Having a rough day

[qcarolr]

Feeling sick to my stomach today after verbal attack by DD. Seems to be triggered by our r/s with gd7; gd7 standing up to some of her mom's demands - I feel OK with this action by gd. She dregged up lots of old stuff - opened old wounds - I just froze. None of my awesome skills were anywhere to be found. I started out by defending, explaining... .    eventually kind of zoned out as she repeated her charges against me. Do not remember exactly all the details. got tired of being called bad names and how bad I am for gd and for dd, bad names all over dh (he was gone to work, gd was gone to school). After about 45 minutes I got up to leave the room, she got in my face - I got right back in her face - she actaully grabbed at my throat before she backed off enough for me to get my purse and walk out. Then she stood by car with her foot under it so I could not back out. I told her to step back or I would honk the horn til a neighbor came. So I laid on the horn for several minutes before she stepped back. Now at work, but not doing much good. So want to go home - I need my meds I forgot this morning and some food.

I just can't stop crying. I called a friend, she is not available til later this afternoon. I think I have felt this coming -- in my desire to run away mode the past week or so. Feeling very withdrawn emotionally at home. Am very sad that she has taken up with the ex-exbf again - the one she is ambivalent about. I asked her if he is feeding this anger she has toward me about gd today. boy, that set her off. Maybe I hit a hot spot. I know he thinks we are way too lenient with gd -- and dd has been intervening more and more the past few days when gd is being slow at getting her task done, and my voice gets more intense. Suddenly Dd is there yelling at gd to do what she is needing to do. Then gd talks back to her mom - and I just want to run screaming out the door.

Exbf has been visiting - pushing the no-overnight rule a couple times. Dh refuses to intervene or allow me to initervene. The last time he went down, a couple weeks ago, to check that exbf had left DD blew her stack about our 'lack of trust'  and 'invasion of privacy'.

This is a big ol vent I guess. I am feeling so stuck. I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE!

And then DD attacked my  faith, and gd's faith. Threatened to throw the movie gd has been watching "the prince of egypt' - the story of moses and the exodus of iseralites from egypt. She just can't stand our talking openly about our beliefs in the house. And hateful nasty name calling of good neighbors next door - she blamed them for gd's belief in God.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

I am overwhelmed by sadness and disappointment. In myself. For not being able to follow my own advice. For putting myself in such a vulnerable place today. Gotta figure out how to put my armour back on so home before gd gets home from school. Need back up plan if DD is still rampaging - maybe go to library or something with gd after school.

Will stop now - not getting anywhere with all this lamenting. Thanks for listening.

qcr :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Sometimes all you have is lamenting. Dealing with a person you have accepted as they are does not mean that you are not prone to feeling emotions that don't necessarily coincide with that radical acceptance. 

I think it's OK to feel defeated to the point of giving up - and then talking about those feelings.

Taking a time out was/is good.

Try again tomorrow.

Take care of you.         

[Reality]

qcaroir,

Does the ex-exbf do drugs?  Just wondering if your dd might be doing substances again.   Your dd was very difficult today.  Yikes!

You are a truly amazing woman, brilliant, kind and so persistent.  

I hope you have a much better evening.

Reality

[peaceplease]

qcr,

 .  I am so sorry that you are having an awful time with dd.   I wish that you can have the peace that you so deserve. 

You said that exbf has been pushing the no-overnight rule.  Does that mean that he actually stayed overnight? 

I hate the sound of your dd bullying you.  Does your dh know what occured with your dd, today?  I hope that you two can come up with a plan, as this does not seem to be working.  Your home should be a place that you can relax in.  It is terrible when you can't.  I know when my dd live with me, I have had my moments where I coudl not escape her.  She was right behind me.  I locked my bedroom door, and she was out there harrssing me. 

I know that it is an awful situation for you!

Prayers for you to have peace in your home.  

 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Home now - DD in her room on her computer. So glad I have no part in her fb stuff. No comment from her. Gd bus here in 5 minutes.

exbf is never here in morning - if he can borrow his mom's car he comes late (midnight) and is gone before morning. if he is here in afternoon/evening he leaves at about 9:30pm. just don't know what is up with DD here. example: she was wanting us to hire this ex and other homeless friends to do some yard work - moving rocks - big job I need done in one day. We are hiring someone with truck for 6 tons of rocks and his crew of 3-4 to do it. yesterday told her ex could do some hlep with other stuff later this spring. She looked angry and said "I don't want him around that much".  Then he is here at midnight -and I was really angry. This is latest he has ever come over. I know she was pushing to see what we would do. Dh lay in bed and said - LEAVE IT, he has car, he will be gone before morning.  I know he is wanting to avoid confrontation with gd here - it always wakes her up. We know when he comes because dogs bark.

