How to... or do I... back away...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok, so I reconnect after years away, she's more often than not disconnected and flakey, she throws out the standard 'hooks' to draw me back in, disappears and doesn't respond to messages when she doesn't need anything and then pops back on the radar only when she wants to do something.

So, to start I opened the door to this whole thing with the thought that I was ok with and wanting a friendship, but as we all know with pwBPD this isn't always easy.  And now I've met a new gal and I'm wondering do I stay in a relationship with this woman or would it be smarter to back away?

One other piece, my BPDex had been off the radar and not responding to messages and just reached out yesterday again... .  I don't feel like 100% NC would be good/nice... .  but I haven't responded to her invite to hang out this week yet either... .  

[NewStart]

Ok, so I reconnect after years away, she's more often than not disconnected and flakey, she throws out the standard 'hooks' to draw me back in, disappears and doesn't respond to messages when she doesn't need anything and then pops back on the radar only when she wants to do something.

So, to start I opened the door to this whole thing with the thought that I was ok with and wanting a friendship, but as we all know with pwBPD this isn't always easy.  And now I've met a new gal and I'm wondering do I stay in a relationship with this woman or would it be smarter to back away?

One other piece, my BPDex had been off the radar and not responding to messages and just reached out yesterday again... .  I don't feel like 100% NC would be good/nice... .  but I haven't responded to her invite to hang out this week yet either... .  

[saitek]

I don't know much... .  but from personal experience I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, the longer you drag on with a pwBPD the harder it gets to detach. I've been married to my BPD wife for 8 years and time has only made it harder for me to make a choice and I still haven't cut the cord yet and I still don't know if I can or when I will. If you have feelings for this new person you should cut loose sooner than later and move on.

Ultimately your BPDex is in charge of her own life, not you. I've been told that letting go of that chunk of guilt is the right path, though I find it hard to walk that road... .  but alas I have many other circumstances hindering my choice.

[OTH]

You seem very confused and troubled by reengaging in the r/s again. This doesn't seem to be a positive development for your life at all. Rather the complicating your feelings by starting another relationship on top of it how about giving yourself a "time out" to let your emotions settle again?

Ok, so I reconnect after years away, she's more often than not disconnected and flakey, she throws out the standard 'hooks' to draw me back in, disappears and doesn't respond to messages when she doesn't need anything and then pops back on the radar only when she wants to do something.

So, to start I opened the door to this whole thing with the thought that I was ok with and wanting a friendship, but as we all know with pwBPD this isn't always easy.  And now I've met a new gal and I'm wondering do I stay in a relationship with this woman or would it be smarter to back away?

One other piece, my BPDex had been off the radar and not responding to messages and just reached out yesterday again... .  I don't feel like 100% NC would be good/nice... .  but I haven't responded to her invite to hang out this week yet either... .  

[Phoenix.Rising]

I agree with OTH.

[NewStart]

I've taken a few years off of any serious relationships and I'm taking it slow with this new gal but I'm not going to sit this one out because I really do like this new woman. 

As for BPDex, yup I waited and kindly replied today that my schedule was busy and yeah after being off the radar she of course responded right away... .  yup, never changes.

So I think  in some ways I'd really like to see if it's possible to keep a mild friendship with my BPDex, but do have reservations about how she'll behave as times/relationships change.

[rosannadanna]

Does the woman you are currently dating know about your friendship with your ex?

[NewStart]

I told her I'm friends with my ex's but nothing further than that.

[OTH]

So I think  in some ways I'd really like to see if it's possible to keep a mild friendship with my BPDex, but do have reservations about how she'll behave as times/relationships change.

Does your new r/s need this? If you are actually happy persuing the new one why persue the old one? What do you hope continued contact brings you?

[NewStart]

OTH - I think you're probably right, I can be cordial when I see my BPDex but what really would the point be of keeping her in my life?

I guess we all remember the ex's hanging around our pwBPD and wondered why and got all the lame answers... .  none of which made sense to us.  I'm thinking the answer is if I'm truly wanting to build something with this new woman WHY or WHAT would I gain by spending any time/energy with my BPDex?

[OTH]

Exactly. You were away for two years. You reengaged. She showed you the same push/pull dynamic as before. This is how she engages in relationships. Can you see that this is just a part of who she is? It shouldn't come as a surprise to you. Let it sink in so you can move on. The push/pull dynamic is probably even more sensitive now that you have the baggage of a failed r/s together. Probably a good thing. It makes it harder to make the same mistakes again.  

OTH - I think you're probably right, I can be cordial when I see my BPDex but what really would the point be of keeping her in my life?

I guess we all remember the ex's hanging around our pwBPD and wondered why and got all the lame answers... .  none of which made sense to us.  I'm thinking the answer is if I'm truly wanting to build something with this new woman WHY or WHAT would I gain by spending any time/energy with my BPDex?