Can he even do this?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

He has retained another attorney, in an attempt to "go back to court" over domestic violence charge 3 years ago? He plead guilty then. He said he has talked with his new attorney every single day this week and if I don't voluntarily say "I was lying" and that "I did it to myself" he will have me subpoenaed. I do believe he really  is doing this and has retained another attorney due to the details he was able to obtain about my other case that was just resolved. His  negative advocate parents are picking up all these bills an in attempt to spite me further and protect their false family image,knowing DV runs through their family... .  This is a load of crap.

[motherof1yearold]

He has retained another attorney, in an attempt to "go back to court" over domestic violence charge 3 years ago? He plead guilty then. He said he has talked with his new attorney every single day this week and if I don't voluntarily say "I was lying" and that "I did it to myself" he will have me subpoenaed. I do believe he really  is doing this and has retained another attorney due to the details he was able to obtain about my other case that was just resolved. His  negative advocate parents are picking up all these bills an in attempt to spite me further and protect their false family image,knowing DV runs through their family... .  This is a load of crap.

[ForeverDad]

This is a load of crap.

Need I agree more with your final words?  This is presuring and intimidation, though I don't know if there's anything to do about it except 'ignore' it.  By saying that, I only mean that you have to let it bounce off you as rain rolls off a ducks back.  You can't really 'ignore' the legal angles and consequences.  If he see you are affected by it, weakened by it, then he will ramp up his efforts.  He doesn't care that it may take months or years to break you, he will keep trying if he thinks he might eventually wear you down.  For that matter, he may keep trying if only to torment you and make your parenting more difficult and your life miserable.

And if he did manage to get you to recant - a horrendous thought - then possibly, knowing his pattern, he'd try to then find a way to have you face charges for lying to the court and even worse try to get the courts to see you as a person who is "not credible"!  So the answer to him is definitely NO WAY!  (Frankly, you shouldn't even have to ask... .  did you pose this mainly to seek peer support for what you're still enduring?  Besides we can't give legal advice anyway.)

What you cannot do is decide to cave in just to "get him off your back".  Lying to the court about his abuse - or even minimizing it - won't make him any happier with you.  Even if you did everything he wanted, he would still demand more and still make your life miserable.  The fact is that there is no way to appease him.  None.  So just be the parent of your child and deal with his chaos, blaming, demands, sabotage and obstruction as best you can.  You still have 16 years of parenting ahead where he will be in your face, metaphorically if not literally.

[motherof1yearold]

You are totally right FD. Though I am still genuinely scared, what else could possibly go wrong? I find it hard to believe he will be able to get that taken off his record, though it just shows how much in denial he is, if it isn't on his record , it WILL totally disappear from his mind.

[GaGrl]

OK, let's be logical for a moment. Your stbx wants to re-open a 3 year old case in which he was convicted of DV? And wants to intimidate you into changing your testimony? Really?

As if all that needs to happen is for you to say, "Well, Your Honor, my stbx and I are in the midst of a high conflict divorce with child custody at issue."

And how much credibility does he have at that point?

[motherof1yearold]

I don't know. I am totally intimidated though. It is far fetched but I can tell indefinitely that he IS pursuing this. It is so stressful!

[GustheDog]

I don't know. I am totally intimidated though. It is far fetched but I can tell indefinitely that he IS pursuing this. It is so stressful!

Well, I can't say I'm familiar with the details, but what's the worst case scenario?

You get subpoenaed, you provide your truthful testimony - presumably consistent with the truthful testimony, if any, that you provided in connection with the original prosecution, and that's that.  Certainly the state will also ask you questions that are likely to elicit what he has said to you recently, and that will also be on the record.

On what basis is he challenging his prior conviction?

[ForeverDad]

You have to consider too that he has tried many times to intimidate, control or punish you.  This is yet another attempt.  Quite predictable.  Whether he wins or loses, he will still know he caused you distress, for him just that will have been worth it.  See?

So what you have to do is accept he will pull your chain, so to speak, as much as he can.  Your best coping mechanism is to accept that.  Realize that he can cause chaos in your life but it's up to you do decide how much you let him keep you off guard.

