Anxiety

[Cumulus]

I rarely felt anxious in my life until I left xBPDh. Now, for the past two years I live with this invasive underlying feeling of anxiety that rarely leaves me. There are two things I'm trying to understand, the first is what caused this anxiety to appear, I am over fifty years old, why suddenly has this become a part of my life. Secondly, for what reasons am I anxious. I'm having a hard time trying to understand. I was wondering if anyone else has worked through the anxiety and has an understanding of what triggered it and if they were able to identify what they were anxious about. It feels so insidious, like tentacles wrapped around you and slowly squeezing.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Cumulus,

Many of us come out of our relationships with BPDs being a lot more anxious than before we met them. Living with our BPD partners can cause us to become more "on the alert"--"walking on eggshells", and can also be very hard on our egos and sense of selves. And, sometimes, part of the reason we got into the relationship with our BPD was because they filled a need for us. Were you anxious before you met your BPDex, or did you get more anxious as your relationship with your BPD progressed?

AnotherPheonix 

[Mountaineagle]

Hi Cumulus! I am experiencing two types of anxiety. Suffering from post traumatic stress and another slower version of anxiety , and I think I have had that for some time, maybe most of my life. Now it is there just like tentacles like you said. I am now in deep introspective period. I think I have identified my anxiety to change. Realizing now that I have not lived to my fullest potential, due to my inner issues. Those issues were exposed by my relationship with exBPDgf. Now I feel I have to change in order to live more authentic and true to my nature. The obstacle is that I do not know myself. I lost the version of me I believed to be true in that relationship. A bigger picture is unfolding and to be frank, it is quite scary. Feel like a scared chicken trying to break the eggshell to come out. 

[Cumulus]

Thank you for your thoughts, AP, that is what seems so strange to me, I don't recall ever having to deal with much anxiety except for the short acting easily identifiable stuff like studying for an exam or knowing I would have to get my xBPDh through an important social event. ( For sure on the alert at those times!), but when the precipitating event was over, anxiety over. Not like this constant low level thing that has moved into me. I would think that now I am past all the discovery, all the detachment, all the stuff that could cause anxiety living with a pwBPD I'd be less anxious.

Hi mountain eagle, love that name. For me, similar to what you expressed. In a deep introspective period, feeling like I need to change to live truer to myself, trying to find out just who that is. Maybe that has a role in creating the anxiety, will give that some thought today.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Cumulus, ooh anxiety is tough. I've lived with it for a long time and when I started finding healthy ways to handle it, I couldn't believe how well I felt! Mine reached a high after I started realizing I needed healing. Up til that point I had lodged mine inside and been a workaholic. Not sure if any of that resonates with you, but I think when we reach a point of healing, we finally allow ourselves to feel the anxiety. As for your second question, maybe something is triggering the anxiety, maybe you're hypervigilant, or maybe the anxiety is from the past? Just some thoughts. Are you seeing a therapist? If so, he or she might be able to help you find the source and help lessen it.

Deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are all really great tools to lessen anxiety. Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, and doing calming activities help too. How are you doing on taking care of yourself? Sending you lots of caring and support.

[Cumulus]

You know the workaholic hits right on the mark. Wow, that really connects. I was Superwoman. Raised my kids, worked full time, went to school, kept up the house, ran a lot. I didn't have time to feel anything. Thank you for that insight. I am doing all the healthy living stuff, eating right, running, having hobbies, trying to plan something fun in the future. It's all just done with little joy because of the anxiety. Wish I could feel comfortable talking to a T. I am way way rural. There are only 4 or 5 therapists within a reasonable drive, and way too personal, everyone knows everyone. I can't say for sure but I would be surprised if any one of them had heard of BPD.

[jaird]

Cumulus,

I am your age and working through anxiety now, which I certainly did not have before the break up. In my case, I think it was caused by the abrupt break up via text and phone just a day or two after I had been visiting my ex for several days. There was no real closure. Then, because she was self diagnosed with BPD, and had bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and had asked me if I was in this for the long haul-I hung on much too long trying to get back together with her and trying to find out if this was really what she wanted. I did try for a good ten weeks or so, much, much too long.

Besides that, I think there is always a fear, in my mind at least, that she may do something to hurt me or embarrass me out of the blue. It could come months later, or even years later, but that fear is there.

Meditation, seeing a therapist, not much else you can do that I know of. Doctor did give me a Rx for Xanax, though I haven't taken any yet. He also recommended Paxil for depression, but said it takes a few weeks to work. I turned down that Rx because I did not want to become dependent on anything.

[Mountaineagle]

I am doing all the healthy living stuff, eating right, running, having hobbies, trying to plan something fun in the future. It's all just done with little joy because of the anxiety.

