Sooner or latter they have to realize what they threw away

[cal644]

Sooner or latter a spouse with BPD has to realize the great life they threw away - don't they?

[Newton]

cal sorry to break the news but they don't HAVE to do anything... .  

Denial and projection that has been developed over years as a defence mechanism is not going to suddenly vanish... .  

Hitting absolute rock bottom might initiate acceptance... .  but as long as there is new supply to facilitate their delusion its unlikely... .  terribly sad and terribly true... .  

[mango_flower]

I hoped and prayed for months that she would suddenly have a revelation... .  

But her memories of what I thought were a GREAT 10 months appear to be very different to mine... .  

If any of her new friends ask her, I'm sure she'll tell them that it was a cold, unemotional relationship where I never really loved her, never showed that I cared... .  

Which isn't AT ALL how it was - every photo of us shows a couple truly, madly, deeply in love - anyone can see it.

So yeah.  She can't miss something and realise what she threw away, when she genuinely doesn't believe it was that great in the first place!  Sad but true.

[HarmKrakow]

BPD doesn't get build overnight.

Meaning, and this is also crushing me, they don't have to do ANYTHING and you know why?

They have very strong build in self-preservation defense mechanisms. So strong and SO severe that they can block out 'good' thoughts and throw it in a pile of all sorts of memories which they consider the 'past' which 'has been dealth with'. BPDers focus more on the future, the now, not the past.

[hellnback]

"They have very strong build in self-preservation defense mechanisms. So strong and SO severe that they can block out 'good' thoughts and throw it in a pile of all sorts of memories which they consider the 'past' which 'has been dealth with'. BPDers focus more on the future, the now, not the past."

Maybe we need to take a lesson from the BPD folks. I would sure like to focus on the future and the now.

[HarmKrakow]

"They have very strong build in self-preservation defense mechanisms. So strong and SO severe that they can block out 'good' thoughts and throw it in a pile of all sorts of memories which they consider the 'past' which 'has been dealth with'. BPDers focus more on the future, the now, not the past."

Maybe we need to take a lesson from the BPD folks. I would sure like to focus on the future and the now.

Whats wrong with cherishing the past? Whats wrong on holding on to the past?

If something good happened in the past, a cherished moment than you can come back to that no? You can use that as a pin point in your life, maybe you were once happy there, or really sad or wanted to kill yourself. Why? Because you can see how you developed over the past which makes us different from BPDers. Because by being able to see where we once were and how we are now, we have a character, an identity, someone with BPD doesn't have that.

[healingmyheart]

That is a very good question... .  one I've often pondered. 

I do know when we reached the end point and I asked him to leave, my ex BPD seemed to temporarily "see the light" and seemed to feel remorse and understand his behavior and take responsibility but that lasted maybe one evening. The very next day he's back to blaming me, etc. 

They may understand at times how crazy their behavior is and just how much trauma they are causing but the disorder is so encompassing that it starts taking hold again and overshadows any insight they may have had. They seem to be in self-preservation mode at all times.

[recoil]

Let's all remember that all BPDs are not created equal.

My uBPDexgf is able to remember a lot of our great memories from before.  So she is able to look back fondly.  

Of course, that doesn't help with the internal anxiety she has to battle every day of her life.  That must be really hard for her.  I think she knows what we both threw away.  But if she's having an easier time coping with life without me, I am beginning to see how that could be beneficial to her -- and to me.

[TheDude]

Disorder or not, nobody who ends a relationship has to realize anything. On the other hand, there's a much talked about dynamic related to all this called 'recycling'. I've been through it several times. 6-8 months of dead silence every time, after being absolutely certain about ending things (even if the reasonings don't make sense). Upon reappearing? All kinds of realizations and even regrets.I know there's several others here who have experienced the cycling over and over again.

So, yes... .  the cycle * can * come back 180 degrees (I can almost count on it). The question is - then what? As cycles go, it would seem inevitable things end up right back to the bad stuff again. I almost envy those who never hear what they think they want to hear from the ex. Riding the roller coaster for years is exponentially more exhausting than just ending it once - one and done.

[slimmiller]

I think the 'self preservation' thing is very real and that is exactly what mode they are in almost all of the time. It consumes them so deeply that they never empathize or 'feel' your version of things. They cant.

