Thank You

[4ourkids]

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone here for the support given to one another and the helpful advice and tools.

I've been practicing validating my SD11 who is suspected BPD, like her mother (my SO's ex). She's less quick to get angry and seems to be able to keep an even temper. The downside is that it's very tiring to practice a new skill while dealing with someone who seems to never get enough attention.  Will it get easier?  Less tiring?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

Hi 4ourkids

I just saw your post. 

I have a SS10 that I suspect has many BPD traits as well. His mom --my NONH's exW suffers from BPD as well as Bipolar.

SS10 is in therapy and has a diagnosis dx of Mood Disorder-NOS and emerging Bipolar. I have 3 SS now 8, 10 and 15 and 3 bio kids 2yo S , DD13 and 16 from previous marriage.

All kids live with us. Did I mention my exH has BPD as well?



It sounds like you are learning about validation.

Have you read:

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

Essential reading when dealing with a kiddo with BPD traits, those kids that act out, as well as the internalizers, and you and their siblings:

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors

By Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo

Maybe you could post a little more about why you suspect your SD11 is suspected to have BPD?

Is she in therapy now ?

Again, welcome and keep posting!

[4ourkids]

Thanks for the welcome!  Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

Yes she's in therapy. Her psychiatrist mentioned it. Based on the mother's behavior, we're thinking its pretty likely.

Thanks for the reading advice. I'll go check it out!

[vivekananda]

Hi 4ourkids   

It's good to see you here with us. It's hard being a mum an 11yr old girl with BPD. It requires a bit of skill and patience and that can even feel overwhelming at times.

Validation is a real challenge when we first begin to tackle with it. But the difference it can make to our children is so good!

What I determined to do was to try to make validation my default communication style, I am much improved but still have a way to go (my ego gets in the way). Anyway the way I got to where I am now is through reading the books recommended here and engaging in the discussion on the boards here with my peers. Validation has been like peeling the layers off an onion, there are depths to it and the more I put in, the more I developed my understanding, the easier it became to see how I could make it a default mechanism.

Will it get easier, less tiring? Probably, but it will definitely get more rewarding in your relationship with your dd, in your other relationships and I reckon life in general gets better all round.   Just call my Pollyanna 

By the by, my dd is 32, but we have only known of and understood BPD for the last year or so.

Keep up the good work there and keep on posting eh?

cheers,

Vivek    

[mamachelle]

Hi 4ourkids,

I just wanted to let you know that as a mom and a stepmom *not sure if you are married or getting married* you are not alone. You are also not alone in being a stepmom of a kid that has BPD traits who's mom also has BPD. It's hard enough to be one or the other, but both at the same time requires a lot of patience and learning and zen ninja mind tricks.   

Vivek  is absolutely right that validation can be life changing.

As for a lot on my plate, well... .  I've been divorced 8 years and remarried for 6. Not in custody or other battles and none of the kiddos are being used by the other parent to harm or hurt.

I just wanted to say to keep posting here as well as over in Parenting for the day to day issues for dealing with BPDBioMom.

Parenting after the Split

Take Care,

Mamachelle

[4ourkids]

Lmao "and zen ninja mind tricks"!  That's so true!

I think that's the key - we're not alone. When the BP behavior comes up, it's confusing and scary. It's less confusing and scary knowing that there are others who are experiencing similar treatment from someone like that. It was very isolating in the FOG and it has really takes some of the wind out of my DO's ex's sails knowing that it's all bluff and bluster by her. The stories here could have been written by my SO!

We would like to get married. Sooner than later, if possible! SO's ex won't sign anything to have the divorce completed, even after being served. It's like she thinks if she ignores it, it will all go away and he'll come home and be a good husband by respecting the "vows they made before God". She's telling the kiddos this, too. And they've had a separation agreement in place for 4 years!

One day, one BPD behavior-related thing at a time... .