DD was here this am - DD started in on gd when she was slow getting ready for bus - I hurried her out the door.

DD's big thing is to say to me "mom, you always walk away and never deal with it".  Well, I do come back and try to deal withit. I just don't change my mind about stuff. Like gd saying "listen grandma, " the 4th time she asks for the same thing and my answer is still NO.

Have to stop trying to figure out DD. Nowhere else for her to go.

qcr

[mggt]

Dear qcarlor,  So sorry to hear of your terrrible day with your d.  we all know how incredibly hard it is . It can throw you off all day or all week.  Its just too much to put up with so dont blame yourself that you did not respond correctly you did.  we r human also and we r always careful of what and how we say things to our BPD .  It would be nice if they could worry about how they speak and treat us and what a awfull toll it has put on us.  Give your gd a big hug and hang in there from all your previous post you sound like an incredible lady and caretaker .  Dont doubt yourself for one minute give yourself a break .  You deserve it mggt

[peaceplease]

qcr,

How about an addendum added to the "overnight rule"  Like, no guests after midnite.

I know what you mean about your dd commenting about walking away.  My dd tells me to grow up when I tell her that I am hangin up because I am done with the conversation.    It is so frustrating when we want a time out, and they want to carry on.

I hope that your dd will realize how she affected you and be truly remorseful.

I sure hope you have a way better night!

 

peaceplease

[griz]

qcr: I am sorry you are having such a hard time and I can so identify with the wanting to run away and just give up.  Usually when this happens I have not choice but to disconnect or I will lose my mind.  It is so hard sometimes to enforce our boundaries when they wear us down and we just give in to have some peace.  Maybe that is what you dh does. 

I am glad you can come here an lament, yest sometimes that is all we can do, but at least you know you are being heard and loved.  You are an incredible mother and grandmother. You amaze me.

Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Love,

Griz

[qcarolr]

I am unbelievably sad tonight. Gd and I went to library after school - DD was still spewing hateful things my way about eviciting her in dec 2009 so she was homeless after 60 days in jail (she & bf both charged with assault - DD claimed self-defense - I was done and did not bail her out and got restraining order). What has triggered this black hole she has tossed me into?

Anyway - dh got home while at library and shared our private conversation from when exbf arrived at midnight - I was so upset. He totally told DD that exbf was the 'best thing you have going'. So when I walk in the door with gd, she attacks me with dh's words about my upset.

And now when I tell dh how hurt I am by this - he justifies what he said to her. Adding that I have been acting like a 'know it all'. ANd he was VERY upset that I would honk the horn in the driveway. He just did not get that she was holding me captive - he shrugged it off. He has always been more worried about the neighbors 'knowing' than about me anyway. So guess I am black with him too.

Feeling very defeated. If gd was not a part of my life, I would leave tonight to think this all through.

So, DD was supposed to go register for GED prep classes and take pre-test at 9am today - it was after that when I finally got out of the house. So she is angry with me about this too. Very sacarstic when I told her I was available to drive her to see her probation officer tomorrow at 8am - have to leave immediately after put gd on bus.

I am going to resign as DD's admin. assistant. She can keep track of her own schedule - I need 3 days warning if she needs a ride to an appt. Not sure when things will settle enough for me to tell her this.

GD came up and told me she asked her mom to stop yelling and she said OK. She is in the shower now. Hope things settle. I am staying out of her way.

Feeling trapped here tonight. Luckily have appt with my T tomorrow - have been waiting for a month. Will see how things go. Actually feeling a tiny bit like calling it quits on all life tonight. But gd needs me. I will cling to that til I can get over this brick wall facing me. Gotta find the courage and strength to just bust it down. I know the sun is shining on the other side - I know it is.