Looking at the family history of my exBPD, it makes perfect sense. Her own mother is the coldest meanest self centered creature I thing I have ever met. Not all the time but she alternates between that and the waif. My exBPD has on occassion admitted to some pretty disturbing things about her mother, like the time her mom cooked for her and her siblings and the food was so bad the dog would not even eat it. Then mom went out on her own by herself and bought her supper while the kids either ate nothing or had to eat the rubbish her mother fixed. Another is where she angered her dad (who was hardly ever around, was an alcoholic and Vietnam vet with PTSD) that he threw her up against the wall. Or mom would sent all the kids to the store to buy candy but keep the one sister at home that she planned on 'getting physical' with meaning a beating.

So in my mind knowing those things about her past, it does not make it okay for her to repeat those things but it helps me to understand that she TRULY is in self preservation mode and, no, she does not remember the good about me and I truly dont think she will ever realize nor care what she thew away. Although it would mean so much fer her to admit that and give me closure, I dont think I ever will see it because she would have to admit 'weakness' and accountability. Something she has NEVER done

:'(

[elessar]

I spend a lot of time in other BPD forums... .  BPDs who are going through treatment and who have recovered a lot. And no, they do not realize unless and until they are in treatment. As long as they are in denial about their condition, it isn't happening. I am hoping against hope that it does, but no, it is a personality illness and the personality will not get cured without treatment. its just biology... .  

[hellnback]

"Whats wrong with cherishing the past? Whats wrong on holding on to the past?

If something good happened in the past, a cherished moment than you can come back to that no? You can use that as a pin point in your life, maybe you were once happy there, or really sad or wanted to kill yourself."

Nothing is wrong with remembering your past and learning from it. But I seem (and others here) to live in the past. I tend to not only remember the past but long for the times I spent with her. She doesn't live in the past at all. She has moved on and became someone completely different NOW.

 All I mean is that I struggle to move forward. My mind keeps taking me back to the many years with her and I find I'm asking "why" all the time. I just want to live for today and look forward to a brighter future.

[wanttoknowmore]

My pwBPD doesnot discard any pictures,gifts or any other reminders of the past .She puts them in her storage after packing up and periodically takes a look at them. Now, 2 week NC and she is still keeping the facebook cover with the dress she is wearing (gift from me) and doesnot change it. She keeps wearing the dress she likes even if it gets old and worn out.

[imstronghere2]

Sooner or latter a spouse with BPD has to realize the great life they threw away - don't they?

Not when they're BPD they don't.  My exwBPD didn't take any family pictures with her when she left and then handed back to us all the family pictures her mother had at her house.  We're talking pics of the kids when they were little and everything, not just any pics that I was in, which were very few.

That's literally throwing away your past life and moving on. 

I don't try to make sense out of it anymore because I can't and that's where you need to be.  Accept what you cannot change.  Once you get there, you will feel some relief just keep moving in that direction.  We're all with you on this.

imstronghere2

[Discarded26]

I think they do regret, but then go back to painting us black/forgetting we even existed

We will never truly know and I think that's why it leaves us so confused and hurt etc

All we can do is think about OUR healing and US. They have their live, and we have ours

[ScotisGone74]

I'd have to echo what Iamstronghere2 had to say.  Accept what you cannot change, focus on what you can change. 

[JDoe]

My XH maintained his "why are YOU doing this to ME?" attitude for a long time after I left, with 20 years of abuse and dysfunction under my belt.  Then he spotted me with a male friend, several months later, and turned everything around in his mind to truly believe that "so this is why!"

Just a few days before Christmas (and I've been gone for 2+ years), he called me at 4 a.m. to play a song (typical of him to latch on to a song to describe his "feelings" that said he had "tried too hard" and "she f***ing hates me."  Whiskey tango foxtrot?  

Was he trying too hard when he took my keys and phone and shoes to prevent me from leaving after he had screamed obscenities at me for hours?  Or when he threw the phone at me when I collapsed on the floor with chest pain during another rage and said, "If it hurts so f***ing bad, call 9 1 1!"?

I don't waste my energy hating him.  I am sorry that he chose to throw away the best thing that ever happened to him.  But I chose to live happily ever after.  

[seeking balance]

Sooner or latter a spouse with BPD has to realize the great life they threw away - don't they?

No - they don't have to realize anything.

The more important point is that sooner or later you have to realize that it is up to you to move on with your life and stop wondering what she is thinking.

Cal - it is time for you to look within and let go of what she may or may not be doing/thinking.  A support group can help with your pain - and we all are sorry you are in so much pain.

