I have a 32 year old daughter with BP

[SCM]

I have a 32 year old daughter with BPD. She was visiting me with husband and 3 children for about 3 weeks and is taking me months to recover from the verbal abuse, brutal attacks, manipulation, disrespect for my house and my belongings, etc. I don't know if her husband realizes what goes on. He doesn't say a word even when he is an eyewitness to the abusive behavior towards me. She has not called or written to apologize and many times I feel like detaching from her. My son has already detached from her. It's a horrible situation and behavior. I miss my grandchildren and feel so sorry for them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Dear SCM,

I am so glad you are here. We all understand. The attacks and verbal abuse is really tough and difficult to deal with and heal from. I've worked really hard at it as I too suffered both with verbal and physical abuse. I just want you to know that you are not alone. We are here to help and support you. It is a safe place to vent too.

How are you taking care of yourself? Have you considered getting a therapist? That helped me tremendously.

Please keep posting and sharing your story.

Being Mindful

[mggt]

Dear SCM. So sorry to hear about your d and visit .  Maybe you could reach out to her husband and find out what is going on at their home?  If you feel comfortable with that.  Do you have someone to talk to ?  I sure understand all your anger and sadness .  BPD is a terrible disease take time to care for yourself and dont feel guilty. 

[jellibeans]

SCM

What a terrible visit... .  no one deserves to be treated that way... .  when my d rages at me I think tell myself it is the disorder talking and she is sick... .  have you read any of the articles on how to interact with a BPD? That has helped me a lot... .  defusing the argument and stopping the abuse. Sometime realizing there is no stopping it but you can walk away and let her calm down.

Your son-in-law is probably afraid to say anything... .  he probably had his fair share of abuse. It is not his job to control your daughter. It is a shame she doesn't at least realize it later that she was unkind. Maybe 3 weeks was too long of a visit. Maybe you could have the grandkids come on their own?

I think it is important for you to get support... .  maybe some counseling... .  I am sure you feel like you have been doing this for a long time but try maybe re-reading some books like Valerie Porr's book... .  I am sorry your visit was so abusive... .  

[peaceplease]

SCM,

I am sorry that you are still hurting from the abuse from your dd.  I know that it is hard when you are verbally attacked.  I know the sting!  My uBPDd, age 28, has saic some cruel things to me.   It really helps to try to recall not to take it personally.

Some therapy for you would be great, if it's possible.  I think everyone that has a pwBPD can benefit from T.   Many of us here have been in T for our relationship with pwBPD.  Meanwhile, this board is a great support.

 

peaceplease

[vivekananda]

Welcome to our board SCM  

I have a dd (dear daughter) also 32. It is so hurtful to be treated so disrespectfully while others stand by and see it all and do nothing. I know how you feel, it used to hurt me for so long. Since those bad old days, I have learnt much and one thing is sure, there is hope. Fortunately for us, my dd has no husband or children.

Here we learn the tools and concepts that help us develop better relationships with our loved ones with BPD, and our relationships in general. One very important tool I think you would benefit from is values based boundary setting. I have included a link for you to an article about it:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

There is much that can be learnt from the information on this site. But the best support is to be gained here on the parent's board where you are now, please post and stay in touch. We are a safe place here.

Does your dd and family live far away? Do you have a husband to support you?

Vivek     

[Hilge]

Dear SCM,

Welcome to this site; I hope you'll get help here as I did a while back! There are many people here in your kind of situation.

I  have a daughter with BPD a little older than yours, she has a child. We had an especially bad breakup before Christmas that still hasn't totally been resolved. Until that I believed that she was just a difficult person but at that time I realized that something was badly wrong. As a result her rage, my grandchild ran away and she blamed me for it even I was 200 km away. I found this site and got some peace of mind and comfort at the time when I was running around in circles and didn't know what to do. I got lots of angry and blaming emails afterwards but managed to send only brief, neutral replies. Eventually she stopped answering to my mails but suddenly a couple of weeks ago asked, by email, for a sizeable amount of money for a specific purpose.

I wish you peace of mind and comfort!

Hilge

[Hilge]

P.S. It's difficult to try to keep in touch with people around a person with BPD as they are very good at policing that nothing happens behind there backs. And if it does happen, there's a high price to pay... .  Courage!

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

I hope you are finding your way around the place here   it can be confusing at the start. Tell us some more about how you are managing, ok?

Hilge, how is it for you? what are you going to do about the request for money? It can be a fine line between enabling and supporting. Our adult children with BPD will always talk to us when they want money  and that can make it so hard for us... .  

cheers,

Vivek    

[somuchlove]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You will find much help here.  These people not only have a wealth of  information and guidance but have lived through a lot of it so the do understand.

I have a dd 38 that has 3 children.  We live quite a distance apart.  What I have found has helped me and I still need lots of help and support is I have and still do go talk to a counselor.  I have read a lot and listened to everything I can get my hands on.  It is very overwhelming but it is beginning to make more sense to me.  Knowing and understanding what our BPD person is going through helps us not take it personally but it doesn't take away the hurt and saddness.  However, learning to try and communicate is tough but is working.  I hope.