Remember how distressed you were last year that he was claiming you were a bad mother and tried to totally block your parenting?  Yet, look back now from the vantage point now with it all in the past.  He failed.  Yes, he should have had bigger consequences but he still failed to block your parenting, right?  Not so scary anymore, right?  Same with this current issue.  Right now, with it looming and a big unknown impact, it's scary.  Hopefully, next year you can look back with relief and say, "Sure, it was scary, it was distressing, but now that it's over, I'm so glad it's past and I can relax a little again (before the next sabotage)."

You have Eddy & Kreger's handbook "Splitting".  Browse it.  It tells you the common pitfalls lawyers use to make you stumble and sabotage your case.  Learn from the examples there.  Learn how to answer just the questions asked, don't add extra, that may get you into trouble.  Look to your lawyer for guidance as to whether to answer or not.  Etc.

Probably too your new counselor, the one who told you that your case was one of the most extreme he's seen, can help you too.

[Matt]

I think you're giving him space in your head.

If he plead guilty, it will be very hard for him to even get the court to hear the case.  And if that happens, and he subpoenas you - which I would think is very unlikely - all you have to do is tell the truth.

I've testified under oath a couple of times, once in my divorce case and once in a criminal case, and I was nervous, but both times it was really very easy, because all I had to do was answer the questions I was asked, and stop.  My attorney told me to do just that - don't add anything - if "Yes" or "No" or "I don't know" will do, then just say that.  And I followed her advice, and in both cases, it was over quickly and easily.

I'm not a lawyer, and there may be some aspect to this that I'm not familiar with, but criminal courts are not in the business of reopening criminal cases, especially when there was a guilty plea.  You are very unlikely to be involved in whatever he is cooking up.  But if the worst that could happen is that you have to go to court, be sworn in, and answer some questions truthfully, my suggestion would be, quit giving him room in your head.  Just let him do whatever he's doing and try not to worry about it.

[ForeverDad]

And be very, very, very, very, very careful not to talk with him about it or any topic remotely connected to it.  He would likely try to con you into chatting (or trying to explain yourself) about the events back then or since.  He may even be trying to discredit you, using the recent court actions and divorce to attack your credibility.  (I think that's what he's trying to do and use that claim as basis to reopen the past?)  For now, until you know what may or may not develop, for now make vey sure you don't ever talk about it to him (or any of his supporters, friends or even mutual friends).

My lawyer always told me his first job was to sit on his clients so they couldn't talk and make things even worse for themselves than they already were.  He said saying things like "But All I did was... .  " would just make his job harder and his clients' bills bigger.

I recall that ex sometimes would change masks, seek you out and want you to spend time with him.  That's still dangerous, don't fall for that ploy, he has ulterior motives, his own and they're not good ones for you.

[Matt]

Good points from FD.  Following up a little... .  here's how it works where I live - probably similar throughout the US:

First, recognize that a criminal case is not "Accused vs. Victim".  On TV, they say, "She didn't press charges", but that's just TV - it's not the victim who "presses charges".

It's "The State vs. X".  You are a witness, not a party to the case.  You don't get to decide what happens, you only can be called as a witness.  (In my state, the victim also has the right to be heard when the sentence is passed - but not to decide it.  So if the prosecutor is about to offer a plea agreement, or if the judge is about to pronounce sentence, the victim has the right to say what she thinks, and that goes on the record, and judges can take it into account.)

Even when someone who has accused another person of a crime changes her mind, and says, "He didn't do it.", that does not mean the charges will be dropped.  The prosecutor will usually continue with the case, and try to get a conviction anyway.

So don't take this all on yourself.  It's a case he may bring in court, and the court may decide to hear it, and then it will be a fight between him and the prosecutor.  Very, very few cases are re-heard later - there has to be completely new information or the court won't even hear the case.  And if the court hears it, the prosecutor will talk with you, and it will be on her (the prosecutor) to deal with it, not you, except you can be called as a witness.

And... .  in my state, it is a crime for someone who has been charged with a crime to contact a witness.  If he even calls you and says "Hi", he may be breaking the law.  You can report that to the police or the prosecutor, and he can be charged with that crime, and fined or put in jail.  The idea is to protect witnesses from being intimidated.  It might not be exactly the same in every state, but as FD suggests, you will be wise not to discuss this with him at all, and if he tries to talk to you about it, report that to the police, and maybe they will at least tell him not to contact you again.

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you all for your replies.

I am still wondering if you can "go back to court" and dispute a case that ex plead guilty to 3 years ago?

