I pushed it

[coworkerfriend]

So today is over.  He tried to fight. I did not engage.

He tried to engage me in talking about I broke his heart.  I did not engage.

He told me I care more about money than I care about him.  He tried all day to get my attention.

I tried hard to work.  I did not know what else to do. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Take2]

It sounds like you did good in not engaging... .  !

[beachtalks]

I actually do think you are trapped, in a way, if you have already decided to love him unconditionally.  Since you are in the "staying and improving a relationship" section of this board, you have made it clear that you want resolution and help, and that you won't give up.

You are trapped until you find a way to love him and yourself and your business simultaneously.  This is very tricky and may seem nearly impossible right now.  You guys are going to have to sit down and come up with a plan that meets both of your needs.  You may need to do this in a therapist's office, or with a friend present, so you don't spin off into an argument when you fight for your needs and rights. 

The problem with most BPD's is their inconsistency.  You need ground rules, a plan, and a back-up plan.  And you need it soon, for your business!

Don't give up.  Fight for your dreams!  You chose this.  You signed up for this knowing it would be hard, because you know you are strong and capable.  Suffering and tribulation isn't always a bad thing when we rise to meet the challenges.  He prunes you and you grow!  He forces you to be at your best.  Now is your time to grow.

In love and light 

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks Take2 - it did not feel good but it felt necessary.

Beachtalks - you have summarized exactly where my head is at. I do not want to give up.  I want resolution.  I have accepted that he has a mental illness.  He can not have a "normal" relationship.  I do not have any delusions of thinking I can fix it, stop him when he is dysregulated. He will never be able to provide me with the support I had hoped for.

Everything I say gets twisted and distorted. My thoughts and my feelings do not matter.  I need think we both need ground rules and a plan.  I have given quite a bit of thought to having a third party involved in helping.  I do not know if that is possible.  No one, and I am coming to believe that even means his therapist, have any idea of the depths of this.  He is charming, smart and knows how to turn things around in every conversation.

I am sick at the thought of him coming into work today.  He keeps laying out enough rope to let me hang myself.  He wants to fight - he wants me to respond in some way.  He is struggling with my detachment.

I just wish I knew what is next.  I hate looking over my shoulder. 

[OTH]

I have a strong feeling you work with plenty of people who know. Is giving up control of the situation a big concern for you? Could this be how things have gone this far?

Thanks Take2 - it did not feel good but it felt necessary.

Beachtalks - you have summarized exactly where my head is at. I do not want to give up.  I want resolution.  I have accepted that he has a mental illness.  He can not have a "normal" relationship.  I do not have any delusions of thinking I can fix it, stop him when he is dysregulated. He will never be able to provide me with the support I had hoped for.

Everything I say gets twisted and distorted. My thoughts and my feelings do not matter.  I need think we both need ground rules and a plan.  I have given quite a bit of thought to having a third party involved in helping.  I do not know if that is possible.  No one, and I am coming to believe that even means his therapist, have any idea of the depths of this.  He is charming, smart and knows how to turn things around in every conversation.

I am sick at the thought of him coming into work today.  He keeps laying out enough rope to let me hang myself.  He wants to fight - he wants me to respond in some way.  He is struggling with my detachment.

I just wish I knew what is next.  I hate looking over my shoulder. 

[Take2]

He is charming, smart and knows how to turn things around in every conversation.

I am sick at the thought of him coming into work today.  He keeps laying out enough rope to let me hang myself.  He wants to fight - he wants me to respond in some way.  He is struggling with my detachment.

I just wish I knew what is next.  I hate looking over my shoulder. 

  I hate so much that I understand so well... .    I literally have to look over my shoulder at work... .  because soo many times he has been there, sitting in one of the chairs watching what I'm doing - to try and catch me doing something he can rage on my about... .    truly truly disturbing... .     

[Grey Kitty]

Everything I say gets twisted and distorted. My thoughts and my feelings do not matter.  I need think we both need ground rules and a plan.  I have given quite a bit of thought to having a third party involved in helping.  I do not know if that is possible.  No one, and I am coming to believe that even means his therapist, have any idea of the depths of this.  He is charming, smart and knows how to turn things around in every conversation.

I am sick at the thought of him coming into work today.  He keeps laying out enough rope to let me hang myself.  He wants to fight - he wants me to respond in some way.  He is struggling with my detachment.

I just wish I knew what is next.  I hate looking over my shoulder. 

Two ideas for you to help you set some boundaries:

#1: You don't have to fight, you don't have to engage.

#2: You don't have to agree when he "twists things around" or "turns things around".

Just say that you don't feel that way and that you won't engage in a fight over it, then change the subject, shut up, or step away.

And one other passing thought: No, he doesn't like your detachment. He is used to dumping his negative emotions on YOU so he doesn't have to deal with them. Even though it is actually better for him to find ways to self-sooth, the old way "works for him"

Did someone already point to the Workshop/Lesson on extinction bursts? It sounds like that may be what is going on.