Ugh. Run in with ex. Feeling sick.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been divorced from uBPDexh for over a year now. Things have been going relatively smooth the past couple months with sharing custody of S8. We have been able to communicate about son and make time changes as necessary to accommodate son and work schedules.

Today S8 is scheduled to go to ex's house at 3:30, normally after school. Son is sick and not in school today. I am able to take him to work with me. It is ex's day off. I text him son is sick, you can pick him up anytime after 10 a.m. at work. Ex says no, because he has been trespassed from my work (true, but we have done exchanges in the parking lot no problem in past) and tells me to drop him off at his house. I tell him no problem, I'll drop him off at 3:30 p.m. At this point I am at work, getting read to open.

Ex texts he's coming to the parking lot across the street and I need to meet him there. I just stopped responding to texts because he's accusing me of being uncooperative, not communicating and being ridiculous. He tells me the police are on their way. Pretty soon he's honking outside of work. Before S8 can get his shoes on, ex has the door to work open yelling at me and telling me police are coming. I tell him fine, I'll keep S8 inside until after talking to police. I have to tell ex many times, quite loudly to close the door.

I talk to police. Officer listened, but didn't really understand. He said it was up to me what to do. I said I'd have one of my family members drop son off at ex's house at 3:30.

Got email from ex saying he isn't going to stray from the custody schedule anymore (it was no problem last weekend when it benefited ex) and I can't take son on Saturday to prearranged activity. Apparently ex is going to miss work so he can take him instead.

I hate this feeling. I try not to let him get to me, but when he is here yelling at me again I can't help it. I don't know what I was supposed to do. I gave him 2 reasonable scenarios today and he didn't like either. He was pissed when I would cave and do it his way when I wanted. Why should I keep responding to his texts when he is getting intimidating and threatening?

My only goal for today was to arrange it for my sick son to be home with his dad for the day, but I couldn't do it without feeling like I was telling ex it is ok to treat me like crap. It's not and I am so done putting up with it.

[Free One]

I've been divorced from uBPDexh for over a year now. Things have been going relatively smooth the past couple months with sharing custody of S8. We have been able to communicate about son and make time changes as necessary to accommodate son and work schedules.

Today S8 is scheduled to go to ex's house at 3:30, normally after school. Son is sick and not in school today. I am able to take him to work with me. It is ex's day off. I text him son is sick, you can pick him up anytime after 10 a.m. at work. Ex says no, because he has been trespassed from my work (true, but we have done exchanges in the parking lot no problem in past) and tells me to drop him off at his house. I tell him no problem, I'll drop him off at 3:30 p.m. At this point I am at work, getting read to open.

Ex texts he's coming to the parking lot across the street and I need to meet him there. I just stopped responding to texts because he's accusing me of being uncooperative, not communicating and being ridiculous. He tells me the police are on their way. Pretty soon he's honking outside of work. Before S8 can get his shoes on, ex has the door to work open yelling at me and telling me police are coming. I tell him fine, I'll keep S8 inside until after talking to police. I have to tell ex many times, quite loudly to close the door.

I talk to police. Officer listened, but didn't really understand. He said it was up to me what to do. I said I'd have one of my family members drop son off at ex's house at 3:30.

Got email from ex saying he isn't going to stray from the custody schedule anymore (it was no problem last weekend when it benefited ex) and I can't take son on Saturday to prearranged activity. Apparently ex is going to miss work so he can take him instead.

I hate this feeling. I try not to let him get to me, but when he is here yelling at me again I can't help it. I don't know what I was supposed to do. I gave him 2 reasonable scenarios today and he didn't like either. He was pissed when I would cave and do it his way when I wanted. Why should I keep responding to his texts when he is getting intimidating and threatening?

My only goal for today was to arrange it for my sick son to be home with his dad for the day, but I couldn't do it without feeling like I was telling ex it is ok to treat me like crap. It's not and I am so done putting up with it.

[sad but wiser]

Hi Freeone.  I had the same problem with texts.  For some reason, he seemed to think he could text whatever he wanted and it wouldn't matter.  I told him I wasn't reading his texts anymore and stuck with it when he sent one more to see if I meant it.  Regarding having your son at home with Dad v. going to your work or something else, it may seem like a better scenario for your son, but reality is usually not reasonable.  I think you would be better off just sticking strictly to the official schedule.  That way, you would know what was coming.  He might be flaky about it, but it is a third party, so there's no foundation for him blaming you and no excuse for yelling at you.  Just my two cents. Best of luck.

