Divorce Started - How to respond or not respond?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uN/BPD stbx has lived in Japan going on 5 years. Our S16 & D17 live here with me. I had her served divorce papers and an order of protection when she came back to visit last month. She's returned after only 10 days. We are in the process of working with Ls to disentangle our assets and continue our mutual business.

We meet once a week via Skype. The ground rules are that we discuss business and either of us can end the meeting if our pulse goes above 80 (our divorce therapist suggested this good advice!). For the most part she's been behaving herself very well (we've had 4 meeting since her return). She is in contact with the kids. The kids set the terms for contact with her - I purposely stay out of it. After our Skype meeting the other day she asked me if I'd be willing to stop the divorce process and give her another chance. She told me she'd no long get angry etc... .  I told her very clearly, "No, that won't be possible. We need to follow through with the divorce." She seemed to accept it. Today, I received another long email from her telling me she loves me so much and wants our family back together. She said she can't focus and is depressed.

What is a good way for me to respond to this? I want to recommend that she get some counseling. I've made it very clear a number of times the marriage is over. Is it best to just ignore it and let her determine how to self sooth? I understand she just wants things back to "normal".

I know that this is a fairly small matter compared to the daily battle many members are dealing with but I want to guide this process as skillfully as I can.

[Jai Yen]

My uN/BPD stbx has lived in Japan going on 5 years. Our S16 & D17 live here with me. I had her served divorce papers and an order of protection when she came back to visit last month. She's returned after only 10 days. We are in the process of working with Ls to disentangle our assets and continue our mutual business.

We meet once a week via Skype. The ground rules are that we discuss business and either of us can end the meeting if our pulse goes above 80 (our divorce therapist suggested this good advice!). For the most part she's been behaving herself very well (we've had 4 meeting since her return). She is in contact with the kids. The kids set the terms for contact with her - I purposely stay out of it. After our Skype meeting the other day she asked me if I'd be willing to stop the divorce process and give her another chance. She told me she'd no long get angry etc... .  I told her very clearly, "No, that won't be possible. We need to follow through with the divorce." She seemed to accept it. Today, I received another long email from her telling me she loves me so much and wants our family back together. She said she can't focus and is depressed.

What is a good way for me to respond to this? I want to recommend that she get some counseling. I've made it very clear a number of times the marriage is over. Is it best to just ignore it and let her determine how to self sooth? I understand she just wants things back to "normal".

I know that this is a fairly small matter compared to the daily battle many members are dealing with but I want to guide this process as skillfully as I can.

[ForeverDad]

These communication skills are described on our Workshops board:

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

There's also KISS - Keep It Super Simple.  There's often no benefit (and makes things more complicated) if you try to explain things too much.  Reasoning and logic don't work with someone who lives by ever-changing emotions and moods.

I'm not sure which way is best. Review all the above and any other threads that may apply.  What you don't want to do is inadvertently invalidate the person which could very likely trigger an overraction, yet appeasing as done in years past is not the path either.  Best to keep the emotions and emotional blaming out of it, not that it's wrong, it's just not productive.

[Forestaken]

Stay strong in your convictions.  Little contact as possible. My dOCD+uBPD+s2bxw was screaming at me on the phone moments before I told her I filed for divorce.  Instantly, she claimed she had changed.

Have you done counseling before?  Did it work? Did it stick?

My kids S22 & D19 want me to continue with the divorce, their lives are better.

[Matt]

The tools FD gave you are great and pretty easy to remember.  They can only help.

But also forgive yourself when something doesn't work.  You can't make her happy, so no matter how carefully you communicate with her, it will be frustrating - your best efforts may not work.  Don't beat yourself up - you're taking care of yourself and the kids, and that is what is really possible for you to accomplish.

[Jai Yen]

Our weekly "business meeting" was not productive at all yesterday. She started by crying on Skype. I asked her why she was crying and she said she blamed herself for the situation and feels very depressed. Attempting to use SET I told her that it's best if we focus on the future and that I understand her disappointment. I feel disappointed too. I told her it is my hope that we can move forward in a cooperative way. She started ranting a bit so I cut the Skype call short. She emailed and told me she'd behave. I called her back as I had to discuss several business matters.

She told me that she prefers a medication her American doctor prescribed to her called Clonazepam. This med helps her sleep and doesn't make her drowsy and unfocused the next day. When she was back here in February she received a 90 day supply. She already took 90 days of this medicine in about 35 days. She claims she only received a 30 day supply. She asked for my help last week and I told it is time for her to be responsible for her own medicine and to work with a doctor in Japan. She said she is working with a Japanese doctor but the medicine he prescribed to her makes her feel bad and she can not focus - anti-depressants and sleeping pills. Her Japanese doctor refused to prescribe Clonazepam as it is used for some other condition over there. I talked to her American doctor today. I explained the full background including when stbx (ex? now that she's been servered?) ODed over X-mas. The American doctor is concerned and will communicate with stbx directly.

Two questions: 1) can certain medicines take the edge off a pwBPD? 2) How long does it take if ever for BPD former spouses to accept the situation and move on?

[Jai Yen]

BTW - Matt you're right, I do feel frustrated. I know her condition causes her to be unstable. That combined with not having a daily schedule until the end of this month is really causing her stress.

It's interesting though - she seems to get activated when she talks to me but she can calmly talk to our S16... .  She desperately wants to get things back to (ab)normal. She is frustrated by my "coldness" toward her issues. I told at this time I can not discuss emotional issues with her.

I hope she can rally and get back to work and feel better. I clearly understand that can't be my problem or responsibility. Honestly, if not for the kids and our business it would matter even less and over time not at all.

I did tell her if she can no longer work with me I understand. Our business will likely fail and I will find other sources of income (which I'm working on regardless). Nothing more I can do. I truly look forward to the day I have NC with her.

[Matt]

Two questions: 1) can certain medicines take the edge off a pwBPD? 2) How long does it take if ever for BPD former spouses to accept the situation and move on?

Quite a few doctors prescribe anti-depressant medications and sometimes other stuff for people who are depressed, due to BPD or any other reason.  My ex was often depressed when we were together (and maybe still).  Anti-depressant meds might help.  But medications don't treat BPD, they only treat one of the symptoms - depression.  The twisted thinking can only be treated by talk therapy.

How long will it take for her to accept it?  I don't know - I don't even know how long it took for my own wife to accept it.  But you can help her accept it by disengaging emotionally.  Every time you become involved with her, in any way that she might think is a sign you might still be thinking of her as a partner, could make it harder for her to accept that the relationship is over.