How do you convince a BPD son of 20 to get help?

[Tempest]

 Are there any good tips for persuading someone with BPD to get help?  Ahhhhh the frustration!  My son has been hospitalized, short term,  a total of 4 times for threatening suicide, but is released because he knows how to play game.  He comes home, refuses to take any medication he is given or attend follow up appointments.  It seems a futile waste of time and money when these hospital visits evoke no change or improvment.  Almost on a daily basis he tells me how depressed he is and that he wants to kill himself, but he wont get help.  I am at the point where I don't know if this him trying to manipulate me or whether he truly feels that way.  He exhibits the classic mood swings from high to low in rapid succession ... .  today's low was sparked by a bad haircut, which incidentally is my fault because I drove him to the hairdressers and I paid!  Last week he made threats of suicide to a former girlfriend ... .  I found the facebook message a few days later.       

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Hi Tempest,

What is your son doing with his time and his life?  Can you give us a few details about how he is managing with school/work, relationships, etc.

It helps to know some of the story, as people here will be able to give you lots of support, strategies and information.

Reality

[Kate4queen]

I wish I knew.

I'm not even sure if my 21 yr old BPD son knows his diagnosis or not, I suspect it's been mentioned but he would never discuss it with us because in his view we have it and we are the problem.

Is he generally able to get by in life and just suddenly crashes and burns? Can he hold down a job, or is he in college? Does he live with you?

What you decide to do depends a lot on your individual situation as we have all kinds of experiences here.

I think you are in the right place although the answers are never easy.

[vivekananda]

Hi Tempest,

Welcome to our board here. You are in a good place to raise your concerns about your son here. There are many of us who understand what it feels like, based on our own experiences with our children.

You sound frustrated indeed and of course worried for your boy. It is so hard to be the parent of a 'child' with BPD. There are answers here, but as Kate4Queen says, they are not always so easy. Do you remember being 21 and your mum wanting you to do something you didn't want to do... .  ? How did that work out?

Our children with BPD don't see things the same way we do, do they? Their view of the world is a bit different to ours. What I have learnt from being involved on the site here has given me hope for my dd (dear daughter). I have learnt techniques to help me improve my relationship with her and I have learnt lots about BPD. I do encourage you to begin to learn as much as you can also, there are lots of excellent resources available here. I have included a link for you to learn a bit about values based boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=28562039cdc24e5da8b5821995408511&topic=61684.0;all

Please explore all we have to offer here and feel free to ask any questions at all.

As Reality suggests, it is helpful if you can tell us more of your situation. While all of us parents experience the same things with our children,  there are differences depending on the circumstances: we all understand the frustration, the anxiety, the grieving, but our children are all different too.

Finally, it is hard when we think our children may be trying to manipulate us, but really they do have a mental illness and what appears to us to be manipulation may not be the case at all.

Take care Tempest,

Vivek ananda   

[daze]

I don't know if this would help, but you could share some of the histories of people on this website and ask him if that's how he wants to live.

 

[jellibeans]

Tempest

Need more info... .  It is hard to make a BPD get help... .  they don't think they need help... .  it is everyone else's fault. Yes the hair cut was your fault! Just kidding... .  How are you keeping him safe at home? at times my home is like a war zone... .  I am sure you have taken  everything away... .  

Is there anything he wants... .  car? phone? internet access... .  maybe you can take these things away... .  until he goes to counseling. What would happen if you told him you made an appointment and that you were going to go with him the first time. Maybe by offering to go with him that might get him to go... .  

Have you tried any natural vitamins... .  maybe he would take that and that could help with his mood. Take care and keep posting... .  

[daze]

Krill oil is a good one to help with dysregulation.

[somuchlove]

I am so glad you are here.  There is so much to learn and many good people here to help.  I can tell you that it has taken me a long time to realize, in my situation at least, I will probably not be the one to get her to counseling.  The last couple books I have read have reinforced this.  What I am realizing that I have to build a relationship with my BPD dd of trust and understanding her feelings, etc etc... .  I hope you have a relationship with your son that you can validate his feeling, etc.  Keep reading and loving your son.  We are here for you.

[MammaMia]

This is so difficult because your son is an adult.  Have you received any information on his medical/mental status from his hospital visits?  If he did not completely bluff his way out of it, he was probably medicated, told he needed therapy, and released.  There is no follow-up on recommendations made by the hospital, and, in fact, no information will be shared with parents unless the patient gives permission.  So... .  they do nothing.  However, suicide threats cannot be ignored, regardless of their source... .  whether it be mental illness or a method of manipulation.

I know the hell of living with the fear of an adult child threatening suicide... .  I would leave for work (divorced mom) never knowing what I would find when I got home.  My son refused to answer the phone, so there was no way to check on him during the day, and even when there is someone else in the home, it is impossible to watch them 24/7.  He was in and out of 72-hour holds four times and jail many times.  Attended therapy briefly, but stopped because the doctor was too stupid to be alive... .  He tried different medications which were court-ordered and most of which made him worse.  It was not just depression.

My son self-medicated with alcohol until he ended up in prison for felony DUI (refusal to test actually).  That is where he was diagnosed with BPD with schizo-affective components and received treatment.  

Your son will most likely fight you every step of the way where treatment is concerned.

It is so difficult for us to understand why someone we love continues to live a tormented life when they CAN get help.  Getting them to accept help and stay with the program is the real issue, and it is very, very difficult.   Denial is a HUGE component of BPD and other mental illnesses.  

I wish you luck.  There is no easy way to deal with this.   While getting care for your son, you must learn how to take care of yourself, because mental illness (especially BPD) consumes not only its primary victim, but everyone who loves and cares for that person.  

Welcome to BPD Family.  I hope we can be of help to you and your son.