 

Cumulus, I just remembered a book that helped me feel better when doing something 

www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/0553380397/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363736822&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+shoot+the+dog

Last year when I was seriously depressed I picked up a book about dog training to train my family's dog. I ended up using the technique on myself. It was awkward at first, but after a while it became fun and natural. It helped against my depression then and now I am using it again to get out of my second depression. It is about rewarding immediately after doing something good. So everytime I manage to do something, anything I reward myself with "self-chearing". I had a hard time in the beginning to "Self-chear", but I have become better at it. It introduses some fun back into what I am doing, and some of the benefits I have reaped from it is loosing 18 pounds from continous exercise for 10 months now. It would not have been possible without some dog training techniques 

[Cumulus]

Hi Jaird, nice to know I'm not the only oldie around I wouldn't have imagined myself working on such issues at my age, twenty years ago. Would have thought I'd have had it made by now! Life is full of surprises.

Mountain eagle, that just cracked me up. I will check it out and hopefully be howling by the next full moon.

[jaird]

Hi Jaird, nice to know I'm not the only oldie around I wouldn't have imagined myself working on such issues at my age, twenty years ago. Would have thought I'd have had it made by now! Life is full of surprises.

Mountain eagle, that just cracked me up. I will check it out and hopefully be howling by the next full moon.

Yes, I would certainly not imagine myself dealing with this and becoming damaged by it at my age. I was the most calm, stable guy before. Now my blood pressure and blood sugar are elevated.

You know what I think part of my problem is-I always thought of almost all women as "nice". I had very good female role models in my life. My spouse, my mother, and my sister are all good people. Very good, sane people. I have met very few women who were mean and vindictive. Until now.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yeah Jaird, it really screws with your sense of reality, doesn't it?

[jaird]

Yeah Jaird, it really screws with your sense of reality, doesn't it?

Not so much my sense of reality. I know what reality is and I always have, though my ex drifts in and out of reality and I can hear it in her voice. Sometimes it's a dreamlike state.

It screwed with my sense of self. I believed I firmly knew who I was before this relationship-practical, level headed, devoted to family, down to earth, sensible, all that stuff. I am getting back to that now, and rediscovering my old self, but I am certainly changed. And for two months, I was all out of sorts over a mentally ill woman who was abusive to me after the idolization stage ended. I don't know what I was thinking in believing that it could actually work. I believed that if I was just close to her, and loved her, she would be all better. But I doubt that's true. I think there would always be some small issue that she thought I should have "known" about (mind reading), or some imaginary issue that is real to her (feelings as facts). In truth, there would probably always be some triggers. And she knows this. She knows she cannot do a real relationship. She has sworn them off other than her current friend with benefits relationship where she does not ask him for anything and does not ask him questions. She seems to have established firm boundaries there-he provides dinner, drinks, sex, and some socialization. She keeps her mouth shut and accepts it all. I am amazed now at the boundaries, because with me there were no boundaries, she wanted to know everything about me and my past, where I was every minute of every day, and who I saw, who I talked to, etc etc. I suppose she learned from her mistakes, but I doubt she can sustain her current level of not knowing and not asking.

[Rose Tiger]

I am doing all the healthy living stuff, eating right, running, having hobbies, trying to plan something fun in the future. It's all just done with little joy because of the anxiety.

 

Cumulus, I just remembered a book that helped me feel better when doing something 

www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/0553380397/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363736822&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+shoot+the+dog

Last year when I was seriously depressed I picked up a book about dog training to train my family's dog. I ended up using the technique on myself. It was awkward at first, but after a while it became fun and natural. It helped against my depression then and now I am using it again to get out of my second depression. It is about rewarding immediately after doing something good. So everytime I manage to do something, anything I reward myself with "self-chearing". I had a hard time in the beginning to "Self-chear", but I have become better at it. It introduses some fun back into what I am doing, and some of the benefits I have reaped from it is loosing 18 pounds from continous exercise for 10 months now. It would not have been possible without some dog training techniques 

I am SO getting this book!

[bb12]

Hey Cumulus

As a sufferer of chronic anxiety for a long time, I am sorry to hear about you also being affected by it

In my late 20's I had my first panic attack. I lived the nightmare, as my attack occurred when I was on stage delivering a speech with a lapel microphone. Seriously!

I thought I was having a heart attack and for 2 years afterward I was convinced I had a brain tumour or something.

I was later diagnosed with GAD... .  generalised anxierty disorder. Which basically means I was scared of everything!

Anxiety and Depression are brothers. Completely related.

Could your depression about the break-up with xBPD had led to the anxiety?

And depression is anger turned inwards. It's basically us beating the hell out of ourselves.

So my recommendation is that you monitor your internal dialogue and flip any negative self belief with 3 examples to the contrary. This worked for me.

