Have you seen any pattern how they make the case for painting you black?
Does this mean they have some control on what they are doing?
The push/pull cycle and splitting behavior is pretty well described here. I don't think it is predictable like clockwork though. I think it builds up over time too. They try to control their emotions and hide it from their partners because they feel shame. They don't feel comfortable letting you know how they feel and when they do let it out they often get invalidating responses. Their concerns and feelings might not be based in reality but letting them know you think they are crazy just causes them to try and keep it bottled up even more. They learn that expressing their emotions leads to arguments and ended relationships. It isn't healthy for anybody to keep their real emotions bottled up. As it builds up it is going to find a release point. That is why SET and JADE techniques can help defuse things at times. You are finding a way to let them know it is OK to express their real emotions without making them feel damaged. In a way they have undeveloped relationship skills. You can't reason that away or argue effectively to change it. It is hard to let go of the fact that the idealization stage is a part of the unhealthy relationship that has developed. It gives the non unrealistic expectations of what the relationship truly is and will be going forward.
Arguing and rationalizing isn't going to work. Her defenses are up and you can't win that game. You have to look at who she really is and how she communicates to you. Unless she is in therapy her skills aren't going to get better. So if you want to try and improve things you have to find a better way to communicate to her that is OK to let her emotions out. There is suggested reading and the staying board material to help with this.
This might not be best for you though. Maybe being in a difficult relationship isn't right for you. I know it wasn't for me. It triggered my own defenses and highlighted my own emotional shortcomings. The end of my relationship was hard but it gave me time to focus on these things to try and become a healthier man. It worked out better for me this way.
Just some things to think about... . Look to the right of this page. Have you given thought to the 5 steps in choosing a path? How about number 4 in particular?
Hope this helps,
OTH