[Free One]

Sadbutwiser -

Yes, it probably is better to stick to the official plan. Just frustrating when I know son would benefit from us being able to communicate without incident. The hardest part is sometimes ex can do that and sometimes not. I never know what to expect, and expecting the unexpected is not easy for me.

[DreamGirl]

Sounds like he was having a bad day. 

I feel like it becomes a practice in being non-reactionary - even to the ugliness.

I also think in the first couple of years it's OK to adhere to the court order as an absolute. It allows the room to become accustomed to it... .  and not worry about any back and forth like this.

I'm sorry you and your kiddo had to go thru this... .  I'm hoping that you at least set the boundary that you won't "react" when he's being erratic.

One strategy that my husband uses that helps him is that he usually doesn't "ignore" her suddenly - because that can get her fired up worse then the arguing. He might of just said, "I think it's best we leave this be for now, we're both getting too upset to comminucate effectively, I'll just drop him off at 3:30pm like originally planned"

He tends to be more of a calming entity when it comes to her, though - and it leaves him open to the moments that she can't regulate her emotions very well and ends up yelling at him. She also know that when she yells, that he'll stop the conversation. Like a broken record he states "If yelling is going to be a part of this, I'm not going to take part in it"

I don't like being yelled at. I just walk away with an "I'm not gonna do this". That works for me and her. 

I think you did good. 

[Free One]

Sounds like he was having a bad day. 

I feel like it becomes a practice in being non-reactionary - even to the ugliness.

I also think in the first couple of years it's OK to adhere to the court order as an absolute. It allows the room to become accustomed to it... .  and not worry about any back and forth like this.

I'm sorry you and your kiddo had to go thru this... .  I'm hoping that you at least set the boundary that you won't "react" when he's being erratic.

One strategy that my husband uses that helps him is that he usually doesn't "ignore" her suddenly - because that can get her fired up worse then the arguing. He might of just said, "I think it's best we leave this be for now, we're both getting too upset to comminucate effectively, I'll just drop him off at 3:30pm like originally planned"

He tends to be more of a calming entity when it comes to her, though - and it leaves him open to the moments that she can't regulate her emotions very well and ends up yelling at him. She also know that when she yells, that he'll stop the conversation. Like a broken record he states "If yelling is going to be a part of this, I'm not going to take part in it"

I don't like being yelled at. I just walk away with an "I'm not gonna do this". That works for me and her. 

I think you did good. 

Thanks. It does take work and practice not to be reactionary. I can see your point on not suddenly ignoring. Wasn't really my intent, but if I haven't responded within 1-2 minutes, he starts to get nasty. He doesn't seem to get that I have a life and am busy living it. I can't always text immediately (especially since i don't text while driving). I think the way your husband would handle it may work for me, if I can stay calm and think about it.

Bottom line is, just because I might've worded things differently or had a different approach, doesn't give him the right to come yell at me at work. I do feel like that boundary was reinforced today, which is good. I feel like I'm able to look at it and not feel guilty about not being perfect in my handling of it. That's important for me, and at least feels like progress.

[Free One]

After a relaxing evening and a good night's sleep, I feel so much better. The "crazy" of the situation is so clear today. I gave him option to pick up S8. He said no and asked me to drop son off. I said yes, and gave the time I could - still within parenting plan. Should have been end of discussion. Period. I didn't do anything wrong, and his actions were not justified.

This feels good. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can not take undue guilt and not internalize his actions. Yay!

[sad but wiser]

Good job, Freeone! 

Keep remembering who you are dealing with, and stop walking on eggshells.  He will get the picture soon enough that your boundries are there and not to be broken. 

Also, maybe take a hint from the musical, "Oklahoma."  "I'm not saying that I'm better than anybody else, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good!" 

[DreamGirl]

I didn't do anything wrong, and his actions were not justified.

I agree.  

[Free One]

"I'm not saying that I'm better than anybody else, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good!" 

LOVE IT!