This is gunna be a doozy

[Rockylove]

I can't even tell you how I feel at the moment.  Sad, partly.  Disgusted.  Confused.  A huge flood of emotions are running through me.   This is a bit graphic and I apologize in advance, but I've got to get this off my chest.   

Monday night almost pushed me over the edge~~we lost power and they guys started drinking way too early.  They woke me about 11pm being drunk and obnoxious and very loud.  I managed to keep everything from going down hill, but had to help my bf to bed after he fell over a table full of beer bottles, dirty ash trays, candles, etc and my son-in-law-to-be was so drunk he lost control of his bodily functions and peed and crapped all over himself and the bathroom.   

Last night was horrible.  After 5 weeks of my bf getting plastered every night with his son, I reached my limit.  I went to bed by 10pm and as always, the guys stayed up drinking, smoking pot and jabbering.  About 2am, my bf was crawling into the bedroom and banging into everything which woke me.  He was so intoxicated that he could barely get into bed.  I was a bit miffed at being woken, but he curled up next to me and we snuggled a bit.  He was in a talkie mood and I said "Let's just lay quietly and we'll talk in the morning."  About half hour later, I got up to get some Benadryl to help me get back to sleep.  His son was awake and on the computer. 

I sat down in my chair with my book and started to read (that usually helps me get drowsy) and his son started talking to me.  I said everything would be fine and I just wanted to read in peace.  He kept talking.  He said that he was sorry he was such a pain in the ass.   I told him that he wasn't, but he was drunk and I wasn't going to have a conversation with him at that point.  He said that he knew that his dad was staying up and drinking past a time I wanted him to and it was because of him.  I said that wasn't the case.   I told him that the excessive drinking was really disturbing me, but his dad could choose to do that or not. 

By 3am we realized that the clocks advance and I got up to change it when I heard my bf stumbling around in the bedroom.  He turned on the light (which he never does) and when I went in to see what was going on, he was standing there naked holding onto the dresser.  He said he wanted a cigarette (which was in the living room) so I went and got him one.  He continued to stand there and I returned to the living room.  His son and I were having a innocuous conversation, but it went south when my bf lost his bowels all over the bedroom floor.   

That was when I lost it.  I said I couldn't take it any more.  I'd had enough.  My bf by then had showered a bit and gone back to bed and was bellowing out nastiness calling me every name in the book.  He asked me what I would do if that should happen just because his dad was old and not because of being too drunk and I said that I would be right there helping him.  He asked what difference it made then... .  ummm  really?  His son said he was leaving because he didn't want to be in the middle of a relationship issue.  I told him that I was not asking him to leave and since I was the one that was uncomfortable with the situation that I'd remove myself until things calmed down, but he decided to leave anyway at about 6am.  I went back to bed for a couple of hours.

I woke about 8am... .  made coffee and sat trying to figure out wth just happened last night and what I needed to do as a result.  About 9am my bf woke to go to the bathroom and mumbled inaudibly but made sure to clearly call me a btch then said "So you ran hit__ off" to which I replied simply "no" and he went back to bed mumbling again. 

So now I sit here wondering what's next.  I'm heartsick.  I'm deflated.  I'm sad.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

Rockylove  I can completely relate to your heartsick, "what is next" feelings running through your head.  Add sleep deprivation to that and I know how exhausted you feel.

I am sad too.   

Sometimes things seem too much to bear. 

[Rockylove]

 :'( 

[patientandclear]

RL -- just want to say that whatever feelings you are having about "I don't want to live this way" ... .  hang onto them.

That whole scene reminds me so vividly of my marriage.  And I mean almost every detail in your story, down to the "btch" and accusations of driving away his supporters (you know, the ones who weren't cleaning up the bedroom with me) and the stumbling around the bedroom at 4 am looking for a cigarette, that somehow it was my job to locate for him.

Many years of me proving my commitment and love by putting up with such things.  This (my exH) was not a person with BPD, though he had/has lots of other issues (obviously).  He's taken some steps to deal with them since we split up (6 years ago!).  I think now how long I delayed that by proving my love and commitment by putting up with it.

[laelle]

It sounds to me that he embarrassed the heck out of himself and on top of that upset you.  He had nowhere to go with that convo other than an emotional rage blaming you to excuse himself from being stupid.  LOL, taking care of an old person is the same... .  he was really reaching there wasnt he?

What happens now?  Thats up to you.  Nothing has to happen now.  You can go on about your day and not talk about it.  Its probably the best thing to do as he probably doesnt want to be reminded of it either.  Its horrible now, but you might laugh about it later when the hurt and emotions have cooled.

Can you live in a relationship where the set up is the one like the other nite? 

[Auspicious]

Rockylove, have you been to any Al-Anon meetings?

