Let's talk about red-flags: perusals of a dating site

[Depression = 72% of members]

Too perfect=too suspicious!

Perfect quote to hold on to!

Thanks

[MakeItHappen]

Too perfect=too suspicious!

Perfect quote to hold on to!

Thanks

[GustheDog]

Well, I too met my exBPD online.  We were living in the same city at the time and met in person after just a few messages - so it wasn't an "online relationship," rather just the medium through which we decided to meet for a date.

Anyway, her profile was sparse and generic - as were her emails.  Entirely devoid of personality, humor, etc.  Really, I never would have guessed in a million years we'd have a serious, long-term relationship from those lackluster beginnings.  I was really just seeking casual dates and looking for people to hang out with on the weekends.

But her profile was so short, and read to the effect of (and I know this because I saw her on the same site with the same profile 10 days after I attempted to propose to her - which was what she'd been asking me to do . . .): "I enjoy traveling, meeting new people, and learning new things."  Things she could never do without included: "iPhone (ugh, I know), water, light beer, pedicures, and I may or may not have an affinity for reality TV!" 

Something like that.  I see that this boring, robotic recitation is her playing the everyday "girl next door" card.  Behind the reserved subtlety is a crazy person screaming: "I'm normal, PLEASE believe me!"  And I did.

[GreenMango]

Hey I had a thought.  I know this isn't fool proof on these dating sites but it does bring up an interesting point.

Candy shop dating sites it's a lot of goodies.

But, Eharmony says they do a test for values and matches you on that.  Yeah people can lie or answer ambigously.  But looking for matched values in "real time" could be a better strategy. 

Good on paper doesn't mean good in life.  Then there are some that don't really look to good on paper either.   

[GustheDog]

Hey I had a thought.  I know this isn't fool proof on these dating sites but it does bring up an interesting point.

Candy shop dating sites it's a lot of goodies.

But, Eharmony says they do a test for values and matches you on that.  Yeah people can lie or answer ambigously.  But looking for matched values in "real time" could be a better strategy. 

Good on paper doesn't mean good in life.  Then there are some that don't really look to good on paper either.   

That's a good point.  I've considered opting for a "legitimate" dating site like Match.com or even a professional matchmaking service.  Those things cost money, though (although the Match.com is certainly less expensive than a matchmaker), and, frankly, my ex cleaned me out! 

In any event, while I feel ready to meet new people, I'm also in no rush to launch into a r/s.  I've never craved relationships before my ex, and I don't crave them now.  I just sometimes miss what I did not recognize was an illusion at the time.

I was not unhappy before my BPD r/s - not at all really.  But I was happier with her (pre-devaluation, obviously).  I would like to feel like that on my own, but don't really know how.

[GreenMango]

I was not unhappy before my BPD r/s - not at all really.  But I was happier with her (pre-devaluation, obviously).  I would like to feel like that on my own, but don't really know how.

Whoop! You just struck oil my friend.  This topic is soo worthy of its own thread.  

Psst... .  you aren't the only one figuring this out and trying to find out how to be without that person.

[Themis]

I wonder how many of us meet our BPD online or had a portion of the relationship online?

At the start of our friendship before dating he lived in another city, was just in mine temporarily when we met.

I did "meet" him online, but I don't mention that part to people as like gus said it was just to establish the first real meetings.

We had a long-distance friendship with webcams, letters, emails... .  lots of contact. We exchanged emails and our life histories, our deep thoughts, lots of things. I had a big crush on him, even though we went out to date other people, in between, I'd always wonder what would happen he he lived in the same city.

When we were both single he started ringing me most nights, I got a gigantic crush on him.

He was there at the end of each day when I needed him---and long-distance is very exciting.

After some more webcaming, he decided to fly over and spend a romantic weekend with me.

It was beautiful... .  very romantic and dramatic and loong pre-lude to our relationship as this friendship lasted for years.

After that romantic weekend in person we couldn't get enough of each other. He flew over many times over the course of a year.

Finally I decided to let him move in with me... .  we decided even though previously we never considered living with another, that if he had to move to be with me, he may as well move once.

So then I had him living with me and happy together for a couple of years.

Then after that time everything went south.

It was the happiests times of my life, and I would do it again, but maybe leave before I found out who he really is and have this heartbreak and degrading treatment I have now.

His latest plug is that I am "useless"

I will never get someone and their ideal online profile stuck in my head ever again. I think I always yearned for that image.