My H's ex wants control

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I just want to take a moment to vent.  It is the same old story with my H's ex.  She wants control of the world.  Everytime we are to have the kids she demands something.  That something always varies but we can't have them unless he complies.  I know that she has no choice according to the custody agreement but if he doesn't comply she makes every day prior to that agonizing.  I have a NC policy with her due to previous harassments.  Currently she is not blocked from calling or texting me but she does not know that.  I am not telling her.  In order for me to get the kids and take them to where my H is for spring break (spring break is his time) I have to talk to her.  If I don't talk to  her then she won't let the kids go.  I asked my husband what she wants from me or what she wants to hear from me.  He doesn't know.  He told her that I would be fine with having a chat with her as long as she doesn't want to talk about him, them, or us.  Some of that is none of my business or control.  It is their relationship.  The rest is none of her business.  She always wants to know what we plan on doing with the kids and what will be going on, etc.  I remind him that he has control when they are with him and that he doesn't need to answer to her.  

I guess it just drives me nutty when people want to dictate what I am going to do.  Especially someone who has cause me such grief.  I don't go about telling her what to do (except for telling her to stay away from my house).  I have boundaries with her and I keep them.  That seems to push her to anialiate them.  My H said things with her have been going pretty alright up until today.  Now he said he is just overwhelmed.  She changes moods like crazy.

Any way just venting to others who understand.  Thanks.

[pandadoll]

Hi all,

I just want to take a moment to vent.  It is the same old story with my H's ex.  She wants control of the world.  Everytime we are to have the kids she demands something.  That something always varies but we can't have them unless he complies.  I know that she has no choice according to the custody agreement but if he doesn't comply she makes every day prior to that agonizing.  I have a NC policy with her due to previous harassments.  Currently she is not blocked from calling or texting me but she does not know that.  I am not telling her.  In order for me to get the kids and take them to where my H is for spring break (spring break is his time) I have to talk to her.  If I don't talk to  her then she won't let the kids go.  I asked my husband what she wants from me or what she wants to hear from me.  He doesn't know.  He told her that I would be fine with having a chat with her as long as she doesn't want to talk about him, them, or us.  Some of that is none of my business or control.  It is their relationship.  The rest is none of her business.  She always wants to know what we plan on doing with the kids and what will be going on, etc.  I remind him that he has control when they are with him and that he doesn't need to answer to her.  

I guess it just drives me nutty when people want to dictate what I am going to do.  Especially someone who has cause me such grief.  I don't go about telling her what to do (except for telling her to stay away from my house).  I have boundaries with her and I keep them.  That seems to push her to anialiate them.  My H said things with her have been going pretty alright up until today.  Now he said he is just overwhelmed.  She changes moods like crazy.

Any way just venting to others who understand.  Thanks.

[pandadoll]

I have a thought about the possible opening of communication with the H's ex.

"At the present time I have no blocks on my phone.  I will allow conversations regarding kids only. The first time that is not adhered to I will resume blocks immediately."

[Free One]

I have boundaries with her and I keep them.  That seems to push her to anialiate them.  My H said things with her have been going pretty alright up until today.  Now he said he is just overwhelmed.  She changes moods like crazy.

Any way just venting to others who understand.  Thanks.

I think it's par for the course. They can be used to running over everyone's boundaries, so once they hit someone who sets and holds boundaries, it's a fight. It's completely frustrating and exhausting.

You don't have to communicate the boundary unless you feel it necessary. Your personal boundary you tell yourself can be "I respond to communication about the kids."

Why do you have to talk to her? Can't H make arrangements?

[Thunderstruck]

I've been in your boat. It took a long time to set my boundary and get my SO's uBPDx to stop contacting me (harassing is more like it). If she all of a sudden said "I need to talk to Thunderstruck" my reaction would be "No thanks!". In a perfect world I would like to be cordial with her, but this is Oz. I feel that as soon as I open the door just a crack, she'll force her way in. So if I were in your shoes I'd have H figure out an arrangement and respectfully stay the heck out of it.

Oh, and I totally get the "demands" part too. SO doesn't have a custody agreement yet so she uses visitation as leverage, always always always asking for money. If he doesn't pay up, he doesn't see D8. 

[pandadoll]

I not not going to allow her to violate my boundaries.  H can set up a couple of options for her and that will be it.  I just hate that she uses the kids everytime. 

Thank you both for your words of encouragement.  I would like to have the perfect or even somewhat normal world of being cordial but that is not an option.  Thunderstuck, I love that you call it Oz.  That really fits.  I can never open the door just a crack.  If I do it will be blown off the hinges. 

Free One, I too understand the exhaustion and frustration.  I tire of the ebbs and flows.  Oh well, not much you, I or anyone can do.  We just have to ride the waves as they come and try to not get taken out to sea.