Does anyone have a child who is confused with gender identity?

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am not sure what to think about this one, but suspect it could be related to the BPD traits and/or her abandonment status with lack of biological identity.  Anyway, about a year ago DD, 12 at the time, texted me and told me she didn't want to talk about it, but she was bi-sexual.  I told her maybe she is and maybe she isn't because at her age it's sometimes hard to be sure, but either way, her dad and I loved her unconditionally and always would.  Then about 3 or 4 months ago she sent a text stating she was gay, after recently breaking up with her "boyfriend" of about 2 months.  Forward to the other day, she says she has known for years that she should be a boy.  She knows because she has always been a tomboy and now she wants compression shirts and hormone treatment (she will be 14 in July).  This occurred the day after breaking up with another "boyfriend".  Over the past year she claims to have been in a relationship with this or that girl, then this or that boy, then back again.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?  By the way, I told her that type of therapy cannot be started until she is grown up, about 18-21 then went on with some normal everyday conversation.  It's been on my mind though since then.

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

Hi BAMom3

I am interested in your post and to see what other parents respond here as it has been on my mind.

My SS10 is dx emerging bipolar, mood disorder-nos. He has many BPD traits.

He has made comments that he wishes he was a girl.

He continually picks the parts of girls in playing pretend.

He used to walk around the house carrying purses and still does at times.

He is now 5'0 and weighs about 140 lbs and looks like a football player yet he dances and sings around the basement to girl pop songs on youtube.

He only wants to hear girl pop songs, gets upset sometimes with listening to boys singing pop songs.

We've recently caught him seeking gay soft porn content whilst simultaneously journaling a bit about having a crush on a girl.

He also acts out innappropriately sexually, sometimes pretending he has breasts for example and playing with them.

He seems very confused and he is only 10 so there is not much he is able to act on or do.

As for your DD -- I do know that with my DD13 and 16 (who do not have psychiatric dxs)... .  that many of their friends have come out as bisexual since as early as 6th grade. They have been asked out by other girls- sometimes aggressively.

I am sure part of what your DD is going through is possibly "age appropriate" and part of the culture as she explores her sexuality. The requesting of these transgender items, for lack of a better word, may just be a passing phase. I guess one hopes it is a phase-- considering her dxs and how difficult it is to discern for a child with BPD what her needs are as they are often so tied to their emotions in the moment.

I look forward to hearing what others have to say as I said before, I am very curious about this myself.

[lbjnltx]

Exploring sexuality at this age is normal.

I suspect that since these "extremes" seem to be prompted by a breakup with a boyfriend that it is an emotionally intense response (all or nothing) to the breakup.

These are reactions to "immediate stimuli".


The BPD criteria does contain allowances for identity issues in general that may manifest as gender identity issues.

You can read more here:

BPD: What is it?  How Can I tell?

[Mandii]

Hi BioAdoptMom3 

My daughter didn't have any gender issues, but she did go through a period of talking about being bi-sexual and gay a few times between about 13 and 17. She has now settled on that a little, but it seems to be something that has come up when there has been a break up or something like that going on, so I can empathise with what you are talking about.

I did pretty much the same as you... .  I told her I loved her and would love her no matter whether she was gay, bi-sexual or heterosexual. I personally think in my daughters case, it might have been attention seeking... .  and also because I am the only constant she has had all her life, she may have been looking to see if that would make me "abandon" her.

She is now in a relationship with a male, and has been for some time. And has a son from a previous relationship.

I think mamachelle is right and it is probably a phase. I hope so too... .  BPD is hard enough to deal with.

 coming your way from me

[mamachelle]

Well I double checked with my DDs yesterday and it turns out it is really in the 8th grade class that most of the bisexual identifying has gone on to the point where my DD says its a lot of kids. Girls mostly. So my DD 13 is the same age, almost to the month, as your DD, BAMom3, so  maybe they are in the same school 


As for my SS 10 I think much of this confusion with gender came early, even before he was born.

His mom has BPD and is also bipolar, and she really really wanted and was convinced she was having a girl. She apparently was completely surprised and upset at her first ultrasound. She was jealous of SIL who was having a girl and in fact became pregnant in order to not let SIL have her spotlight with the first and only as it turns out, granddaughter on my H's side of the family. Her first S my SS now 15 was ' Imperfect' ( he did not talk until 3 or 4 and has now been dx as on the autism spectrum) she never bonded with him. So SS10 was her chance for a do over I guess.

As SS10 then 3-4 began showing preference for girl toys and acting as a girl and purses BPDmom actually encouraged it. When he was 6 or 7 she bought him girl dolls, make up and nail polish. She said he was most likely gay and would say things like this to others.

His T and all other sane parents said, hey, this is normal, lets just let him work on his own what he will do. Unfortunately biomom also tells him he is her favorite and has bonded with him in a way that I can only call enmeshment. She also identifies with him and says, he is just like her.

It's very sad to have watched this unfold.

I hope he does find a tribe of kids he can be safe and comfortable with as he grows older. Right now he just really seems very confused. I don't think it's as simple as bisexual or homosexual but crossing into possibly transgender which at least now seems much more accepted. Ah we'll cross that bridge when we get there... .  

I really have not been able to get his therapists to address this yet, but definitely as he comes of age, I will try to get him into the right therapy to help him along.

[griz]

My DD told us she was bisexual at age 15.  Her only relationship with another girl was on line at that time.  Prior to this she has a boyfriend for a full year and now is in a relationship with a boy for the past two and a half year.  When she first told us we did just as you did, told her we would love her no matter what. I did find for a while she talked about it alot and found every reason to bring it up in conversation almost to the point of me feeling like she was pushing it in my face constantly.  Sometimes I wondered if she was just trying to push my buttons.  As time went on it is not something she really talks about however she does identify with being bisexual.  The one thing that her T told me years ago is that the best answer to anything you are uncomfortable with is to answer with, "let me think about that and get back to you".  This was the best advice ever.  To date we have wanted to pierce our tongue, snake bites, tatoos, dye her hair pink, shave half her head and more.  I have given that answer every time  and none of those things have ever come to happen.

I think alot of our kids are desperately trying to find someplace where they fit in. 

Griz

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you all so much for shedding some light on this and making me feel tons better!  It is so nice to not feel so alone in this journey!

[BioAdoptMom3]

And by the way, DD has a new boyfriend as of today!  I got to see pics of him on her phone 

[Used-Up Mom]

This is a sensitive issue.  My bipolar cluster B pd diagnosed son disclosed in increments, also.  First, bi then became adamant, at age 22, that he is a girl.  He was having other psychotic symptoms at the time, however, he was very forceful that he wanted to begin hormone treatments immediately.  I refused to help with this based on not wanting to encourage physical damage that could not be reversed.  He said that he didn't like the feelings he had since teens.  I believe these feelings were related to the mood disorder rather than gender, and the pd is most likely the cause of the identity issues since there are numerous issues in each facet of his life.  By six weeks later, when he was on another forceful campaign, he was furious for me to remind him of the force he employed with that gender claim.  Good luck, in my opinion it is a good idea to validate what the expressions are and at the same time not take immediate actions with the belief that the "magic problem" has been identified.  This pd is known for the quest for immediate and drastic solutions to problems that may or may not be permanent.

[mamachelle]

I was going to start a new thread, but this one is already dealing with this issue.

We went to see the pDoc yesterday (follow up to adding in abilify 3 weeks ago-- with lamictal to deal with his emerging psychosis) and the doc raised the spectre of potential Disassociative Identity Disorder (DID) in regards to SS10's --  female alter ego that shows up in his journaling and his pretend play. he was not talking immediately but basically warned us that part of his rage could be coming from this internal struggle with feeling like a girl. My jaw nearly hit the floor when he suggested we have the pediatrician check his testicles to see if they are retracting and he said that could have to do with a low testosterone level.

So, DID now on the horizon ... .   potential. I feel nauseous and very sad. His psychologist will not even address this issue. I have tried to deal with the Gender Identity issue for years.

Considering he has been acting this way since 3-- I am so tired of therapists saying unless we want to deal with it as sexual abuse, you don't deal with this until 13.

Pdoc is European, spent 15 years as a pediatrician, and he says the US is so backward and so scared in dealing with these issues because of over sensitization and fear that people will accuse of being homophobic, pedophillic , or what have you.

sigh, I'm just kind of still in shock over all this... .  

