dharmagems,
I am so sorry to hear about the rough time you're having. I'm also glad your biopsy was negative. I went through a similar scare recently that included a very painful biopsy and all my pwBPD could say when I called crying about it was "I'm sorry you're going through this" with zero emotion.
I am in the second month of my separation from my stbxuBPDh and am definitely feeling the void. I miss the idealization and totally understand the feeling of being emotionally drained by the devaluation. Some days I am fine and so relieved to be out of the chaos, and some nights before bed I just cry uncontrollably thinking about the loss of the "love" he showed me.
But that word—showed—is an important one. Because he didn't give me love (he couldn't). It was all smoke and mirrors. While I agree with fakename that we have to realize we are the only ones who can fill the void, I think it is important to note that we don't have to do it all alone—others can help, but the "filler" needs to be real.
Think of a hole in the ground filled with a ton of beach balls. At first, there's so much air in them, and they are so firm and supportive as a group, that you could probably put a house on top and no one would be the wiser—it would look like the house was on a normal foundation (although you might notice once you step in that it's a little bouncy, but that's ok, it just adds to the "fun", right?) . But soon enough, the air would start to leak out and the house would slowly sink into the hole. The void was never really filled. It was an illusion.
The "love", "care", "attention" and so on from the pwBPD are like the beach balls. Lots of fun, and they seem great overall (especially if you don't know they are full of air) but they can never last.
Now imagine the same hole, but it's filled with gravel. And concrete block. Wood. Steel. Notice it's not all the same stuff—there's diversity based on the needs of the structure and the complimentary nature of the materials when used together. Now you have a real foundation. Put a house on top of that and it's not going anywhere.
These elements are added by you. They are your friends, family relationships (that you must build/nurture), hobbies, and other things that make you a whole and complete person. If something starts to crack or erode, you can fix it without losing the whole structure.
I spent just 4 months with my pwBPD and we didn't even live in the same STATE but in that short amount of time, he was able to isolate me from almost everyone in my family, in my volunteer/religious community, and nearly all of my friends. I turned into a different person almost overnight, trying desperately to replace the air in the rapidly deflating pit of beach balls. But it was a losing battle and I was exhausted from fighting it.
This may be a long and drawn out analogy, but it's helping me to look at it this way. What I "lost" was never really there. What I gained from this experience among many other things is the awareness of how to better choose the materials I use to fill the void that has always existed. To do it slowly and carefully and invest in quality. To value myself enough to insist on the best foundation.
I hope it helps you too. Please keep us updated. We are here for you!
p.s. My dad was a bricklayer, hence the construction analogy
