser know you took them back they ll just go on abusing.And yes it is hard to part from them as we do feel guilty cos they are sick,and we do love them,but... .  We must remember what they did at their worse and the hurt they caused us.Noone deserves to be treated badly by someone they give a lot of cvare and energy to.When my ex partner freaks out and replies(As unfortunately I know he will),i intend to be strong this time.He has sent me into a depression in the last 6 months and i am very angry about that,and in his case there is no hope.He does not see he does wrong... Somehow he s always the victim.He s in jail now but they had to explain to im that what he did is against the law!He did not think it was that bid a deal!Someone made him angry cos they did not live up to his expectation,so he wanted to kill her!And he thinks that s a normal feeling and thing to do!Oh no Fakename,noone deserves to worry about someone who has such potential of harming us at any time.I wish you luck and happiness for the future.

[fakename]

maasika,

one thing i hope you do, since you mentioned the depression ( i went through almost a year of it after she left me for some other guy)... .  i eneded up drinking a lot... .  and doing dumb things (like driving 110mph on the highway regularly)... .  its my own fault, i didnt know how to deal with my own issues and i went toward a path of self destruction, (which might be why i kept going to her, cause i could help her with her problems rather than focus on mine), and i got a DUI, (which was a wake-up call for me - i went sober since and started focusing on my life... .  but then she popped up again and i lost my path (i never drank but stopped doing things for myself and for my future)... .  

anyway, this time around, i havent gone into a depression, mainly cause i have this site, and also because i push myself to do good things for myself... .  no matter how lazy or sad or whatever i feel, i always force myself to exercise everyday and as i see the progress i can feel good about myself, i also abide by a very healthy diet (always did that anyway)... .  i'm not gonna be hard on myself, but slowly, maybe each week i'm gonna add a new thing to my routine to continue on being productive in the short term and long term... .  

just saying that cause i hope you incorporate it. you may not have been as much of a wreck as i was, but i know this helps a lot with everything. keep fighting for yourself, rather than fighting for someone with BPD... .  

like i said... .  i feel better now cause i understand, i still miss her, but i know a brighter future is ahead of me as long as she's not in it. just as i love an alcohol-free life a lot more... .