Don't even know how to help her

[hell0kitty]

My BFs D7 last evening, when we were alone together for a few minutes:

D7- "Can I tell you something, but promise you will never tell my mom I told you?'

Me- "Of course, you can talk to me about anything."

D7- "My mom is very mean. She is not a nice person at all.  We fight a lot and don't get along and she yells at me all of the time.  Have you seen that show Dance Moms?  She is like that lady Abby from dance moms."

Me- "I'm so sorry"

D7- "That is why I want to be here all of the time and not there, we just don't get along and she is so mean and angry all of the time."

and then her dad walked back into the room so she changed the subject.  She has always called me her "keeper of secrets" I think she has been told so much by her mom not to tell her dad anything that she always thinks her mom will find out if she does.  Whenever she gets me alone for a minute she tends to just unload on me.  I have no idea what to do.  I looked up this Abby from dance moms and she is a screamer, not nice at all.  I was the only one there when she said it.  If I talk to BPDex I am not going to get anywhere and I will be breaking a promise.  We have a parenting eval coming up in a few months, but it is for a minor mod, now I'm wondering if we should be doing more.  We've been told that in our state a major mod is near impossible.  Just don't know what to do.   :'(

[DreamGirl]

Did you tell your BF?

[hell0kitty]

Yes.  It made him cry.  He feels just as stuck as I do if not more.

[DreamGirl]

There is always the option to address this in court if you think you need to.  

There is also options for our kids to help in building their resilience - even when we feel there isn't or they shouldn't have to.

Problem: Mom is mean and yells [like that lady on Dance Moms -yuck]

Power: We get to decide how we react to mean and yelling

I'd ask her to give me examples and specifics. Know exactly what you're dealing with, and not just on the perception of a 7 year old (Emotional Immaturity will use the word "always" even if it was a couple times recently - my son will say ":)ad/Mom yells at me all the time" and we really don't)

I'd ask her to tell me how she feels when mom yells.

I'd ask her to tell me how she handles it when she yells.

I'd validate all of the answers she gives (just like you did in the original conversation!)

And then help her take it from there. What can she do when mom starts to yell? Can she learn to say "mom, I don't want to yell at each other, can we take a break?" Can she address this with mom?

These kids are stuck with a parent who struggles at regulating those hard emotions. They can learn tools in coping too - taking a time out, not engaging in arguments, accepting that mom gets angry and not to take it personally, etc.

Have you seen our workshops on helping our kids in dealing with the stress of having a mentally ill parent?

-DG

[newlymarried]

  My stepdaughter talked about her mommy yelling after the last visit too. I am right there with you.

[Free One]

Have you seen our workshops on helping our kids in dealing with the stress of having a mentally ill parent?

-DG

Do you have the link to this?

[hell0kitty]

I was going to ask for the link too.

[marbleloser]

Things like this,amongst others, are why I put S8 and S9 in therapy.They are constantly being told "don't tell your dad this,or that" to the point that if something slips out,they feel guilty about it.

You're doing a good thing by listening and giving her a safe haven to confide in.Have you thought about therapy for her? Our S's get yelled at alot too and I wanted them to have someone to talk to,guilt free,with no judgement.I also wanted them to possibly learn new tools for dealing with things like this.They've been going for a little over a month now,but I can already see that it's helping.

[DreamGirl]

Do you have the link to this?

Here's some good ones:

REFERENCE: Child development and parents with mental illness

TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress

Helping our children deal with trauma

Reframing thoughts about family (CBT technique for young people)

[Free One]

Do you have the link to this?

Here's some good ones:

REFERENCE: Child development and parents with mental illness

TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress

Helping our children deal with trauma

Reframing thoughts about family (CBT technique for young people)

Excellent! Thanks DG!

[Thunderstruck]

Poor girl.  My SO's D8 has started saying "I hate my mom" lately and that she doesn't want to go back (because of the yelling). It breaks my heart. I know how you feel. 

The worst thing is we don't get to see her enough to counteract the chaos or have enough time to teach her the resiliency. Frustrating.

[NorthernGirl]

This thread is helpful for me as well. SS18 (who has development delays) said the other day "Mom told the doctor that I can't make my own decisions. She said a bunch of things that really mean she thinks I'm retarded." They were at the knee specialist and when he stood up and said he wants to run and do other sports, and the doctor was listening to him, she had to step it up and say that he isn't capable of thinking for himself.

The truth is his mom calls him mentally retarded in emails to DH and when SS18 isn't there.

I listened when he brought this up and give him some ideas of how he can deal with this by getting DH's help with the decision she is trying to block. And tried to talk with him about how he doesn't need to argue with his Mom, but just tell her what he wants. But I think I could have done a better job of validating how he feels, as opposed to just giving him ideas of how to deal with the decision itself.

DH and his ex have joint guardianship of SS18 -- the agreement just got filed this week -- and it includes a mediation/arbitration process for dealing with what happens when the two parents can't agree on a decision affecting SS18. Based on SS18's comments that his mom won't let him sign up for track and field, his parents have their first chance to try the mediation/arbitration process. DH made sure that part of the process is that the arbitrator must talk with SS18 as well.

It was sad listening to SS18 and realizing how hard it is to stand up to his mom. But I need to learn to bring this back to how it makes him feel as he gets very little validation anywhere else.

[mamachelle]

Dreamgirl - those links were really good.

For hell0kitty and others with younger kids, I think with many kids of BPD parents this is par for the course unfortunately. It is heartbreaking to have to send kids back in to that environment when they have the wherewithal to even say this. The only one of my SS -- the youngest now 8-- used to cry and say he hated mom, mom was mean, he didn't want to go.  Now he is the mentally healthiest step kid I have... .  It may not be much comfort to hear and you do need to make sure the child is not in danger. Validating the child's feelings is so important.

This thread is helpful for me as well. SS18 (who has development delays) said the other day "Mom told the doctor that I can't make my own decisions.

I listened when he brought this up and give him some ideas of how he can deal with this by getting DH's help with the decision she is trying to block. And tried to talk with him about how he doesn't need to argue with his Mom, but just tell her what he wants. But I think I could have done a better job of validating how he feels, as opposed to just giving him ideas of how to deal with the decision itself.

It was sad listening to SS18 and realizing how hard it is to stand up to his mom. But I need to learn to bring this back to how it makes him feel as he gets very little validation anywhere else.

I have a SS15 with PDD NOS and he really needed validating today about not wanting to be in the ESY program which focuses on social skills. He said it was boring and he was getting upset when he saw the summer school stuff in the mail. It is so hard. He needs to be in some kind of structure. His bio parents are going  back and forth on summer plans and I feel so bad that he has all this uncertainty. Anyway, I had read your post before I spoke to him today and I remembered to validate his feelings. Going to talk to the teachers and Dad to try to get a good solution.