1st post here instead of "Improving... " Need reassurance. What can I expect?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Things had been going okay--mostly bc I had adjusted to uBPDbf's quirks. (I know, I know.) We've been together for 2.5 years. We have a real connection and there is real love, but the relationship was dictated by him--his moods, his needs, his everything. He is very tortured and it's sad to see.

On my birthday, we had a disagreement. He had once again cancelled plans we made without any regard for my feelings, schedule, etc. I could tell he was feeling trapped and was starting to dysregulate--there's lots of other serious stuff going on his life, now, too. What could have been resolved in a 10-min phone call, within less than an hour resulted in him cancelling 2 of our upcoming vacations and in him breaking up with me! (Happy birthday to me). I was blind-sided even though I saw subtle signs. I tried to NC but took the bait and got into a text volley with him . And I basically said I was tired of the drama and of him acting like a teenager. I know it was wrong, but seriously, I just cannot manage to be the perfect adult 100% of the time. It is drama and he is acting like a teenager.

So it's been 3 days--longest we've ever gone without communicating. I have not contacted him. He cut me off Facebook, Twitter, etc. (He is 56! He knows this was impt to me so he's punishing me but I am so used to it that I'm not even phased) In some ways, though I am saddened by this, in other ways I wonder if it is a gift bc I am so tired of the trauma-drama. I could have worked with him if he had worked on himself. But he's undiagnosed. Refuses to go to therapy (and he had a horrendously abusive childhood and his mom committed suicide, too).

He often talks about trust. But I am not ever allowed to express my anger, sadness, fear or anything other than happiness. He talks about us living together one day but I know if a trip can't even happen, that it would never happen. And would I really want to live with THIS?

Why am I posting here and not the "after" board? His pattern is that he will communicate with me again--maybe when he's back on the reservation. Or maybe sooner--with a needling comment when he's dysregulated.

I love him very much and care very deeply about him. He's also having health issues which worry me. But I am just so bloody exhausted and spent by trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I am human.

What should I expect?

[honeybadger]

Things had been going okay--mostly bc I had adjusted to uBPDbf's quirks. (I know, I know.) We've been together for 2.5 years. We have a real connection and there is real love, but the relationship was dictated by him--his moods, his needs, his everything. He is very tortured and it's sad to see.

On my birthday, we had a disagreement. He had once again cancelled plans we made without any regard for my feelings, schedule, etc. I could tell he was feeling trapped and was starting to dysregulate--there's lots of other serious stuff going on his life, now, too. What could have been resolved in a 10-min phone call, within less than an hour resulted in him cancelling 2 of our upcoming vacations and in him breaking up with me! (Happy birthday to me). I was blind-sided even though I saw subtle signs. I tried to NC but took the bait and got into a text volley with him . And I basically said I was tired of the drama and of him acting like a teenager. I know it was wrong, but seriously, I just cannot manage to be the perfect adult 100% of the time. It is drama and he is acting like a teenager.

So it's been 3 days--longest we've ever gone without communicating. I have not contacted him. He cut me off Facebook, Twitter, etc. (He is 56! He knows this was impt to me so he's punishing me but I am so used to it that I'm not even phased) In some ways, though I am saddened by this, in other ways I wonder if it is a gift bc I am so tired of the trauma-drama. I could have worked with him if he had worked on himself. But he's undiagnosed. Refuses to go to therapy (and he had a horrendously abusive childhood and his mom committed suicide, too).

He often talks about trust. But I am not ever allowed to express my anger, sadness, fear or anything other than happiness. He talks about us living together one day but I know if a trip can't even happen, that it would never happen. And would I really want to live with THIS?

Why am I posting here and not the "after" board? His pattern is that he will communicate with me again--maybe when he's back on the reservation. Or maybe sooner--with a needling comment when he's dysregulated.

I love him very much and care very deeply about him. He's also having health issues which worry me. But I am just so bloody exhausted and spent by trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I am human.

What should I expect?

[Surnia]

Honeybadger

You went through rough times.  

I feel with you, I can relate with the feeling of being tired with the drama, cancelled vacations, no contact!

You said it yourself, you cannot heal him. You write, being cutted right now can be also a gift.  

What about spending some time to explore if you like to continue like this or not?

A good start could be reading through "Choosing a path" on the right.

[honeybadger]

Thanks. I am feeling a bit guilty that I didn't react with as much grace as I would have liked/usually do. It's just that walking on eggshells constantly and being mindful of how to phrase things all the time gets to you every once in awhile. Makes you snap.

I am using this time to get centered and see how I like it. I'm trying to face the realities of this relationship. Hard! And I did go through the lessons. Thanks again!

[Surnia]

I hear you about feeling guilty. 

Dont beat yourself about your reaction. We are humans and sometimes we are getting angry. You know that this is not the best, and that is enough for this time.

I'm trying to face the realities of this relationship.

and yes, I know its hard.