[Rockylove]

It sounds to me that he embarrassed the heck out of himself and on top of that upset you. 

You can go on about your day and not talk about it.  Its probably the best thing to do as he probably doesnt want to be reminded of it either.  Its horrible now, but you might laugh about it later when the hurt and emotions have cooled.

Can you live in a relationship where the set up is the one like the other nite? 

[Rockylove]

I attended Al-Anon for several years in the past (2nd ex-husband is an alcoholic) but I haven't been in quite some time.  Perhaps a visit would do me good.  I just don't understand where all this came from... .  it's just not like him to get that wasted!  Even his long-time friend (who's also staying here helping us) said he's never seen my bf like this.

[KateCat]

Could it be this?

"Valentine's day, my uBPDbf asked me to be his wife and I accepted his proposal." 

[Rockylove]

Could it be this?

"Valentine's day, my uBPDbf asked me to be his wife and I accepted his proposal." 

I'm not sure, KateCat.  That could be part of it, but we've been really stressed out with this house renovation (been 5 weeks since we started tearing the place apart) and he doesn't do well with stress.  In his defense... .  he warned me that it was beginning to get to him.  He said he can't wait for us to have our house back to ourselves again.  I don't know.  He's not in angry mode and we're both keeping ourselves busy with our own things today.

[benny2]

So sorry to hear that you are living under those circumstances. It reminds me of my first husband who was an alchohlic. I could not live under those conditions. My pwBPD does not drink, although there was a time when he did. That was 15 years ago and he got it under control on his own and rarely ever drinks now that is what makes me think if he could control that, he can control some of the other distructive things he does.

[yeeter]

I attended Al-Anon for several years in the past (2nd ex-husband is an alcoholic) but I haven't been in quite some time. 

Perhaps a visit would do me good. 

and hugs   

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

    Sorry, but I'm just now catching up and reading this thread. It's no comfort to me to know that your weekend went decidely worse than mine. Just like patientandclear, it reminds me of my first marriage to an alcoholic. BPD is no picnic, and I didn't have any tools to deal with an alcoholic spouse effectively. While there seem to be many similarities in what we have to do to cope, I can't imagine having to deal with both, but yet I know that many do.

    You're doing a good job, considering what you are up against. Hang in there!

Triple hug!

   

[Rockylove]

RL,

    While there seem to be many similarities in what we have to do to cope, I can't imagine having to deal with both, but yet I know that many do.

    You're doing a good job, considering what you are up against. Hang in there!

Thanks for the hugs, Codep!  I needed that!  Actually, my bf doesn't drink like that and that's probably why it affected him so badly.  His son does~~all the time.  I'm sad about it happening, but what's done is done.  His son left and we're back to "normal" however I understand his son is coming back in a couple of days.  UGH!

[waverider]

Does he now accept responsibility for his actions?

If so maybe some boundaries around his drinking with his son

If this becomes a habit then it will be a real problem.

Occasional screw ups from a Disordered person is unfortunately expected and not the end of the world. But the same repetitive screw ups need boundaries

[KateCat]

Most of us who have lived with alcoholism in the family would want to second what waverider has said above.

Did you mention earlier that your fiance takes nitroglycerin pills for an angina condition? Would his physician think it was reasonable for him to drink to excess even once?

Has your fiance stated what he is willing to do to be "that person" that he wants to be for you? If I were contemplating marriage to him, I would feel a strong need to know how alcohol fits into the future you intend to share together.

You are doing a nice job of stepping aside from daily conflict.  And now, waverider's question about defining boundaries seems the important one before you say "I do."

[CodependentHusband]

Kate,

   You make some good points, no doubt about that. I was married to an alcoholic in my practice marriage (marriage #1) for 12 1/2 years. Guess I am attracted to people who become emotionally unavailable after the 'newness' of the relationship wears off, since I married dBPDw for marriage #2... .  of course, I had no idea what I was getting into either time, and I thought it was meant to be.   

    Still, pwBPD is tough to live with too, but it is a different kind of stress when I compare it to living with an alcoholic. If I recall correctly, RL has been in a r/s with an alcoholic before, so, I think she knows somewhat if his drinking is just a binge issue when his son visits, or something different. I sure couldn't handle it when it got to be as intoxicated as wife #1 was for 3 and 4 nights a week, alternating with days where she would go to sleep at 7pm. At least dBPDw DOES hit an 'up cycle' several days a month and isn't out wrecking cars and ending up in jail where I have to bail her out with $1500 I don't really have for the cause, and still finding a way to buy that $2000 couch she just had to have.     

   Sorry, I've got my tongue planted firmly in my cheek as I type this of course, and it is no laughing matter. I'm just saying that I have to respect RL's choice to follow her heart and know what she is getting into... .  at least I hope that is the case.

[KateCat]

Good questions and observations, Codep.

