Are they familiar with Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Do you have a copy?
Don't be too timid to ask, "If your marriage was imploding and you were facing a high conflict divorce, who would you recommend?" If he or she is good, it will be an acceptable question, lawyers know they won't be hired by every person walking in the door. Your lawyer knows most of the local professionals, some may be too pricey for your circumstances, but at least you would be able to know which ones are more capable and get the focus of your attention. Move the names you hear to the top of your list.
I almost got the feeling that all of the experiences I've had witnessing my spouses erratic behavior didn't really matter.
Generally speaking, much of what you experienced will never make it into court records. It's almost as though the system tries to keep the documentation handled by the court to a bare minimum. Much of what you think is outrageous behavior is ignored by the court unless it is extreme, usually just "substantive" abuse or neglect. The effect is that litigants may be more likely to settle, judges have latitude to made decisions choosing or rejecting standard outcomes using vague 'judicial discretion' and with less risk of a successful appeal that might make the judge look less than good.