[SCM]

I'm sending my ddBPD emails now for we live a great distance apart and she's not replying to them. She's now ignoring me and it's so hurtful for I want to know about their lives, especially about my grandchildren (3) of which the oldest (14) has undergone spinal surgery recently and I would like to have an update on her condition. I keep praying and asking the Lord to heal my dd and to strengthen her husband who must be having a rough time just by the fact of living with someone who is mentally ill.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Dear SCM   ,

It is so hurtful when our intentions are kind, to be ignored by those we love. My dd32 is an expert at no contact too. She doesn't reply to my texts either.

Did you call the hospital to ask about your gd?

I have learnt to keep my communication to a minimal with my dd. It is easy to be misunderstood and to say something which can cause a pwBPD distress. Most importantly though, I have changed the way I communicate with my dd, so that at least I do now have some sort of a relationship with her and there is hope for it to improve, before though our relationship was deeply disturbing and was in danger of heading to total disconnection. This would have been not good for her and not good for me and my dh.

Have you read anything that has helped you understand BPD? I have been where you are now and have learnt much that has helped me, is there any way I can help you now?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

Thank you for your comforting words. My son in law gave me an update on the outcome of my grand daughter's surgery but I haven't heard much about it from my BPD daughter. What I've read about this horrible mental illness is what I can get hold of through the internet, mainly articles published by the Mayo Clinic and other respectable sources. My daughter fits the description in all of them. What's amazing is that she has a very demanding/highly paid job and if she would treat her boss the way she treats me she would be out of that job in a second.   

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, SCM   and     

I totally understand what you are going through with your daughter; I have an adult son (36) diagnosed with BPD, and another son with BPD traits due to his undiagnosed BPD wife (at least I'm quite sure that she is). The silent treatment is almost as bad as the rages, and sometimes worse! At least when/if they are raging, they are communicating in a certain, perverse way 

I can tell you what has helped me... . The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger was such an eye-opener for me, that it really basically changed the way I communicate with every family member I have with BPD, as well as the rest of the world... . These changes I made in myself caused a new reaction in the people I've dealt with, and made things better. "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg was also a wonderful book. On this site are many Workshops, Articles and Videos that are extremely helpful in learning how to make things better. If you go to the BOARDS tab in the horizontal blue bar above your first post on this thread and click on it, you will get the page with all the Main Boards on it. Scroll towards the bottom, and you will find The Learning Center; there you will find the links to the Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews that can help you.

Here are a few links to get you started:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Please keep reading, posting, and exploring this site... . You can't change your daughter or your son-in-law, but you can change how you communicate and deal with them. And sometimes, that can make all the difference. There is light at the end of the tunnel, SCM   

[SCM]

Thanks Rapt Reader.

I'll check those articles and The Learning Center. I have to get proficient on this subject before October which is when I'll be seeing my dd, a visit which I'm already dreading.

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I am operating only with one eye at the moment and have to limit my time here ... . this is what I look like today 

You ask how can you not totally disconnect with your dd. You are on the right track. That which was so helpful for me was

1) read ask much as I could about BPD and about the tools that help us: values based boundaries and validation and understand that there are many levels of understanding the concepts and that learning is not completed when the book is closed.

2) I posted here amongst my friends. Asking questions, telling them my stories and listening to the feedback of others. I also posted on other people's threads, discussing their situation with them and learning more from the stories of others and their journeys.

The best book for me was Valerie Porr's "Overcoming BPD", she is a parent of a child who had BPD and she seems to understand how it is for us. I highly recommend it.

Cheers,

Vivek      

ps don't worry so much about the forthcoming visit - it is a great opportunity. Just work on preparing your self to give yourself the best chance to work on your relationship with your dd.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello SCM,   

I am so sorry you are going through this.   

I have had similar experiences in the past. My sd is also 32 also 3 grandkids.

I know, this time of your dd ignoring you hurts. On the other hand, it is a good opportunity for you to take some time for yourself, heal a bit from all the abuse, and also learn some skills that will make it easier for you to protect yourself in the future while keeping a better communication with your dd.

The above recommended books are great. The "Stop walking on eggshells" book is a kind of a starter book, great resource, also has a workbook that goes with it. Very similar is "The essential family guide to BPD" by the same author - she said - 'all I have learned since I wrote the stop walking on eggshells". I really liked "Loving someone with BPD" by Shari Manning (shorter than V. Porr's, but also lots of good practical info). And as a bookend to the Lundbergs' book on validation, I recommend "Boundaries" By H. Cloud & J. Townsend.

Let us know how you are doing,

PessiO

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

The reading will keep you busy for a while, but don't forget to keep in touch with us here. One of the easiest ways to learn is through posting.