Gotta go - dh asked me to do my work downstairs tonight. Trapped - by both dh and dd.

qcr :'( :'(

[qcarolr]

I believe this is also persecution because I have returned to my faith and went to a womens group meeting on Monday night and have been going to bible study on Tuesday mornings and church on Sunday. gd has stopped going to church with me most of the time - not sure how to puzzle that out - she has trouble sitting still in the sunday school and the music is too loud in the service. Just feel so beat up tonight. Haven't felt this way in a very long time -- not even when DD homeless or any other incicdent since she returned home. Maybe dh turning on me.

qcr

[qcarolr]

And maybe dh being a good listener to all my sharing of reading I have been doing about parenting and BPD has made him feel put down somehow. The 'know-it all'

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

qcaroir,

An extinction burst... .  you have changed and everyone is working hard to change you back.

You go, girl.

Reality

[somuchlove]

qcr   to you.  I wish I could say something that would help you as you have been able to do for me.  You are very strong and have so much knowledge.  It is so hard when you know this is how it is and yet it can so get to you.  We try to be strong.  Sometimes we just have to let go.  I hope you feel all the strenght here.  Sometimes I wish we all could get on a boat together and just give each other hugs, laugh and cry together for even a day. 

[suchsadness]

Count me in for the boat ride!  

qcr - my heart goes out to you, I can feel your pain as I read your posts... .  and have been there with the feelings you have.  Know that you are not alone and like you said, the sun is shining - believe that you will feel the warmth soon   

I agree with peaceplease, that your home should be a place to relax but even more... .  a safe and happy place.  I worried when I read that your dd "actually grabbed at your throat".  The fear of being grabbed by the throat is as scary as physically being grabbed by the throat, I know from experiencing this with my abusive ex husband who used to grab me by the throat.  I am not great at giving advice (because I don't always even listen to my own gut feelings) - but I do feel like I need to encourage you to address that with your dd by letting her know that this is inappropriate and you won't tolerate it.  The act or attempt of doing that could very soon become physical... .  that makes me concerned for you.   :'(

I hope things will be better for all of you soon - please take care of yourself, you are in my prayers!   

[Thursday]

qcarolr,

I'm so sorry to hear about your bad day. I hope it doesn't continue.

You've been in this place before and have gotten through it and things even improved.

It's a cycle.

I hear you asking over and over, "what triggered her" and I'm glad to read those words because it shows me that you deeply and fully understand that this latest round of bullying and threatening by your DD is NOT ABOUT YOU. I hear you that everyone is blaming you. Can I encourage you to sit it for a minute and not to involve yourself in this unbalanced finger pointing? Float above it, if at all possible. Surround yourself and GD in a white cloud and sail away... .  

DD putting her hands on you is soo worrisome. Promise us here, you will call the police if it happens again. Curious (in a "I'm a curious person" sort of way) what does your hubby say about your DD having her hands on you.

I know you don't want to involve the police but do, DO PROMISE, that you will draw an immediate line if she puts her hands on you again. UHHHHHHgggggg. You MUST keep yourself safe, your DD cannot control herself and you have to do what you can to keep her from crossing a line that could mess things up with no going back. Save her from herself.

I hope that the out-of-control cycle is now winding down. I know you want to keep your DD at home. I know you want to help her. She is mentally ill and that means that no amount of the sanity of others will keep her from going off the deep end when the stars line up that way for her. There aren't any magic words or solutions. It becomes a waiting game until the cycle ends.

Meanwhile, you have to utilize common sense, what you've learned here, your better than their's judgement (hey q, is it ok to think that you might just "know it all" compared to who is accusing you so negatively?)

Breathe in, breathe out. This too shall pass... .  

thursday

[somuchlove]

qcarolr,

(hey q, is it ok to think that you might just "know it all" compared to who is accusing you so negatively?)

Breathe in, breathe out. This too shall pass... .  

thursday

Humm  What thursday wrote above made me think a little.  Do our BPD person fight so hard because they see validaty in what we are saying.  How can they turn the tables and make us think we are doing it all wrong, shake our confidance in what we think we understand.  qcarol you understand this process so well.  It is so hard how the one we love so much and try to help can devastate us so.   

[peaceplease]

qcr,

OH MY!  My heart sunk when I read that your dh sided with your dd.  Perhaps, this is just all too much for him.  Idk.  Surely, he gets angry with dd's actions at times?   I can imagine that this is not easy for him, either.  i am sure that your dd gave him "her version" of what happened.  I woud imagine that if he witnessed the incident that he would not be in agreement with dd.

