just found out daughter DANCING

[mggt]

JUST FOUND OUT MY D 20 IS GO GO DANCING.  OMG she has a 1 year old daughter who is currently living with us until sunday.  My d said moving out half hour away.  This is the last straw Between her anger and moods and BPD now this .  How can I let her take her daughter our gd I have been torn between trying to get custody of gd But how do I do that I know it will be quite nasty because  I will have to bring up her BPD diagnosis and tell all of the awful storys about her her exbf and family will find out and everyone else I know this probably sounds crazy so what if everyone finds out! But my d whole life I have been protecting her from harm trying my best But she just keeps on doing dangerous things.  Ikeep hoping she will change.  She promised she was not dancing  I found out through some investigating on  my own.  She constantly lies and I cant trust a word she says.  I love her deeply but now there is my gd. How do I trash my d in public and will  I win custody .  Will d threaten suicide like she has done in past , will this totally destroy her and she may try suicide like she has in past How can I live with myself either way . Any advice welcome especially from grandparents thankyou thankyou

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JulySky]

mggt:

First, stop and take some deep breaths, take a walk, ask someone if they've got a good joke, treat yourself to a fine meal or a relaxing bath.  Take care of yourself.  When you're ready, break up your concerns into sections.

You've been told by your daughter that she's moving 1/2 hour away with your gd on Sunday.  Really?  She knows it's your last straw.  So, please relax and spin gold.

It's doubtful that your daughter intends on carrying out her threat; however, if she does, deal with it by allowing her to go through with it.  Done.

Don't worry about others finding out about her affliction.  People who know her already suspect something is very wrong.

You're not trashing your d by describing her behavior in a public court, if it comes to that.  You're bringing attention to a little-understood sickness, and protecting your gd.  If you do decide to go to court, prepare yourself by hiring an attorney, jotting down your daughter's threats ver batim to the best of your ability after-the-fact, and making a list of the dangerous things she's done in the past and right now. Once you've done this, read a good book or watch a movie, anything to take your mind off the unpleasant, but necessay work.

Keep calm and care for yourself.  You are trying to save your daughter from herself, and her daughter from her, but to do so you must remain cool and strong.

The rest is up to her.

The grandparents on this board will provide you with their advice.  They have been through it.

[mggt]

Thank you for your response I willl keep all that in mind.  Do you have any grandchildren ?  I know what I have to do But ... .  so hard to do .

[qcarolr]

mggt -

I know how much you have been struggling with your options around the best for your little gd. And at the same time, we love our big girls too and just cannot fathom their actions. BPD is so hard on everyone involved.

Did you consult with a family attorney? Sorry if you already answered this on a previous thread. To know what the laws are for your state - this is really really important. If you feel there is neglect happening with your gd, and you are keeping a log of this, there may be a time to get your local county child services involved - that is a hard choice also.

Your concerns about protecting your D and her issues becoming 'public': is this more focused on your family finding out? About your D's anger at you for sharing this information? fear of reprisal against you by limiting contact with your gd? If you are able to talk a little more about your fears with this, maybe we could better give you the support you need.

It is so very hard to give up our expectations for our kids - it just plain HURTS. There is so much anger covering up the grief and loss. I have accepted a lot of things around my DD26's  BPD. One of the first was accepting that I was grieving the loss of the daughter I hoped for.  This letting go of my D though allowed me enough freedom from my fears around D to be more clear headed in my decisions to care for and protect my gd. We took over as her primary caregivers when she was 8 months old. She will soon be 8 years old. She is the truly innocent victim in my story.

I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers, that you will receive the guidance you need and the courage and strength to make the tough choices facing you.

qcr  

[mggt]

Dear qcarolr  Long story  But we have our gd for now . Thanks for your support

[dmiller]

mggt   , I know this has to be very hard. Because I do have gks and I have had to deal with a similar situation with my daughter before. I had gotten actually to the paperwork part but she made some very good choices and it changed everything. She's been fine since. Certainly the main concern here is your gd. Her well being. I am not sure if you mentioned before... .  is your d a good parent? Does she care for the gd like she should? I am sure with her being BPD there are times that probably has been maybe questionable. I think you have to decide how drastic would it be to remove her from her Mother and is the circumstances or environment so bad that her well being is in question at times. If so, then no doubt the child is innocent and needs to be taken care of. But know that once something like this is done, it brings other issues between you and your d and also your d and your gd. Good luck. It's a hard place to be. My prayers are for God guidance to you.   

[vivekananda]

It seems that you are very worried for your gd as well as your dd. And of course you are frustrated with your dd's choices. I believe these emotions are not good places to be making decisions, they will cloud your logic.

You have recieved some good advice here. If you wish to have formal custody of your gd, it is important to think through things with a clear mind and to seek legal advice.

Find balance within yourself and let us know how you are going, ok?

I'm not a granma, sorry I don't have first hand experience of how it feels even if I do understand it at one level.

Take care mggt,

Vivek    

[mggt]

Trying to do the right thing for my d and gd .  I truly believe right now my d is not  in  a good place to be  caring for our gd.  Her temper is out of control and we have witnessed her anger many times when she is holding our gd.  So how long do I let this go on ... .  Do i just hope and wait that she will change.  I have been hoping for years .  I will just have to do what I feel is best for everyone , and risk losing or  d and gd.  As I write this there is still  no good answer I guess Im hoping for a miracle to turn this crazy life into a  normal one . 

[qcarolr]

mggt - this is a really hard place to be. I vacilate through this still, even as things are so much better in my home with me, dh, BPDDD26 and gd7.

My perception is there are several relationships here that are each of great value for you. This creates an internal conflict and so much mental and emotional distress it shuts down the ability to seperate them and think clearly of all the options and balance each risk and benefit. I am a list person - words are my friend. So I make a chart of each possiblility - regardless of how impossible it seems - and list all the risks and benefits. Then with it in black and white I can better sort out what I AM WILLING TO RISK. It is good to also include what outside support is there for each option.

Assume/Accept that your D will not change when going through this process. Remember that of course she will change - that is a given. We just cannot predict if it will be toward or away from what WE WANT. It will be what SHE WANTS. For purposes of decidion making this letting go of outcomes if vital.

Can you come back and share with us all the possible options you can think of? First step. Do you need some suggestions to help you get started?

Consider the relationships involved:

• You and D
  
  You and gd
  
  D and gd
  
  Is there a daddy in this picture
  
  

That is enough to start, huh?

[/list]

Also be cautious - our bodies respond to all this conflict too. For me it shut down my immune system in several ways so I ended up in the hospital several times: When we were attempting to get guardianship for gd at 9 mos; when we were petitioning for custody at 15 mos., when we evicted DD when gd was age 4 knowing she would be homeless. How are you taking care of yourself to manage the stress of this chaos?

I look forward to hearing back from you. You and your D and gd are in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr