Got sucked in, all my fault.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke down though.  I had so much stress placed on me yesterday, losing friends because they are tired of hearing about her, mom berating me for being stupid, my dad is sick.  Not much social support to fall on.  Found out I had to pay $2500 if I want to break my lease or wait into June to move to a different apartment.  I was so depressed, felt so lost and broken.   I sulked back to my apartment and just had to seek companionship to the only person that would give me a big hug, my exBPDgf.   Oh she welcomed me right into her door no problem. 

So she delivers the news of getting married.  We just barely broke up, yet, she has known this person for less than a month, and already they are planning on going to a nice exotic spot to fall in love and hope he proposes to her.  Is that a record?

She says that since he is afflicted with a non-mental illness disease that requires a lot of meds, they can both relate with having to take a cocktail of med and would equally deal with issues.  So she will take care of him as he with her.  And the fact that she's not a lesbian anymore, she can get legitimately get married and finally settle to adopt a kid and be a family.  That killed me.  I've been wanting the same thing from her!

She used to do webcam work, that's where she met him, but now claims she doesn't want to be appear to be a slut to him and be a proper married lady.  She really wants to make it work!

I have spoken to her in the past about relationship and this trust and communication between two people.  She never understood what it meant, and developed anxiety over the thought of being tied down.  That talk was eight months into our relationship.  Once she just downright blunt that she doesn't want a relationship anymore because she hasn't been attracted to me for two months now.  She thought this way for two months, whaaat? blindsided.  But now she gets the whole relationship thing.  It's as though she learned my good honest values and traits and going to be applying them on him.  She's going to be trying to keep herself in check, he is rich, he has offered to take care of her, her family, provide her with good health care, anything she wishes.

After all this, she tells me she loves me spiritually.  What the heck does that mean? Our love exist in the clouds where she will think of me often because I'm not physically attractive anymore unless I have money?  Then she says well I might be bisexual, and maybe later a lesbian again.  What?

How the heck can two people decide on marriage so quickly?  Howhowhow?  Well, after everything sunk in, I wished her the best of luck, then went back home.  I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I have another one of these mind-bending mini mental breakdown.

Life is strange.

[yaryu]

I broke down though.  I had so much stress placed on me yesterday, losing friends because they are tired of hearing about her, mom berating me for being stupid, my dad is sick.  Not much social support to fall on.  Found out I had to pay $2500 if I want to break my lease or wait into June to move to a different apartment.  I was so depressed, felt so lost and broken.   I sulked back to my apartment and just had to seek companionship to the only person that would give me a big hug, my exBPDgf.   Oh she welcomed me right into her door no problem. 

So she delivers the news of getting married.  We just barely broke up, yet, she has known this person for less than a month, and already they are planning on going to a nice exotic spot to fall in love and hope he proposes to her.  Is that a record?

She says that since he is afflicted with a non-mental illness disease that requires a lot of meds, they can both relate with having to take a cocktail of med and would equally deal with issues.  So she will take care of him as he with her.  And the fact that she's not a lesbian anymore, she can get legitimately get married and finally settle to adopt a kid and be a family.  That killed me.  I've been wanting the same thing from her!

She used to do webcam work, that's where she met him, but now claims she doesn't want to be appear to be a slut to him and be a proper married lady.  She really wants to make it work!

I have spoken to her in the past about relationship and this trust and communication between two people.  She never understood what it meant, and developed anxiety over the thought of being tied down.  That talk was eight months into our relationship.  Once she just downright blunt that she doesn't want a relationship anymore because she hasn't been attracted to me for two months now.  She thought this way for two months, whaaat? blindsided.  But now she gets the whole relationship thing.  It's as though she learned my good honest values and traits and going to be applying them on him.  She's going to be trying to keep herself in check, he is rich, he has offered to take care of her, her family, provide her with good health care, anything she wishes.

After all this, she tells me she loves me spiritually.  What the heck does that mean? Our love exist in the clouds where she will think of me often because I'm not physically attractive anymore unless I have money?  Then she says well I might be bisexual, and maybe later a lesbian again.  What?

How the heck can two people decide on marriage so quickly?  Howhowhow?  Well, after everything sunk in, I wished her the best of luck, then went back home.  I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I have another one of these mind-bending mini mental breakdown.

Life is strange.

[mango_flower]

This is totally my same story! (except my ex is with another girl, she hasn't switched to men!)

It's soul destroying, demoralizing, it breaks your heart.

And I totally relate - I wanted all those things in our future - marriage, children, we had talked about it, planned kids names even... .  

And now she's doing all that with her new girl.  She has already booked the wedding. She wants kids within the next year.  This was supposed to be me!

It truly has broken me as a person... .  but some days I feel a little bit of hope, like maybe I can have all that good stuff with somebody else and none of the emotional turmoil? 

It's just so horrible... .  

