Completely lost and helpless looking for advice

[trampledfoot]

My BPD gf and I have been on and off for about 2 1/2 years and we just reconciled again in late October.  Things were ok but still rough and i was working on all the things that she said "I have a problem with."  Anyways she was constantly pressuring me all the time to live together, what about marriage, etc.  Her other great fault with me is that she complains "if we were meant to be you would want to spend every second of every day with me and go everywhere with me."  I do enjoy being with her but i also feel that i like to have time with just my friends and I which i think is normal correct?  Is this a typical BPD thing to request.

Anyways two days ago she texts me seemingly out of nowhere "this isnt for me any more I dont feel the way about you like I used to." She wants to break up with me and cut all ties with again seemingly out of left field. 

I spoke to her this not and we had a long extremely emotional(for me) talk whereby i asked her to please please come see a therapist with em lets work on out issues.  She has always refused to see a therapist and her response was I dont see the point in working on something that I dont want any more.  Her rational was she felt like she would rather hang out with her friends some nights than me so that means she doesnt want to be with me any more.  Like I said through a great deal of slow and drawn out talking I tried to convince her to see a therapist with me.  She said No its over  and I left with a  garbage bag full of my stuff and in tears. 

During this whole time she showed almost no emotion whatsoever as if she had made up her mind and wanted to be done and couldn't even give me a hug as I left.


What can I do?  What should I do?  I want to be with her because I love her but I dont want it to be how it has been.  I only learned that she is almost certainly a BPD a month or so ago and I dont want to go on without therapy. However, this doesnt even sound like an option as she says she has no desire to continue trying a relationship with me?


Thoughts, Help, Advice... .  Thanks all

[blecker]

During this whole time she showed almost no emotion whatsoever as if she had made up her mind and wanted to be done and couldn't even give me a hug as I left.

Think on this. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who could discard you so easily?

If you can find the awswer to this then you can begin to end the certain abuse you have been suffering.

[wanttoknowmore]

Trampledfoot,

It's very hard when someone you care for and love,abruptly want to break up and discard you. I am going through this type of pain and members at this board have been great help to understand and advice about right way to handle it.

Here are my 2 cents. I learnt that when they try to suddenly break up it is not good to plead,push for continued friendship. The best course of action is to say " I respect your decision and if ever want to talk about continuing our friendship, i will be glad to talk to you." "i still care about you and love you but your happiness is my prime concern whether we are together or not."

Leave it at that and give her space. It was hard. I could not detach with love and I made the situation worse by keeping contact .Now, I am giving her space. Its not easy but seems the correct approach.

[bpdex]

RUN! and move on with your life   Easier said than done I know.  There are plenty of other fish in the sea.  Love shouldn't be as difficult as she makes it to be.  However, from reading your other posts it seems to me that she's a completely toxic person.  Why would you want to be with someone who hates all of your friends with no apparent reasoning?  From my perspective she's incapable of loving anyone and will never be satisfied in any relationship.  So why put yourself through that?

[trampledfoot]

Thanks all.  I felt a lot better today.  I really appreciate all the support and advice.  I feel a sense of calm rationalization when I think that without her getting help or us getting help together this relationship cannot continue without destroying my life, changing my personality, and costing me many healthy realtionships with great friends. I had debated leaving her and tried countless times but I always stayed because I felt like the problems in the realtionship were all my fault.  After spending a lot of time on this forum I learn that this isnt the case its not all my fault. While I care about her I have offered her help and if she isnt not willing to take it then we cannot go on.   I am excited to live each day without constantly being afraid of my every move in fear that i will upset her.

I left her with the notion of I want to keep trying but not unless we/you get help.  If she comes back I will see where I am at that point in my life and if she agress to help then maybe try again.  If not then I have learned a great deal about myself and others because of this experience.

[bpdex]

Look up the term "recycle" and "codependence" on the boards here and you'll see that even if she does want to get back together later, you'll like have the same result if you allow it. 

If I were you, I would Never look back and concentrate on just being happy by yourself for awhile and then move on.  I'd also recommend blocking her calls and emails, because I have no doubt that she'll probably want to recycle you again and again.  You have to resist that temptation and realize that even though you may love her, she's incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved, because she doesn't love herself.

The more you read on here, the more you'll realize this is the best thing that's happened to you.  So embrace it!

[trampledfoot]

BPDex

Thank you that is really good advice. I have already had so much success thanks to this board.  It is just a shame i found this board and found out about BPD 2 years + too late. Every time i read more posts I feel more comforted and more things are explained.  The most important thing i have learned is that I have come to realize "this isnt all my fault" which is what kept drawing me back to her.

[bpdex]

Also, if you aren't already, get to the gym and start working out and occupying your time that you would normally have spent with her.  Working out will help you build up your self-esteem, which likely has suffered by being with someone like her for 2+ years.  Get active and do things for yourself and just enjoy life.  Before you know it, you'll be glad you did.

[trampledfoot]

BPDex

I have been back at the gym.  I have always been very active in the gym 3-5 times a week minimum i find it a necessity in my life.  Unfortunately, this was something we argued about a lot she felt the "gym" was more important to me than her.  i tried hundreds of times to let her know it wasn't more important it just kept me feeling healthy.

[bpdex]

That figures.  My experience is they want to continue to drag you down to their level.  It's a terribly unhealthy situation.  Again, be glad she's out of your life.