It is up to you to break this habit of feeling like a victim and ruminating on what she is thinking... .  it take mental, physical and emotional discipline... .  when you want to wonder about what she is thinking -simply don't... .  discipline your mind - do something else... .  anything else.

To move forward, it will be helpful for you to post about you and your emotions - none of us here know what anyone else (your ex, my ex any ex) can think or feel in the future - and making the mistake that a pwBPD is going to feel the same way as you is a KEY false belief in article 9.  Print out the article - keep it with you - every time you wonder about her - go read it... .  then post about your own emotions here.

Peace,

SB

[apple]

Just a few days before Christmas (and I've been gone for 2+ years), he called me at 4 a.m. to play a song (typical of him to latch on to a song to describe his "feelings" that said he had "tried too hard" and "she f***ing hates me."  Whiskey tango foxtrot?  

Ahh the old playing of a song, I know this one as well. My exw played Jason Mraz " I won't give up" to me when she recycled me and said that the song described how she felt. Not too long after I was discarded again... .  

[waitaminute]

Self preservation, survival, denial... .  

My experience says they might unemotionally say "yeah... .  I made a mistake. But it's my life and I want to be free to live it the way I want." Also, I think a recurring theme I've read here is the BPD belief that it's gonna end anyhow. Like "love hurts"

[recoil]

Ahh the old playing of a song, I know this one as well. My exw played Jason Mraz " I won't give up" to me when she recycled me and said that the song described how she felt. Not too long after I was discarded again... .  

Same for me; even the same song.

I also got the lyrics for Baker Baker after one recycle.

She can't seem to see the pattern though.  At least I do, now.

[spaceace]

What I find interesting is, my wife has held strong to her past as a child growing up and will not let that go. All the abuse etc... yet with me, there is zilch from the past that is positive that she seems to recall. We are separated/getting divorced, and it is over - according to her, about a fight that happened 4 years ago. Nothing to do with the present? Always a past issue.

So why is it a BPD person seems to hold on to memories that happened to them that is the reasons why they are BPD, and cannot let go of them, yet they cannot see the good in the NON, that they willingly walk away from?

There has to be some defect that stores only bad memories and keeps any good memories locked up. It's infuriating to see this same issue occur in my relationship, and to read so many other folks experiencing the same thing.

BTW, today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It was 4 years ago we had the most beautiful, warm,loving - wedding day with all our friends in attendance,  and today we are so far apart... it's a sad story.

[mango_flower]

Ha, that Jason Mraz song! I remember us listening to that in my car (flashbulb memory) and making promises to each other... .  yeah right... .  

BTW, today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It was 4 years ago we had the most beautiful, warm,loving - wedding day with all our friends in attendance,  and today we are so far apart... it's a sad story.

Aw Spaceace, that made me very sad to hear.  I hope you're doing ok today xxx

[TheDude]

I always thought the most appropriate Mraz song was "Beautiful Mess". 

[SarahinMA]

My pwBPD doesnot discard any pictures,gifts or any other reminders of the past .She puts them in her storage after packing up and periodically takes a look at them. Now, 2 week NC and she is still keeping the facebook cover with the dress she is wearing (gift from me) and doesnot change it. She keeps wearing the dress she likes even if it gets old and worn out.

Man, mine was the complete opposite.  He erased all traces of me: untagged or deleted every picture of he and I together on FB almost immediately... .  then deleted his account.  He also changed his grocery store, gym, bought a new wardrobe, new car... .  basically changed anything that reminded him of me.  If I see him out now, he looks very uncomfortable that he has to acknowledge my presence and we've been broken up for over a year. 

[haliewa1]

Seeking Balance said it right!  When you consider what your ex is doing and thinking about all the good that happened between the two of you, you're really breaking down the strength you've developed by going NC!  Your life and the time it takes to live it will be greatly diminished if you spend most of it thinking about someone who was unable to be supportive because of a disorder.  It's like taking a test, knowing the answer but not being able to write the answer down on the answer sheet!  There just isn't going to be a "positive" outcome!

[apple]

We are separated/getting divorced, and it is over - according to her, about a fight that happened 4 years ago. Nothing to do with the present? Always a past issue.

So why is it a BPD person seems to hold on to memories that happened to them that is the reasons why they are BPD, and cannot let go of them, yet they cannot see the good in the NON, that they willingly walk away from?

There has to be some defect that stores only bad memories and keeps any good memories locked up. It's infuriating to see this same issue occur in my relationship, and to read so many other folks experiencing the same thing.

