BPD and RAD relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi   I'm not sure this is the exact right board for this question, so please feel free to redirect me if not!

The scenario: my uBPD19 brother ("James" has been in an on-again-off-again relationship with his 20 year old diagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder girlfriend ("Sara" for about a year and a half. The relationship is very toxic, and my brother even says that he "wants to break up with her" but he "loves her and doesn't want to hurt her". They currently live together (in an apartment my parents are paying for) and have been for some time (and with another roommate). Every several weeks to a month they end up having a fight so big that my parents and/or the police are called (last month Sara broke James' nose and both of them destroyed various pieces of each other's property). James routinely verbally abuses Sara and takes offense at everything. Sara is frantically clingy and will throw a fit if James seems at all serious about breaking up (even if Sara is the one who initially did the breaking up).

But even after all of this, James will not kick Sara out, and Sara will not leave. My parents have nicely tried to do all they could; Sara's parents have offered to help pay for her school and have her live with her aunt if she'll move back down. But no, apparently they'd rather be miserable together than move on. I suppose since my parents are paying the rent on the apartment, they could technically get the police involved and kick Sara out if they really wanted to, but a) they're in a town several hours away, b) my brother would probably become very angry and Sara would become very unstrung if this happened, and c) my brother has already been in trouble with the law and is supposed to be under a house arrest sort of thing, so getting police involved is not ideal.

I guess I'm just looking for any insight here... .  Can anyone relate? Is there anything I (or anyone) could say or do to help this situation? Personally, if I were in Sara's shoes, I would be too afraid of my brother to live with him, but I know her own issues with RAD cause her a lot of issues with dependency.

[Elfie]

Hi   I'm not sure this is the exact right board for this question, so please feel free to redirect me if not!

The scenario: my uBPD19 brother ("James" has been in an on-again-off-again relationship with his 20 year old diagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder girlfriend ("Sara" for about a year and a half. The relationship is very toxic, and my brother even says that he "wants to break up with her" but he "loves her and doesn't want to hurt her". They currently live together (in an apartment my parents are paying for) and have been for some time (and with another roommate). Every several weeks to a month they end up having a fight so big that my parents and/or the police are called (last month Sara broke James' nose and both of them destroyed various pieces of each other's property). James routinely verbally abuses Sara and takes offense at everything. Sara is frantically clingy and will throw a fit if James seems at all serious about breaking up (even if Sara is the one who initially did the breaking up).

But even after all of this, James will not kick Sara out, and Sara will not leave. My parents have nicely tried to do all they could; Sara's parents have offered to help pay for her school and have her live with her aunt if she'll move back down. But no, apparently they'd rather be miserable together than move on. I suppose since my parents are paying the rent on the apartment, they could technically get the police involved and kick Sara out if they really wanted to, but a) they're in a town several hours away, b) my brother would probably become very angry and Sara would become very unstrung if this happened, and c) my brother has already been in trouble with the law and is supposed to be under a house arrest sort of thing, so getting police involved is not ideal.

I guess I'm just looking for any insight here... .  Can anyone relate? Is there anything I (or anyone) could say or do to help this situation? Personally, if I were in Sara's shoes, I would be too afraid of my brother to live with him, but I know her own issues with RAD cause her a lot of issues with dependency.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi Elfie

It sure sounds like a very unfortunate situation your brother and his girlfriend are in... .  

Unfortunate for everyone involved, unfortunate because it's a train crash waiting to happen, unfortunate because there's very little you can do about it.

I'd say that's the key: accepting you can't do much about it. It's not your relation, it's not your house etc.

Of course it's your brother so naturally you're concerned, even though he's not innocent either.

The main insight I can give you is to not get emotionally involved in it. Whatever is going to happen will happen and by feeling calm and relatively unattached you give yourself the best chance to handle what may come.

Also, the concern and influence of others may actually make matters worse if not done right. If at one point you have reasons to think it goes out of hand you could call the police yourself about domestic disturbance. However, that might make your brother mad at you... .  

Do reward good behaviour but set clear limits about what you want to know or talk about.

Hoping it won't go down too far... .  Best wishes