Either he is having  a huge reality distortion or he is feeling guilty, but then again he is never guilty , only blames, so he is now blaming me for "lying" and "beating myself up" (LOL it's comical at this point)

It's peculiar he is basically kissing my butt right now when he brings this up but perhaps that is because his birthday is tomorrow. I don't know. Though he is borderline, FD is right when he said  more of his problems are from AsPD - It just took me this long to figure it out.

Well I am still worried if he does dispute this, and subpoena me, that if I told the truth he would punish me further. So I just hope it doesn't happen :S

[Matt]

"... .  if I told the truth he would punish me further".  How could he punish you?

Are you still communicating with him?  Can you get an Order Of Protection or restraining order to keep him from contacting you?

Or maybe just quit taking his calls.  If he calls, and you see his number pop up on your phone, just let it go to voice-mail, and then don't return his call.

It doesn't sound like he is someone you want in your life.  So why is he still in your life?

[motherof1yearold]

I feel if I don't comply or , if I am forced to tell the truth in this case, and testify to his abuse, he will punish me further seeking more custody.

I am especially scared because we are going back to mediation in a couple months from now regardless when my daughter turns 2.

He is very vengeful and I am afraid of angering him.

[Matt]

So assume that he will "punish" you by seeking more custody.  But forget about his motivation - you're assuming he will do that, and you believe that his motivation is to punish you, but forget that.  Just assume the worst - he will seek more custody.  And deal with that.

What case can he make for more custody?  What case can you make, for the same, or for more time with you?  Focus on those issues - making the most positive case for yourself as primary parent, and countering any case he might make for himself.

Find out what criteria your state uses - many use 9 criteria based on Minnesota's - and figure out how to show you are good for each of those criteria.  For example, one of them might be, "Parent is able to care for child's needs - food, health care, education, etc."  How can you prove with evidence that you are good at that?  Can you show evidence that he isn't?

If you will focus on that stuff - the criteria and the evidence - then you can quit thinking about his motivations, and quit worrying about his crazy criminal case (which is extremely unlikely to be a problem).

Again:  Courts are not in the business of reopening criminal cases which have already been decided.  It is very unlikely that any court will even hear this case.  If the court hears it, and you testify, your only option is to tell the truth.  And in any case - if his case is heard or not, and if you testify or not - he can ask for more custody, and you will need to present your case the best you can.  So focus on that!

[motherof1yearold]

I've been preparing to go back to court anyway, you never know what is up his sleeve. My lawyer wants to bring him back to court or mediation based on the fact he is NEVER there on his parenting time to actually 'parent' the baby! Which my lawyer believes is good basis to go for more custody before the judge.

I am comforted by your words, I do hope he isn't seriously trying to dispute a case he already plead guilty to... .  though the fact he knew every intimate detail from my criminal case that was just closed make me believe he is not bluffing... and with his negative advocate parents , who never wanted to believe their son is an abuser, I believe they hired him yet another attorney and may even be pushing him to rid this of his record... .  

I know if he subpoenaed me I would have to break his case, resulting in serious punishment for me , for wasting his money and time. He has told me he is resentful and always will be because of that charge. I told him he earned it all by himself!

[Matt]

I know if he subpoenaed me I would have to break his case, resulting in serious punishment for me , for wasting his money and time. He has told me he is resentful and always will be because of that charge. I told him he earned it all by himself!

"He has told me... .  "

"I told him... .  "

Why are you talking to this guy?

I do not talk to my ex about anything except practical matters related to the kids.  We probably talk about once a month, maybe 10 or 20 words total - "I'm running late but I'll be there in about 10 minutes."  "OK, thanks."  That's it.

If she called me and started in about any other issue - things from the past, threats, whatever - I would hang up the phone and not pick up if she called back.

You need to just quit talking to him about anything except very practical matters related to the kids.  And that should be by e-mail.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the prior posts... .  limit all conversations with him to just this: (1) parenting and (2) exchanges.  Period.  Yes, be polite, but don't join him in his life.

So what if it's his birthday?  Or yours?  You know that joining in will not help you.  He has only his interests at heart, you're his target to be treated good or bad, usually bad, at his whim.  Let him live his life and you live your life, separately as much as possible.

[motherof1yearold]

I know Matt and FD... .  sometimes he just tries to suck me in and it really works... .