Sorry to hear about your anniversary 

I can really relate to the holding onto the past as I experienced the same thing with my exw. The reasons she gave were so ridiculous that her own family couldn't understand them.They made absolutely no sense and were from years prior yet in her mind they were reasons to harbor resentments against me and divorce.

My therapist told me "you can't make sense out of nonsense" and it's the absolute truth.

[clairedair]

BTW, today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It was 4 years ago we had the most beautiful, warm,loving - wedding day with all our friends in attendance,  and today we are so far apart... it's a sad story.

Sorry to hear this - it is sad.

take care

[clairedair]

There has to be some defect that stores only bad memories and keeps any good memories locked up. It's infuriating to see this same issue occur in my relationship, and to read so many other folks experiencing the same thing.

my ex could remember good things when we got back together - during the 'honeymoon' phase.  When he started to drift towards leaving, I would not only hear about the 'bad' things I'd done or said 15 years ago, the good memories would be twisted into something negative.  I found that really hard.  I got to a stage where I didn't believe his version - I knew my own truth - but it devastated me that he switched to viewing something loving and positive about us as something painful to him.

Does my head in.

[Zena321]

I don't think mine wanted to remember good times only bring about the bad even though it was the 3 bad things he kept remembering in the 5 years . I am sure now that he has been with someone else for over 4 years now his memory of me is gone even though he won't divorce me and still calls every few weeks ago to ask a question related to nothing that anyone else could answer like how do you do this with the computer? or what is the dr.s phone number? (we have had the same dr. for 12 years ) I feel like just saying to him you have a live in mistress to bow to and take care of your every whim now why are you calling me , you dumped me remember ?

[Surnia]

cal

I can relate with the wish your SO would see your values. I can so relate.

Be prepared that it perhaps will not happen bc there is her mental illness.

What you can do: You know your values. And perhaps you have people who knows it too. This is what counts!

[flatspin]

Self preservation, survival, denial... .  

My experience says they might unemotionally say "yeah... .  I made a mistake. But it's my life and I want to be free to live it the way I want." Also, I think a recurring theme I've read here is the BPD belief that it's gonna end anyhow. Like "love hurts"

I've had the same experience as you somehow. Even if the official reasons why my future ex-wife went through with a divorce petition was because I didn't do things fast enough and couldn't (didn't want to, according to her... .  ) give her all the money that she wanted me to give her, I've "felt" that one additional and implicit reason was that she wanted to live the way she wanted, not having anyone to whom she'd have to account for what she does in/of her life.

Her life is a mess, she doesn't take her meds for bipolar disorder or take them only when she feels like to and I've understood through her comments and reactions that she didn't want anyone by her side who would remind her (directly through words or indirectly just by a presence by her side) what she must do whereas she doesn't feel like doing it.

As for the topic of this thread, I think that they may have regrets sometimes but they always justify the present situation they're in by accusing others of all the evils that have befallen on them since always. It's never their fault... .  They'd kill someone, they'd say that it's not their fault because we made them do it... .  

[flatspin]

What I find interesting is, my wife has held strong to her past as a child growing up and will not let that go. All the abuse etc... yet with me, there is zilch from the past that is positive that she seems to recall. We are separated/getting divorced, and it is over - according to her, about a fight that happened 4 years ago. Nothing to do with the present? Always a past issue.

So why is it a BPD person seems to hold on to memories that happened to them that is the reasons why they are BPD, and cannot let go of them, yet they cannot see the good in the NON, that they willingly walk away from?

There has to be some defect that stores only bad memories and keeps any good memories locked up. It's infuriating to see this same issue occur in my relationship, and to read so many other folks experiencing the same thing.

BTW, today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It was 4 years ago we had the most beautiful, warm,loving - wedding day with all our friends in attendance,  and today we are so far apart... it's a sad story.

I'm in the same boat... .  Married since almost two years ago and I received a divorce petition one month before our first wedding anniversary... .  

As for memories, I think that it's the same as written above, somehow quite similar to the "spreading effect" of cognitive dissonance. Whenever we want to get rid of something/someone, we unconsciously only look for and find reproaches, flaws and downsides in it/him/her in order to legitimate our decision. I may be wrong but that looks the same as two drops.

Quote from www.cios.org/encyclopedia/persuasion/Dcognitive_dissonance_6_glossary.htm :

spreading effect: when dissonance arises after making a decision, one way to reduce dissonance is to increase the advantages of the chosen option and the disadvantages of the unchosen option, spreading them apart.