I've been thinking, Rockylove, reading your posts that he may be a later-stage alcoholic than you realize . . . and perhaps I am wrong and he is not an alcoholic at all. Based purely on my own experiences, it is hard for me to imagine a man over 50 who drinks to the point of incontinence and yet does not have a real medical problem with alcohol. . . . . What does your own life experience tell you, Rocky? Maybe if there are no fights, DUIs and other indicators of dysfunction that will spill onto you, then it's something you can live with.

[Auspicious]

And keep in mind that it is very possible for you to be addicted to the drama.

[Rockylove]

Does he now accept responsibility for his actions?

If so maybe some boundaries around his drinking with his son

If this becomes a habit then it will be a real problem.

Occasional screw ups from a Disordered person is unfortunately expected and not the end of the world. But the same repetitive screw ups need boundaries

Waverider... .  yes, he does accept responsibility and has been really pleasant to be around.  We talked about the over indulgence a couple of times.  He likes "hanging out" with his son because they will play guitars and sing til the cows come home.  He said they will have conversations that only they understand (hahaha).  Our friend said they should record some of those conversations because neither one of them are making a damned bit of sense!  At any rate, he admitted that he's gone over the top with partying with his son during this renovation. 

My boundary:  I will not keep getting angry about being woken by them because I will not spend the night here if they plan on partying.  I told him I will sleep at a friend's house if I'm uncomfortable with what's happening here.  I said love him and wasn't leaving him.  I said I would be there during the day (providing I wasn't working) to work on the house, but I wouldn't hang around at night.  He understood.  I'm not sure whether that will have to happen or not.  He really doesn't like it when I'm not laying next to him in bed at night so we'll see.

KateCat... .  it's difficult for me to imagine getting wasted to that point as well, but I know that it happens.  As I said though... .  he's not used to drinking that much.  He's an old pot head.  He didn't even start drinking until he was in his 30's and he's usually good for a 6 pack at a party but doesn't go beyond that.  He's always got his extra large, caffeine free green iced tea in hand.  He's made comments before about not being able to party like his son does and he hasn't since I've known him.  I do believe this is situational and not chronic.  The biggest issue I see here is that he's allowed himself to get so overwhelmed that he's escaping and since he's not had any "magic" stuff to escape with (trip) he used what was available (good weed and strong beer).  He maintains that alcohol is "stupid in a bottle."  Trust me, I've thought much about this after living with an alcoholic husband for 10 years.  I've lived around alcoholism all my life and I definitely took a step back when this happened because it brought back some very disturbing memories.  Is that a red flag?  Perhaps, but I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.  He doesn't handle stress well and anyone who has ever done a major renovation to their home knows how stressful it is. 

Auspicious... .  I've thought of that~~why do I get involved with these types of men?  I typically retreat from drama.  I know that I've struggled with some co-dependent issues, and I work on that daily.  The thing that I think attracted me to these men is their sensitivity. 

I'll admit that I'm a quirky, peace-loving, tree hugging artist and with that comes a personality that many "normal" people love/hate.  I'm an optimist.  I'm cheerful most of the time.  I'm spiritual and loving.  I sometimes think that depressed people want to be around cheerful people because they feel it might rub off on them.  Both my 1st & 2nd husbands and my current bf have said they love my inner strength (little do they know!) and my ability to see a bigger picture.  My 1st husband loved my spirit, but I didn't fit into his big picture of the typical suburban housewife!    

I really do appreciate the feedback on this.  It was indeed a terribly disturbing event for me and I'm trying not to replay it in my mind, but at the same time keep aware, alert and peaceful.  Even if this hadn't happened, that's what I need to do for me and it can only be a good thing.

[waverider]

This is good you are separating his stuff from your stuff. Your boundary is about protecting you rather than directly controlling him. He may change that behavior as a result, or he may not. Either way you are not being damaged as a result

[KateCat]

My boundary:  I will not keep getting angry about being woken by them because I will not spend the night here if they plan on partying.  I told him I will sleep at a friend's house if I'm uncomfortable with what's happening here.  I said love him and wasn't leaving him.  I said I would be there during the day (providing I wasn't working) to work on the house, but I wouldn't hang around at night. 

There you go!

I am not such an optimistic soul as you, and I keep thinking you are headed straight into a scary movie: possibly Rocky 4, as you will actually be wife #4 of this fellow (or is that wrong?), or maybe a more comic version like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. . . . But you can minimize a lot of the drama by actual boundaries like the one you state above. That one sounds great.

[Rockylove]

I understand, KateCat and I appreciate your warnings.  Being an optimist isn't always in my favor~~sometimes I need to have an opposing view for a bit of grounding.  Thank you!

[KateCat]

"Resilience" is a nice word! And now you have the precious tools from this forum too.