If you want to private message me then please do - sounds like we're in a very similar situation! 

xxx

[freshlySane]

Same boat as you yaryu Im a guy my ex was a lesbian or as she said was a exclusive lesbian met me told me i was beyond any man didn't see me as any man and how i was the only man that attracted her she left me for another guy i don't know if she tells him the same. last night i got a email from her a response to my email a week ago. very direct and shockingly nice. on her twitter still showing happiness with her new guy it burned my up im so tired of being angry im just hurt i blame myself but its just hard. your not alone in this

[yaryu]

Sorry you two are going through so much heartbreak and suffering.  It's difficult, and in a way a humiliation, to me to be replaced so quickly after such a bond. It's a slow process to recovery I'm sure, even though it seems like we're spellbound to our exes, but hope we get where we want to be in life!

[freshlySane]

we learn especially here life is real and harsh BPD live in a fantasy perfect person to help them in life. MY ex still needs people to be there for her to always be there for her undying love. I had unconditional love for her nothing she did made me turn away why because im dysfunctional myself but as i do still love her she will never met a person like me again her lost. i to get caught up with her new r/s seeing signs of them workig driving myself crazy but in the end i realize life is real and no amount of signs can discredit fact and she has proven her fact over and over.

[trouble11]

She says that since he is afflicted with a non-mental illness disease that requires a lot of meds, they can both relate with having to take a cocktail of med and would equally deal with issues.  So she will take care of him as he with her.  And the fact that she's not a lesbian anymore, she can get legitimately get married and finally settle to adopt a kid and be a family.  That killed me.  I've been wanting the same thing from her!

She used to do webcam work, that's where she met him, but now claims she doesn't want to be appear to be a slut to him and be a proper married lady.  She really wants to make it work!

She's going to be trying to keep herself in check, he is rich, he has offered to take care of her, her family, provide her with good health care, anything she wishes.

Life is strange.

Yaryu,

I truly get the pain you are in, and wanted to offer that this all sounds like the kind of fantasy land that BPDs often live in.  :)o you know him?  :)o you know that any of this really happened?  I always try to keep in mind the happiness and perfect endings they project is usually from some fictional movie that plays in their heads.  Try not to play the same movie in yours because it's not real.  It's fiction.  I've been out almost five months and only run a mental illness documentary through my head now.  Hope it helps.

[freshlySane]

She says that since he is afflicted with a non-mental illness disease that requires a lot of meds, they can both relate with having to take a cocktail of med and would equally deal with issues.  So she will take care of him as he with her.  And the fact that she's not a lesbian anymore, she can get legitimately get married and finally settle to adopt a kid and be a family.  That killed me.  I've been wanting the same thing from her!

She used to do webcam work, that's where she met him, but now claims she doesn't want to be appear to be a slut to him and be a proper married lady.  She really wants to make it work!

She's going to be trying to keep herself in check, he is rich, he has offered to take care of her, her family, provide her with good health care, anything she wishes.

Life is strange.

Yaryu,

I truly get the pain you are in, and wanted to offer that this all sounds like the kind of fantasy land that BPDs often live in.  :)o you know him?  :)o you know that any of this really happened?  I always try to keep in mind the happiness and perfect endings they project is usually from some fictional movie that plays in their heads.  Try not to play the same movie in yours because it's not real.  It's fiction.  I've been out almost five months and only run a mental illness documentary through my head now.  Hope it helps.

this is so true mine was the notebook and fifty shades of grey how many times i get compared to fictional characters was sickening. we live in the real world. Their is no perfect person only people who are perfect for us and those people have flaws and issues its what they bring to the table that matters what helps me is a quote its corny its from a movie but its so true " it isn't who you are underneath its what you do that defines you"  They are BPD underneath and what they do defines them but when the fantasy dies what they do is the real them. it shows

[yaryu]

Funny how to you mentioned Fifty Shades of Grey because she started reading that book recently.  The whole illusion of this guy probably triggered something which caused her to want to be the girl in that book and experience what she's experiencing.

[yaryu]

She says that since he is afflicted with a non-mental illness disease that requires a lot of meds, they can both relate with having to take a cocktail of med and would equally deal with issues.  So she will take care of him as he with her.  And the fact that she's not a lesbian anymore, she can get legitimately get married and finally settle to adopt a kid and be a family.  That killed me.  I've been wanting the same thing from her!

She used to do webcam work, that's where she met him, but now claims she doesn't want to be appear to be a slut to him and be a proper married lady.  She really wants to make it work!

She's going to be trying to keep herself in check, he is rich, he has offered to take care of her, her family, provide her with good health care, anything she wishes.

Life is strange.

Yaryu,

I truly get the pain you are in, and wanted to offer that this all sounds like the kind of fantasy land that BPDs often live in.  :)o you know him?  :)o you know that any of this really happened?  I always try to keep in mind the happiness and perfect endings they project is usually from some fictional movie that plays in their heads.  Try not to play the same movie in yours because it's not real.  It's fiction.  I've been out almost five months and only run a mental illness documentary through my head now.  Hope it helps.