And affirmations, exercise, meditation, mindfulness... .  all very useful once you get the gnack.

Two books that helped me: Gas Smells Awful by Helen Razer and Living with IT by Bev Aisbett

I am largely cured now, but lived a good 15 years of my life in crippling fear

I also believe that GAD and a susceptability to the advances of pwBPD are absolutely linked. Just not sure how... .  something to do with self-esteem

good luck

bb12

[Cumulus]

Oh bb, I can't imagine how hard it would be to experience this feeling at its most acute with a microphone on. I am often astounded by the strength of people who post here. Yes, the anxiety was precipitated after the separation from my XH, not immediately, well I shouldn't say that because there was some immediate anxiety at first but it was the kind that you could understand. The how do I run the lawn mower, where does this bill get paid, the kind of stuff where you can take hold of yourself, say this is what you're going to do and figure it out. It's this other anxiety that I think appeared around the six month to one year mark that is weighing me down, it's hard to fight because I don't know why it's there. These posts are giving me some reasons to consider and some good ideas for books. Thank goodness I'm a reader, my list is growing.

My relationship with the xBPDh was one of the less usual ones but your story is pretty unusual too. I say that my story was less common because of:

The length of the marriage

I separated from him

Despite multiple recycling attempts (the last, 21 months after separation and 7 months after divorce), there was no desire on my part to return to the relationship

He wanted me to believe that he thought I was the most wonderful wife in the world, to the point where I would tell him he was smothering me. I would often hear phrases like, you deserve so much better then me, I'm going to try harder to treat you the way you deserve... . 

What happened was he was living two lives. I saw the troubled but kind hearted, devoted man who just needed to be understood and forgiven to be able to become a more loving person. I didn't see the other life and it was one filled with offensive behaviours, lies and cheating.

There was certainly a loss of the total adoration that was bestowed on me, but it's more of a relief that it is gone. It made me uncomfortable. And a big yes to the moral and sweet, he had such high morals for everyone else to live up to, and I thought he was leading by example.   His actions were often sweet, taking groceries to a single mother, taking an elderly neighbour to the store. After, it left me wondering why? I don't think he did very much without a reason. The PTSD does hit home. Of everything I have read that seems to come the closest. And after thinking more about SOs post, I do think I had more anxiety in the past then I was aware of, just kept way too busy, and kept it covered up.

[Mountaineagle]

This thread has given me so much!

Could your depression about the break-up with xBPD had led to the anxiety?

And depression is anger turned inwards. It's basically us beating the hell out of ourselves.

So my recommendation is that you monitor your internal dialogue and flip any negative self belief with 3 examples to the contrary. This worked for me.

And affirmations, exercise, meditation, mindfulness... .  all very useful once you get the gnack.

And with the generous sharing from all posters put me in a state of mind that made me competely open to the message in the first video from the site linked to in this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196176.0

I just figured I would try the technique the women in the video mentioned at the very end, and suddenly I was crying, holding my self and comforting my self with words, like a good parent would. It was so powerful and potent and thanks to the context of this thread it helped me truly understand something fundamently about my self. I owe it to all of you in this thread. Because every post put me in a spot where I could access this so I am eternaly greatful for it. Thank you! Lots of love and be very nice to yourself!

[Cumulus]

Hi mountain eagle, what videos did you watch. I think you are referring to the first one, are you?  I found the second one really resonated with me as well. Listened to the fifth one today, it was so so. I had a hard time buying into the technique he was discussing. Will get to number six this weekend.

[Mountaineagle]

Yes! I have just watched the first one. I don't yet feel a need for watching others. I want to savor the effect it had on me Will watch more in the future.

[DesertChild]

I am doing all the healthy living stuff, eating right, running, having hobbies, trying to plan something fun in the future. It's all just done with little joy because of the anxiety.

 

Cumulus, I just remembered a book that helped me feel better when doing something 

www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/0553380397/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363736822&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+shoot+the+dog

Last year when I was seriously depressed I picked up a book about dog training to train my family's dog. I ended up using the technique on myself. It was awkward at first, but after a while it became fun and natural. It helped against my depression then and now I am using it again to get out of my second depression. It is about rewarding immediately after doing something good. So everytime I manage to do something, anything I reward myself with "self-chearing". I had a hard time in the beginning to "Self-chear", but I have become better at it. It introduses some fun back into what I am doing, and some of the benefits I have reaped from it is loosing 18 pounds from continous exercise for 10 months now. It would not have been possible without some dog training techniques 

I'd learned dog training. So when my therapist told me (when I was in contact) what to do with my mom, I was like "That's like training a dog. You mean treat her like a dog?"

She said yes.

So I tried it. But I couldn't find a gap to reward a behavior because she started to act worse around me.

I've tried it with mixed success on myself, though.