Dd knows bf is on drugs. Ask me what to do

[somuchlove]

I spent time listening and trying to valadate. She rightfully has reason to be scared.  She texted me after call... .  ( What do I do at this point?  Please, I am very serious. Please I need some guidance. ) Ok how do I respond?  I did sayi what do u think your options are?   Do u think she really wants my input or just listen?  I know, because I don't know .  She would like to get out but can't afford  a place, worried if she moves here for awhile, which would b out of state what happens. He doesnt have money to fight her in court. Can't keep up with child support of other 2. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello somuchlove,

It is good that your d is asking for your input and also good that you are asking for her to participate in problem solving.

keep asking her validating questions... .  like "this is so hard, have you talked to him about his drug use?"

"I know this makes you worried, what did he say?"

"Finding resources can be frustrating, are there any NA meetings nearby? What do you think?  Would he go?"

Validate her feelings while guiding her towards problem solving options.  Avoid telling her what to do.

Let us know how you are doing somuchlove and how else we can help.

 

lbj

[somuchlove]

Thanks obj for your direction and encouragement.   I have trouble knowing when,she asks for my help.  Knowing if offering suggestions like talking to lawyer, etc.  however ,she is trying very hard to make decisions.  He has been drug counseling about 3 yrs ago. That is when they broke up for about 8 months.  It is so hard because her bad gets in the way of her thinking. 

Again I wish she would go visit with a. Our seller to help her think through theses big decisions.  Don't dare tell her that.  It might help her not have panic attacks etc .  She thinks he needs counseling. It can't realize it would help her.

[jellibeans]

seems like she already knows the answer... .  don't you find that sometimes? sometimes they know the right answer but need that back up from you because they question all their decisions... .  

What is your real concern here? What are you worrying about exactly?

[qcarolr]

somuchlove   

This has been such a long road for you, and I can see so much growth in how your respond to your D. And that you are also in a much better place with yourself. Keep listening and asking these thinking questions for your D.

Another thought that pops up for me - has your D tried going to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get support in this relationship? This was such a giant step for me in shifting from distress in relating to my DD. Since the focus is on how to be in a better r/s with her bf and his drug use struggles, and not on her issues, maybe she would be open to at least going to the 'trial period' of 6 meetings.

Al Anon is everywhere, and includes the drug addiction support in many ways. Here are links to these organizations to search for a local group.

www.al-anon.alateen.org/

www.nar-anon.org/naranon/

Keeping you and your family always in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[somuchlove]

I think I will suggest that to her.  However,  she is also looking at trying to decide if she is going to just move out of state, taking their little one, if she can?  because ex husband is wants to move across the country.  Of course he has to have her permission to take the other 2 children.  I get from dd that her bf has hurt her so bad that she is ready to get out of there but caught with the littlest one and bf in this state.  Am I being clear.  I am in a meeting and so trying to do two things at once.  AS you can imagine my mind is not on my meeting.   

[qcarolr]

She should qualify for free legal aide to help her in making these decisions. My DD got help here when her husband was deported and she wanted to get a divorce. They deal with family issues and could advise her about her little girl. Is her ex taking the boys with him if she gives permission? Does she already pay child support? Has she requested adjustments for this based on not working and having another child?

This is a lot for your D to handle. Sounds like she is trying hard to keep her thinking going in this stressful situation.

You should be able to search by state for these legal services. PM me if I can help.

qcr