I wondered why you would not contact the police when she was being violent.  Then, I realized that she is on probation, and that would be a violation?  I can recall a lifetime ago, when my ex-h pysically assaulted me.  I contacted the police.  He was on probation at time and was worried that I would press charges.  I told him that I would not press charges. At the time, I was concerned about safety for me and baby at the time.  The police removed him from the home, and placed him in local lockup overnight.   

Please don't allow your dd to bully you.  Fortunately, your gd was not there to witness.  I am so glad that you have T appointment today.

I hope today is a much better day, my friend.   You are in my prayers.  

 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

I have not read replies yet. On mobile so not very good typing on touch screen. T worried about me destablizing bipolar. Use my angry passionate energy of worry for gd to take action. I know wwhat I need to do when I pause to listen. Texted dd to leave by 4 today. Shdid my best to focus on my needs Emma Jedediah and safety for us. Do not want anyone hurt or in jail. Do not want to lose gd to courts. Ultimately the judge is in control of her destiny with our having custody order. Please pray for each of us in my family. Dh. Edd. Gd.  Me.

Qcr

[mamachelle]

Hi qcr

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure your DH is also feeling overwhelmed and also jealous of the boards, your work, your research, and your church-- it all distracts from HIM. My H can get the same way and does not have tolerance for endless talk of BPD. It stinks, but I do understand that he has not done nearly 20 % of the self work I have done and continue to do.

Try to step back and disengage and in those moments when you can try to look at the current situation from a more neutral place.

Also pull the car over and breathe in a literally neutral, not church, not driveway, not work, not school parking lot... .  space.

Keep posting.  

Yours,

Mamachelle

[swampped]

Dear, dear qcarol:  I have just logged on and found your post, and want to add my prayers and support as you face this newest crisis.  Please take care of yourself, and listen to your T!  Have you missed any med doses?  Is it time for a change in meds or dosage?  This is still the dark side of the year, although days are getting longer---are you getting enough light?  Are you sleeping?  When everything looks the darkest for me, I sometimes have to be reminded to do a "chemistry check".  I second the opinion of others that you should not be afraid to call the police if she physically threatens you---it may be that jail is what the Lord has in mind for her.  (Sorry if that is too harsh, but there is that old "let go and let God". 

Take care, dear qcarol, and know that everybody here is rooting for you.  You have a world of support at these boards!   With love,  Swampped   

[jellibeans]

Dear qcr

I don't think being called a "know it all" is that bad... .  you probably are because you have taken the time to educate yourself on a disorder that is so hard to understand... .  I can just imagine how deep it hurt when your dh turned on you. Put it aside... .  out of your mind... .  don't doubt yourself. I am concerned about your safety. You need to think of yourself and gd.

I wish I could give you a big   ... .  it is so good to have such support here on this board... .  stay strong and remember there will always be days like this... .  they will pass... .  there will be good ones to come. Try to take some time for yourself... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

All the love poured out on me today - thank you so much.

Just nowhere for DD to go, other than a motel that we could not afford. She talked with her case manager at mental health - there is just no housing available anywhere in county. Long wait lists everywhere. I knew this already - was just wanting something to be different today.

Gd had her T today and asked me to stay in waiting room - this is a good thing. She has needed me in with her most of the time since we started with this T for us before age 5. When DD was first evicted and homeless. I just did not know how to talk with gd about this. Gd is doing good.

Dd and I have agreed to stay out of each others space when we cannot be civil with each other. I have not brought up the overnight stay by exbf last night. She knows this is one of issues today. DD does not want to go to jail - has to have a place to live, she cannot be homeless.

DD's focus is that she feels I exclude her from gd. My realilty -- DD excludes herself with focus on exbf being here or being gone with friends. The girls were watching a movie together, having a snack - so I asked DD if she wanted to do the bedtime stuff with gd tonight. She has always hesitated to do this. So gd actually invited her mom to do this. All I said was in her room by 8:30 and lights out by 9. We will see how it goes.  They are reading gd's new library books and laughing at the dogs. AHHHHH - laughter is good, even second hand.

For me with gd, I have to be more consistent in holding her accountable for her rude behaviors to me. Gd has also been pushing my buttons and I was in denial about this part. This was a possible trigger for DD and for dh.