Remember our first rule is to care for yourself. If you can have a therapist to help you through this until you get your feet on the ground, that can help. Also there may be 'carer' groups that meet locally, that are a great form of support. You would know about NAMI I suppose?

find your local NAMI

As you learn, you need to talk to others about what you are learning, that helps you understand. And it helps us all to learn too!

take care SCM,

Vivek      

[SCM]

Thanks for the advice, PessiO & Vivek . Yes I'm familiar with Nami but I do not live in the US, so I have to find the equivalent here. Thanks again for your concern and support.

[vivekananda]

silly me! I see the flag... . and of course I knew, just not thinking.

tara4BPD

Tara runs webinars for carers. Tara was started by Valerie Porr who wrote 'Overcoming BPD' our excellent introductory book for BPD. Maybe that can be a help... .

cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

I have just been told by my ddBPD that I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren because "they -herself, husband and children-are not available ". I'ts been a year that I don't see my grandchildren and in a month I will be in the area where they live since I'm attending a conference close by to their place. This is soo crazy and wicked. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back, in the front and sideways as well. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with a very sick individual but every time she does something like this is like I love her a little less till one day there will be no love left for her. What a horrible thought!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, SCM   

I am so sorry you are going through this. We were cut off from our grandkids for a year and a half. It really hurt, we were concerned for them, and we were so so sad and very angry as well.

There's still a month ahead of you... .You can slowly get used to the idea you will probably not see them, but at the same time, who knows? Building it into an issue right now would probably make things worse. A simple acknowlegement like 'I'm sad I won't get to see you but I respect your situation' might go over better (hopefully - depending on where your dd is at mentally at the moment). I wouldn't count on it, but when the time comes for you to travel, there is a slight possibility that your dd will be in a different mindset and things might be ok-ish.

What helped us in the time we were cut off was to feel our feelings, and then to move on to investing our energies into learning more about BPD and effective communication techniques to have a better chance at success the next time around. The good news about pwBPD - especially girls (in my personal experience) they DO come back. So there's always opportunity for re-dos.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with a very sick individual but every time she does something like this is like I love her a little less till one day there will be no love left for her. What a horrible thought!

Right now, I know it feels like that. No need to berate yourself for normal reactions and understandable feelings. Even feelings of hatred at times are natural. They pass though, and love stays. In the long run, do not worry, you will still love your daughter. In spite of the distance.   

[vivekananda]

I am so sorry it hurts so much. We have experienced years and years of pain (my dd is 32 too).

This is when we work on radical acceptance and remember of prayer "Give my strength to change what I can, to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two."

For us, the only thing we can change is ourselves and that's what helps us overcome BPD.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

Thank you PO and Vivek  for your words of comfort. I doubt my dd will change her mind prior to my trip. She has suggested that I reroute my trip so I skip her town and she doesn't have to see me. And she sends these self incriminating messages with copy to her husband and teenage daughter. Her husband doesn't say a word. I feel as if her husband and children are kidnapped and brainwashed by my dd. Just crazy. Right now I'm hurting very much and can't think straight.

Thank you for your understanding.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry, I can hear your pain... .   

Take your time, getting through these feelings takes time. Healing is a process. We are here to support you through it.

Please be gentle with yourself. What are you doing to make your day go by more pleasantly? Do you have activities that you like that can help you distract yourself from the pain when it is too much?

For me that is walks in the nature, soothing music, and physical activity. If I had one, I would go for a warm bathtub with some candles, music and pleasant fragrances.

What is helpful/soothing for you?

[SCM]

I'll try the warm bath now. It should relax me. I like to spend time with the Bible and hold on to the promises; that's quite soothing for me.

[vivekananda]

I like the Sermon on the Mount... .blessed are the meek... .

Vivek    

[SCM]

Yes, Vivek  I like it too: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth", Mt 5:5.

I check my emails every day to see if I get word form my dd but find nothing. Keep waiting and praying.

[SCM]

Don't know what to do. It's a shame I'll be so close and wont be able to see any of them, particularly my grandchildren. Could this be a psychotic break that she's having?

[vivekananda]

From what I understand, psychosis means hallucinations and hearing voices. While I understand that psychosis is sometimes found in pwBPD, it is not necessarily a part of the illness. If she was psychotic, she would be obviously and unavoidably unwell to those around her.

It is more likely that she is feeling deeply hurt and in pain from the situation she is in and wants to avoid further pain. She has been probably looking to her childhood and her relationship with you. She has probably felt that you have never listened to her, that you ignored her needs when you should have been comforting her and caring for her. She probably feels that you are the cause of her hurt and distress and she wants to avoid that hurt for herself and for her children.

You have tried to do all sorts of things to reach out to your daughter in the past, and they haven't worked. You have had many, many years of doing the same things and the result is where you are now. I  don't want to be blunt, but if you wish to improve your relationship with your daughter, you need to look at those things that you can do, so you can be the sort of mother she needs/wants.

Have you done any of the reading that was suggested could help you understand your situation? Is there anything in that which you think could help you?

Cheers,

Vivek