Now what to do... Another scare wish i could post something positive

[somuchlove]

I read what some of you are going through these past few days and feel guilty writing yet another post.  However,  I get wonderful advice here and seem to get it in some sort of perspective.

Ok,  after not talking to dd since the text the other day I called and text a couple times to ask if she was going to check on rooms for us like she had said or should I.  Trying to just act like the texts of we are not welcome there, she hates etc. never happened.  She did call me just a little while ago, of course sounded horrible.  Every thing I ask I got,  I don't know, I don't know.  then she hung up.  then she called back.  I unloaded a little.  Her bf had called and went to see the counselor they had gone to last summer but quite and the counselor said he couldn't see her now since bf had called and made an appt. and is seeing him.  Of course this really really made her mad.  Basically she is mad, didn't want to keep going herself but didn't want bf to go.  So he has now stolen everything from her.  her only counselor that she had poured her heart out to and he is rejecting her and so that proofs that counselors are bad and she will never go to another one.  I didn't comment even though inside me I was wanting to point out to her, well if you had kept going, well at least bf is seeing he has issues.  BUT i kept my mouth shut.  I did ask if the counselor had suggested someone else.  She gave me every reason why she could drive, afford gas, etc.  All of a suddent this guy that she didn't want to go talk to any more is the best thing since sliced bread and he has rejected her.  I imagine he gave her suggestions of where she might go.  I think he is a really good guy.

I told her it sounded like she was really upset and didn't know how she could work things out to go.  Then of course she was a little graphic in telling me where I could stick that bit of information.  Then said,  "i am just shut down, I don't care, maybe I will just kill my baby cause bf will never get her and her self."  she has threatend to do that before with the boys.  She is back into what she went through a few years ago, going to end her life and take the boys life. 

So we don't know whether to go or not.  We are to fly out SAt.  I don't know whether to call her back.  I just don't know... .    ?/

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

I always find it best when my daughter is in a moment to put allow some quiet time before I try to approach her again.  It is different because my DD is only 18 and live at home but I know that when she is having a difficult time, just about anything I say will be met with rejection.  Last night my DD had a hard time dealing with a friend issue.  I knew she was still upset this morning so on our drive into work/school I did not mention it at all.  I was very quiet in the car and let it be.  I waited until later when she came into work to ask her how she was feeling.  She said miserable and I just said that I can really see that, how can I help she answered with you can't.  I again left it alone.  On the way home tonight she finally brought up how she was feeling and she was ready to talk.

Maybe you can let some time go by and then text or call and say, we are coming on Saturday, what can we do while we are there that will be helpful to you.  Maybe she could just use a little break.  Maybe time with you alone, even if it is just something simple.  Don't know if this is helpful or not.

Griz

[somuchlove]

Thanks Griz,  it is helpful.  our impulse is to call back.  Almost force the issue.  I know my dd will play the down and out card as long as she thinks i am on bended knee.   WE have been here before but again, I see things are building and it is scary.  When she says things like killing herself and dd, it does get scary.  Even though she has said that.  I think I am sad because she tells me the one counselor she connected with is now not her's but then i realize if she had really felt that way she would have gone.  Again, the reason she didn't go any more was because bf would go any more.  I am not sure that is how it happened but only she knows the truth.   When she got really crazy when her other 2 were little she went crazy, we could tell she was really stlruggling .  I didn't go out and she ended up hitting her husband.  He, being the drama guy himself called the cops and from there she kept esculating and falling apart she lost custody, and had charges on her record.  What I want to say to her and not sure how is,  she is so worried that bf will do drugs around little one, how does she move out of state, etc, that if she goes around acting totally incapcitated like she is now his family will help him fight to get the little one away.  She has to play the game sort to speak.  I want to tell her that if she is afraid going to hospital will cause her to loose her kids, but if she goes to counseling because she knows she is having panic, etc they will respect her for understanding she has issues and working them out.  I would feel that way.  At least her bf is going to counseling and realizes he needs help.  I wish she would realize that in the eyes of court and people that is what you do.    CAN I TELL or explain that to her?