How do I keep going?

[crazyworld]

My 41 year old daughter has BPD.  The past 9 months we have been totally disconnected.  She left this area suddenly with our 3 grandsons for a new boyfriend and dumped us again.  That relationship lasted about 3 months - she was not able to pay her rent, but I have managed to stay disconnected and have totally stopped giving her money to bail her out of her financial issues (big step for me).  Standing by and watching her fail is very hard on me.  She now has 3 judgments on her relating to payday loans and two evictions with judgments.  In mid January she found a new boyfriend and immediately moved in with him. By early March, she wrote me an email announcing that she was in love again and was now engaged to this man, who has four children.  Now, she wants her family back because this man is connected to his family.  She wants no part of her past and  of the pain that she has caused.  Wants to start over - the big problem is that her Dad is fed up and doesn't want any part of her or the situations she gets herself into.  Her brother has disconnected from her - so she sends text messages to me.  Last night she went on a bit of a rampage on me about wanting her family back because she is in love and getting married and everything is now right in her world.  Again, I could not sleep last night.  This morning I am in a bad place.  It feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't!  There doesn't seem to be a "happy place" for me to be.  I still yearn for my daughter that used to be and the pain of feeling like I have abandoned her is crushing in on me.  I don't want to take medication to make it through my days - but I'm finding myself not being able to see a way to live my life in this place where I love my daughter but I must live without her.  Talking about this with my husband or my son gets us no where.  And... .  I find myself back in my own world of agony.  How do others live like this?  It is torture.  I feel like I have abandoned my daughter when she is ill, but I also know that she has not acknowledged that she is ill.  Help... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Dear crazyworld,

You have been through alot. I'm sorry to hear how you are suffering. You must be so worried about your grandsons too.

I want to share with you that medication really helped me get through a rough time. My dh and I were also very fortunate to find a therapist that understood BPD. She helped us through our grieving and losses. She helped us understand our value based boundaries and getting us further along to radical acceptance. So perhaps you could consider medication and/or finding a therapist to get you through the rough patches. Also, use us here to vent, for support, let us share the journey with you. We care about you!

Being Mindful

[twojaybirds]

Yes it is a crazyworld in which we live. We try to make 'sane' decisions from our "rational" minds however we are trying to place them on minds that operate differently.  It is hard to think like our kiddos and predict what will be next, again that is logic not something our kids ascribe to as we see it.

I saw a therapist for a year after my dd went n/c, I was on this board non-stop and I read Valerie Poore.  I also was blunt with my situation with those around me whom I could trust.

I found going to work was the best thing for me - even tired.

WHile I did not use meds, I do believe they have their time and place.  If you need to sleep more to think clearer, to regroup, then by all means explore the options available to you!

It is exhausting.  I hear it in your words...

[jellibeans]

well like the song says... .  you can't please everybody so you need to learn how to please yourself... .  what you dh wants would not concern me... .  you need to do what you think is right and find a way to make that work... .  you have ben doing this a long time and I am sure it wears on you... .  my dd is young but still like to start over... .  new school... .  new friends... .  all will be different but she often repeats her mistakes.

I am not sure what she wants from you exactly? I am not sure of your struggle... .  but I can see you are struggling with your relationship with her and you are probably right to be cautious ... .  what are your concerns? Are you afraid of her hurting you again?   

[Mandii]

You sound like you are in a world of pain   

I can tell you that I have been on medication to help through the really rough times, and it has helped me to stay centred and able to focus on the things I need to focus on, but if that is not something you feel comfortable with, fair enough.

The only thing I know without a doubt is that I am no help to my daughter, or my grandson if I am feeling completely lost and alone in this battle. The only advice I can give is the same that has been given to me and has worked well for my own sanity. Be good to yourself. Love yourself and look after you! No one benefits if you are not in a good place with yourself. We know with our children that some days will be really hard and we will have those frustrating and emotional times... .  but the only thing I can hold onto is that I am good with me, and have faith in my decisions and ability to deal with whatever comes my way.

I have also started doing something that is totally for me. No one can take it from me, and I made a commitment that no one else can dictate my ability to do that one thing.

And surround yourself with people who love you and support you. From what I have seen so far, the people here are just that Just sometimes getting things off your chest is the best therapy!