I have been overloading myself - too much information. And on triggering topics. Especially the books I have been reading about dissociation and BPD... .    It so describes me so much of my life. Not sure if this the PTSD dx or maybe there is more than just bipolar going on with me. I do not meet the criteria for BPD now, but did at an earlier time in my life. So maybe some of that has been leaking out with my stressed out place. I do have an appt already scheduled with pdoc to go over my meds in a couple weeks. And made another appt in 3 weeks with T. So hard to get on his schedule with my HMO. He has walked with me through so much since 1995 - he was my cheerleader today. I am going to allow myself to take a mild tranquilizer during the day this weekend if needed. I do take melatonin and .5 ativan at night, so usually sleep OK. Just not enough hours. And the change to daylight savings time always messes with me - and continues to mess with me until it changes back next November.

Gd asked to eat out on the patio tonight. THe snow melted today - it was 72 degrees! So we mopped off the table and it was so nice for dh, gd and I. Gd loves eating outside because she can take breaks to play without getting reprimanded to sit at table. This works good on vacations too - eat on patio next to play area is great when we can.

So, I have again weathered a very very bad storm. Washed up exhausted on a new beach full of grit and seaweed. Gotta shake it off. The sun comes up yet again. At least until the no over-night guest boundary is pushed again.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Part of my process today was to re-examine my values, goals and what skills I needed to dig out of my melancholy. I discovered they haven't changed - just went into the dark place. A friend at church suggested a book - I know, not another one! But this one is for me, not to share with anyone. Yet, I want to share it with you. It helped me today to read it while waiting for gd a T's office.

":)aring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We, Love, Parent and Lead" by Brene Brown. I was reading the chapter about shame today. OUCH. I am so in denial about this. Think I need to check out some other boards here again - focus on my personal growth and let go of the BPDDD for awhile.

So my values:

A Peaceful home - kindness and respect for each other

Goals:

Healthy environment for gd

Peaceful Life

dd helping herself -- letting GO

Path: nuture the important relationships in my life, even when they get tough.

Tools:

Reach out for help when I need it   (T, you guys, my faith-mentor today)

Taking extra meds. when needed

Find my calm place - 3x5 cards in my purse with quotes, scriptures, breathing, mindfulness activity

Eat a good meal (salad at McDonald's - the nice new one with no play area and a fireplace with quiety music)

Then I can:

Remember my boundaries - need to ask for a family meeting to work through the impacts of these together

Practice some validating phrases or questions - maybe these will come back tomorrow.

Put some family fun things into the busy schedule - go bowling or to Nature and Science Museum this weekend. Invite DD.

I am so blessed to have the support I do now - I forget in the heat of the moment that it is here for me now. I have not always had this. Next time I need to figure out I need help sooner - I felt this coming for past week to 10 days.

Thanks so so much for being here for me today.

qcr  

[somuchlove]

  just sending a few your way.  Sounds like your strength is coming back.  Hope you have a nice week end.

[qcarolr]

Still in a 'high alert' state today within myself. Dh and i ran errands today. I am a fast, loud talker in this state and hard to moderate in public. So we had chance to talk things out in truck while in parking lot at hardware store. I asked him to just listen to my story of past week with much comment - he did not need to 'fix' anything, just listen to my story. He was surprised this is what he needed to do?  But he seemed to get the parts of the story DD had been leaving out talking to him when I was not there. He seemed to get why I was so distressed.

I stepped back as much as I could today - let dh drive dd to her treatment appt at probation (she actually went - was last chance - had blown off 3 appts in a row). She did not answer her phone earlier to meet gd school bus - we were 5 minutes late. So gd and her playdate friend were waiting on the porch when we drove in. They had got dd to come up from her room to put dogs out. THis pissed me off. She was making this huge big deal about my not allowing her access to gd. Managed evening OK. DD seemed in good enough mood.

She had told dh yesterday when he got home, before gd and I, how 'out of control I was' and how I drove off so she could not go to her ged meeting. She did not mention holding me captive with her foot under the car. She just said I was honking the horn for no reason. Dh still has me in the crazy category today. He did say "NO" when DD told him I had tomove out, not her, and they could manage gd and the house without me. One small favor.

