Too much time to thing

[crashintome]

I'm on spring break from work and all I have done is sit around and think and mope.  I feel so worthless.

In my musings, I have this question I'm hoping some of you can shed some light on.  Why are they so intent on making us feel crazy.  My ex would suggest marriage, a wonderful, happy life together, a future.  Then, as quick as a flash, she would take it all back and tell me I was imagining it.

She would even do things:  kiss me, hold my hand, hold me affectionately but she would tell me I was reading too much into it and that I was "crazy".  She would call me crazy almost once a day.  Any time I would point out any sort of romantic behavior, she would flip a switch and tell me I was imagining it all.

When I went in for a visit, SHE kissed ME and later, she accused me of kissing her and told me I took advantage of her "broken heart"

I guess I'm just feeling down.  She's back with her ex.  She isn't speaking to me.  I heard she proposed, even though she hasn't updated her Facebook so I doubt she is serious (she does NOTHING without telling Facebook about it).  In my heart, I know she won't work out with this other girl.  I know I haven't heard the last of her.

I'm still posting in undecided because, even though my brain knows I should run, my heart is a moron and God knows what will happen if/when I hear from her.

I read the posts on here and so many of you seem like you know what the deal is.  I feel like I'm still floundering.  I feel lost at sea with no signs of help.  I really feel like I'm drowning in all of this and I don't know what to do.  I feel so lost and alone and sad.  My heart literally hurts.  I wish it would all just stop.

[crashintome]

And the title should say think, not thing. 

[elessar]

I am sorry to hear you are going through so much pain. We have all experienced the same behavior. They make us seem crazy because the other option would be to admit to themselves that they are crazy. They do know when something is wrong. And if something is wrong, it is either your fault or their's. And how many times have you seen a BPD in denial take responsibility. I must have gotten only a couple of true apologies in two years.

Don't be alone in your apartment. Go out and do something. It is spring break for me too... .  but I am at work... .  and it will be 9:30 in the night! The pain isn't different here from being at home... .  but at least I feel it less here than if I was at home... .  

Watch a movie, watch a Tv show. I have started watching Friends again late at night for laughs. Do something to bring smile to your face... .  even if it is a temporary smile, better than nothing right?

[daze]

She would call me crazy almost once a day.

Crashintome,

This might be an example of projection.  She might feel she's crazy and she's pushing her feeling onto you to make herself feel better.  Most of us have been through the pwBPD's projection. No bueno.

Find some stuff to keep your mind off it, as Elessar recommended. 

[tut-uncommon]

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I am in similar territory! I havent seen another SO from her yet but I wouldnt be surprised . . 

What I recommend is to get help (grief counseling - because its the same pain as the death of a loved one). It does help.

Read as much about BPD as you can. These boards, books like "stop walking on eggshells" by Mason/Kreger

Mind your MIND!

Lately Ive been trying to stop my mind from playing memories and fantasies (with themes where you reunite or that she finally understands, etc) and substituting happy ones like I had before her. It works but YOU have to be vigilant . .  My mind has beaten me to a pulp several times already and it leaves me miserable  :'(

My T told me that THOUGHTS lead to FEELINGS that bring about BEHAVIOR.   Wow, she was soo right!

You dont have to sit there and be miserable and vulnerable.

Lastly, welcome to the board      There are many of us here that feel just like you.