Has anybody dealt with this stuff  with a kid so young?

[sunshineplease]

Hey, BioAdopt, my daughter, now 18, also came out to us as bi last year. She'd been attracted to girls since about 14, I think, and struggling with it (4 years after puberty and about the same time her BPD traits emerged). We reacted more or less the way you did. (Our issue was not with her loving a girl, but with the particular girl she chose to love. The girlfriend's got as many mental health issues as our daughter does!) We've discussed it on the board before -- there does seem to be a higher-than-usual percentage of gender or sexuality confusion among BPDs -- anecdotally, at least. Some professionals are reporting this as well, though I think it's a bit dicey given that the psychiatric community has a long and mostly unfortunate history suggesting homosexuality is an aberration; linking gender-identity and sexual-orientation issues with mental illness can be a slippery slope. A friend of mine has a psychologist who uses the word "profile" as a box into which he puts his patients' challenges, leanings, talents, and tendencies, without judgment. He'll say, "Creativity is part of Jason's 'profile,' Mrs. J.," or "Verbal dexterity is part of the profile." He includes homosexuality in Jason's box, matter-of-factly.

Anyway, in case you hadn't seen these recent articles on gender identity treatment, I'm copying some links below (you can probably find the second one at your library, in hard copy or online; I think you have to pay to get the whole thing otherwise). Reassignment -- like mental illness -- is an area where there seems to be no true consensus... .   probably because every "case" is different.

www.nytimes.com/2012/08/12/magazine/whats-so-bad-about-a-boy-who-wants-to-wear-a-dress.html?pagewanted=all

www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/03/18/130318fa_fact_talbot

Hugs from CT,

SP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

sunshineplease,

Thank you so much for the links.

I guess I will add "pink boy" to SS10's ever more complex "profile"

Still a long ways to go on helping kids so young. I am happy to see some parents so proactive and progressive... .   even if it involves moving to another school. I could never see us being able to do that!

Sadly, my SS could never emotionally or cognitively embrace his pink side enough to wear a dress in school or carry a purse or identify as a girl at this point. He is a mess emotionally and possibly in some kind of emerging psychotic state... .   all the while behaving so much like his BPD mother that it is truly distressing. It's like he is developing the more feminine BPD traits and behaviors that many describe their daughters here doing, yet he is a boy. I need to find a therapist... .   soon... .   who can help him.

[sunshineplease]

Therapy sounds like such a great idea. Jason's mom got him therapy very early -- I think around your son's age -- and it made a huge difference. He was able to finish high school and get accepted to college. He ended up dropping out to start working (in the design world). He's now 21 and makes more than his mom or dad do! And he's very happy. :-)

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hello - sorry for just responding now - this caught my eye.

My BPDD 33 now - has ALWAYS had gender identity "issues". She is now identifying as

gay/lesbian in a relationship with her partner of 3 years.

Yes - in the past she has also told me she should have been boy - doesn't want

breasts, doesn't want periods  - we knew from very early on that she was gay because

of her behaviors etc.

One NOTE of caution - Please be sure she does not get access to Steroids like

Testosterone and other hormones that are sold on Black Market - these drugs

are very dangerous and cause Violent outbursts and sometimes even death.

Please look out for this - a lot of teens are buying these now.

Also - is she in Therapy? If not, please get her into therapy as well as

yourself - this is not something any of us can deal with on our own -

and therapy is a lifesaver for them and us. Shop around and find

the right therapist that she can trust - it means all the difference

in the world.

[charred]

My D12 thought she might be gay, because she thought guys were repulsive and her best friend was attractive (her best friend was gorgeous by the way... .  could be a model)... . so my exwife and I tell her we love her either way... . and its normal to feel funny when your hormones are first kicking in.  So about 6 months later, she has a new best friend, and she is going crazy over a guy in her school.  Pretty normal... .  Dr. Drew talked about chemical changes... . said from 12-22... . learned behaviors and personality can change due to hormones, and that the caution, nice respectful little 9 yr old, turns in to a peer driven unthinking near sociopath... . and as bad as that sounds... . we all did it and its normal.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I do feel a lot better after reading your comments!  DD is now straight again, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?