So I am still the bipolar crazy mom that needs rest and more meds today. Maybe this is partly true. I am a little confused. I took a nap after dinner while they all watched a moive with gd. I kind of give up for now. Moving through the motions of family life. Trying to focus on the little good times - walking the dog, reading goodnight book to gd, getting to take a nap uninetrrupted.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe i will be better yet.

qcr

I had called dh to say DD neede to move out yesterday - he really doesn't take this in at work so was out of the loop on this. She is staying for now. Dh does not want to bring up anything controversial - like talking about boundaries again. He wants to cope with things as they come, imagining this will work in the heat of the moment. I give up on this for now too. But exbf and anyone else planning to visit needs to be gone by 9pm. The house has to settle, and we don't want our peaceful mornngs intruded upon. We will also address this with anyone that comes in to visit. Most likely will not go well. I give up on this too.

[vivekananda]

qcr I am so sorry. I have not seen any of this happening ... .  but I am here now - sending you so much best wishes, it should hit you in the face, nice and warm, all the way from across the seas   

I am so glad you revisited your values etc., that was one of the things I thought of. Can I repeat, look after yourself first. You have been an anchor for your loved ones, if you are not ok, then it all gets wobbly. Take time to breathe, connect with the universe and seek energy for yourself and strength too. Take care.

Re the 'know it all', the bi-polar, the old   maybe there is something in all that. Whether there is or not, the way to address it all is to find your inner calm, regain balance. Take care.

As for your dh, how sad it is. How predictable they are. For myself, I know it is hard for my dh that I 'know it all' especially when I catch him out not doing it right. He becomes so defensive. They do that. And I do need to harness my energies too because they can also be a touch internally frenetic. I try to settle and find my inner calm.

Don't worry that your gh is not 'doing your God' with you (pls forgive my flippant way of putting it, it's not meant to be disrespectful, just all encompassing of the situation). Well, that is just requiring acceptance from you, it doesn't need to be of concern. After all, you are modelling the behaviours, the commitment and all that she needs to know. She will return, go away and return again and again through her life. I think that could be good. In time, with your example, she will make her own commitment.

It is easy for people to hurt us by attacking our beliefs. Our beliefs are so personal to us, so important and so real. It's the easiest thing to say 'your church is ... *#!@... .  ' - so, while it may hurt, we can recognise it for what it is (it's childish) and let it go.

Your dd is not a well person. Isn't there some theory that things can improve and reach a point where there has to be some sort of collapse before it goes on to the next stage? Two steps forward and one step back?

Please qcr, we all love you dearly. You mean so much to us. You have helped us all personally and with your story, your example. I think all need to do is breathe, remember your values, walk your path. I will be saying the serenity prayer for you tonight.

best wishes,

viv   

[pessim-optimist]

qcr,

just caught up on your story.        Don't know how it escaped my attention   . So sorry, would have liked to be there for you to hold your hand earlier on while it was happening... .  

I think you are figuring out all the particulars of the story. That's good. In short - too many things can pile up and then overwhelm us. We often do not see it coming soon enough, because the issues creep up on us so slowly, we adjust to the pressure and don't properly notice... .  And then, one day, it's too much to handle (especially if we haven't slept enough that night).

That being said, be gentle with yourself,    we are not superhuman, as much as we would like to be. And it's ok.     It feels like we should be able to help ourselves when we are able to advise others, but it is hard when we are depleted, subjected to attack, and not able to push the "pause" button in the middle of a heated conversation to go get ourselves a cup of tea and think it over, before we reply... .  

Your comment about it being spiritual: I completely agree. I haven't figured out how much of the BPD is psychological and how much is spiritual, but I can tell you this: I have had several occasions when I was attacked by a pwBPD about a private issue/conversation that I had with someone else that the pwBPD had NO WAY OF KNOWING about! I am inclined to believe that insomuch as the pwBPD is not aligned with God, they are susceptible to other spirits. And having those two opposing influences unleashed in one house can be intense. ("A house divided against itself won't stand"

Two things I notice that are undermining your situation: not having full support of your dh at times, and having your dd living with you - I find it so difficult to live with a pwBPD (have done it at times). As much as we want to help our children, they can stir up the pot and bring chaos into our house in NO TIME. It is a hard balancing act you are performing, give yourself credit.  I have no practical advice, but I will pray for peace in your house... .