That's a good point you've presented me with.  All of the information so far has been through her perspective, and none from the guy.  These are all online interactions, so who knows who really is on the other side.  But if the guy is legit, gullible and lonely, she will persuade him to get on that rollercoaster for a sweet ride.

[waitaminute]

Yaryu,

Would you want to be non-mentally ill and reliant on your ex to care for you? omg... .  I can see him asking her for help when she's on her way out the door. I feel sorry for the guy.

And you... .  You're in good company here. Lots of understanding here.

[hithere]

Sounds like you experienced a big slap in face but remember your ex with BPD at one time portrayed their relationship with you as perfect... .  unfortunately they will likely end up the same as yours did.

My ex also seems very happy with her new guy and even though I am still hurt, upset and feel some anger, I really do hope she has changed, that way she won't hurt anyone else... .  but I know the chances are slim-to-none.

[waitaminute]

Btw Yaryu, The "he has money" part... .  From my experience, no matter how unconditional and selfless his financial support is, she will probably translate this to a controlling act from an authority figure. She may even associate it with a parent figure. And you can guess how well that will work out for the new guy.

[recoil]

Btw Yaryu, The "he has money" part... .  From my experience, no matter how unconditional and selfless his financial support is, she will probably translate this to a controlling act from an authority figure. She may even associate it with a parent figure. And you can guess how well that will work out for the new guy.

I am *that guy*. 

In the end, she felt like I "expected" too much from her, although I had begun to expect almost nothing (relationship wasn't reciprocal in the least).  I asked her for an example and she couldn't provide any, not one single instance.

Truth be told, I should have expected more.  I should have demanded more from the relationship.  When she wanted a "break", I said let's make it a "break-up".  That was almost a month ago.

I gave her everything money could buy - but you can't fill up a bucket with so many holes.  There isn't enough money in the world to do that.

[waitaminute]

Recoil,

Just a data point in case you are wondering if you gave too much.

I gave her the basic things. She was actually very frugal and lived simply. I never ... .  And I mean never ... .  held it over her head. I just provided it.

But she constantly accused me of using it to control her. I went further after I heard these accusations and gave her enough money that she could walk away from me if she found someone new and have enough for several months while she established a life without me. I got up every morning and went to work to provide for her. I had no big pot of money like she must have thought. And when I broke up and said goodbye to her, I sent her enough to live for 6 to 12 months. It would have been obvious to a normal person that I wanted nothing in return. Yet she sent me a text during one of her "paint waitaminute black" moments that accused me of trying to buy her soul with all of my money.

It was nothing but projection of her own guilt for all the lies and deceit she gave me.

Too much, too little,... .  It makes no difference. She did the same with her mother too, who tried to help her.

[freshlySane]

Recoil,

Just a data point in case you are wondering if you gave too much.

I gave her the basic things. She was actually very frugal and lived simply. I never ... .  And I mean never ... .  held it over her head. I just provided it.

But she constantly accused me of using it to control her. I went further after I heard these accusations and gave her enough money that she could walk away from me if she found someone new and have enough for several months while she established a life without me. I got up every morning and went to work to provide for her. I had no big pot of money like she must have thought. And when I broke up and said goodbye to her, I sent her enough to live for 6 to 12 months. It would have been obvious to a normal person that I wanted nothing in return. Yet she sent me a text during one of her "paint waitaminute black" moments that accused me of trying to buy her soul with all of my money.

It was nothing but projection of her own guilt for all the lies and deceit she gave me.

Too much, too little,... .  It makes no difference. She did the same with her mother too, who tried to help her.

wow that's scary i was ruminating on this early today my friend said to me i wasn't emotionally supportive to her only financial as she complained about everything i did.  i felt like i did not give it my all after all. My mother told me stop listening to my friend the things i did was both financial and emotionally supportive nothing i could've done would of changed that nothing  now seeing this post i feel more secure that what i did was give her all of me out of love and she couldn't handle that or wanted that it burns but actually its soothing to know it wasn't me. and like you she said all i did was buy her love and the kids love. completely false i was there for her in anyway shape and form.

[waitaminute]

Yaryu,

Didn't mean to take your thread in this direction. Maybe this topic of money deserves a new thread.

But for you, bottom line is that the new guy will face these problems too. So don't feel like you did something wrong or didn't do enough. Just heal... .  Like all of us are trying to do.

[yaryu]

Yaryu,

Didn't mean to take your thread in this direction. Maybe this topic of money deserves a new thread.

But for you, bottom line is that the new guy will face these problems too. So don't feel like you did something wrong or didn't do enough. Just heal... .  Like all of us are trying to do.

Thanks for the kind words, and thanks everybody for offering perspective in the matter.  It's been a real eyeopener to me, that whatever I do can never be enough to calm the turbulence, even if I had a money tree growing in my backyard.  Perhaps this topic deserves a new thread because I'm curious to hear from other people.

[recoil]

It was nothing but projection of her own guilt for all the lies and deceit she gave me.

Now that makes sense.  Mine was projecting her guilt that she wasn't doing enough for me unto me, as if I were saying those things (I wasn't -- should have been though).

Very interesting.